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skinny bitch breaks my heart

so just a week ago i was ranting about "a skinny bitch" without really thinking about what's happening here.   i'll explain.   tonight i went out for dinner with "that" girl...otherwise known as my best friend (one of two). She's thin..like size 4 thin...but growing up (when i was a size 8) she admitted to being jealous of me. why? no idea.   so we sit down at Houlihan's and things are just weird. i mean she's being "nice" but she's distant. then i'm being weird because she's being weird so the entire situation was just WEIRD.   i ordered grilled shrimp and california mashers...tried my best to talk like normal (we used to be the girls who laughed so hard people would stare)..now we were in and out of the restaurant in 35 minutes. 35 LONG minutes. I don't understand.   I mean..i can be tough..and most days i am..i am my own champion because i've learned that no one else will be. but that hurts..i mean we're friends for 13 years! I thought this was going to come as i got thin...i'm no where near that point...   when you prepare for the band they don't talk about how others who were supposed to be friends may turn their backs on you. they don't explain why girls are so friggin jealous and how to cope with the loss. i can see this is the beginning of the end...but i suppose if that's in fact true..it was never a friendship to begin with.
Bozzj

Bozzj

5
 

my secret to this "diet"

So i've been banded for 3 months and i've lost 41.6lbs. I keep losing each week and i've decided to look back in my journal and see what's "making this work."   The day i opted to get the band (i'm self pay...even though my insurance would have covered it) i decided i needed to do something. I'm 29, 5'5 and 250lbs (was 292 the day i got banded). I have people all the time ask me what the "secret" is...and i just say that i'm ready. To someone who is in my shoes...you all know what that means...skinny people just nod and stare.   So what am i doing? I guess i'm on the non-diet diet. I've realized that i allow myself to eat a lot of things--like crab cakes, tuna salad with real mayo, potato salad at a bbq, etc. Normally, pre-band, i'd eat a mountain of these things and feel guilty the next day (then eat because i would feel like a failure). You probably know how that feels.   So how can you lose while eating (basically) what you want? I'm sure all of you are shouting in your heads SMALL PORTIONS. I guess my "secret" is that i make my meal about protein (so i've never had pasta, bread or rice--that includes pizza and such) but i haven't cared so much if it has fat. To date--it's working--and i realize i may need to change that as i get closer to goal.   I listen to my body (which is harder than one would think--again--skinny people don't get that)--i try to make decent choices, but i allow myself to enjoy the things i crave as long as they avoid the listed items above (oh and no desserts).   For me--it's a good balance between what i crave and the things i have to give up. I can eat enough of the "cheating" things to make me feel like a bowl of pasta is no biggie.   For someone else that balance may be different, but i think it's important to find what works and really believe in it. I've noticed that for the first time i stand a little taller and dream a little bigger. I have a very long road ahead of me, but i'm excited to go down that path.
Bozzj

Bozzj

6
 

omg it's me that's getting fat, not her

let me preface this blog by saying that up until 4 months ago i was ms. lapband usa. i swear, i was. i worked out 4-5x a week--like REALLY worked out, i ate right and i judged others when they fell off the lapband wagon. I mean i didn't really know it then...it wasn't conscience, but thinking back i think i thought i would NEVER do it again--you know, eat like whoa and pretend the weight was going on my abnormally thin friend instead of my a$$.   August 31st...4 months of denial...17lbs higher than my lowest weight of 205. Now granted i was only that weight for like 3 days, but still.   So here i am armed with excuses: just found out in the last few months my grandma is termally ill, work is really bad at the moment, and was stressed with thinking my husband and i couldn't have a baby because he's on a certain medication.   See the thing is...most people would say "omg that's totally understandable..." etc etc etc until i gained back all the weight i lost.   So here i am, looking at what i've done and realizing that i am not ms. perfect lapband. and honestly, that's ok. it's got to be ok. otherwise i'll eat some chocolate crying about my failure.   Today, i'm being accountable...and i'm also realizing that i'm human. I will not be perfect in this journey, but i will be honest with myself and accountable. 17lbs up. let's see how many i can get back down.   this is day one of my 'omg it's me that's getting fat, not her' diet launch. wish me luck.
Bozzj

Bozzj

2
 

skinny bitches i call friends

so here i am, 3 weeks in- 19.7lbs down..feeling good, proud of myself, ready to DO this...   my two very best friends are skinny bitches. well let me rephrase, one can be a bitch lol and the other is so supportive i feel like i can talk like a big girl in front of her (you know what i mean..waking up in the am planning my dinner..thinking about snacks right after i ate...the stuff i've hide my entire life).   i'm going out to eat tonight for the very first time. i'm going somewhere healthy, bonefish grill, and plan to get grilled fish. i was talking to my girlfriends and mentioned that i might bring a small weight watcher scale with me just in case if they cannot tell me how much my fish weights (because i can EAT if i don't weight it--no fills yet).   the one laughed a little and said- whatever it takes my love to help you. perfect answer.   the other laughs, but in the bitch way, and acts as if i'd be making a scene. she says "you cannnn't bring a scale..common..this is a restaurant." ok thank you, like i didn't know. i just simply said "if it's a problem don't come." :thumbdown: NEVER stood up for my "cause" like that before.   Why is it that some people act like they are supportive...but when it comes right down to it- no one gets "it" like another who is in your shoes.   I suppose it's easier to be friends with "THE BIG GIRL" well too bad skinny bitch...i'm going to be coming to your category one day.
Bozzj

Bozzj

6
 

Death by fat thighs

Memorial day weekend...beautiful weather and i was feeling pretty good. I decided to take my FIRST walk outside in years. Normally i walk to the car and call it a day.   I was blasting Pussycat Dolls in my ipod and everything was going ok--i was hurting, but it was tolerable--until "the hill" and not just any hill but a freak hill that almost killed me. There was tons of skinny girls walking around so i couldn't roll down it crying..i had to act like it was no sweat.   I never realized HOW fat i really am..i mean i just broke 270...and when i looked in the mirror i didn't see a skinny girl, but this weekend i really felt like i might not make it up the hill.   When i got home my skinny husband was sitting on the couch and i just bursted out in tears. Very difficult day, but i'm glad i went out there and gave it a shot. Next time..i hope i cry less until one day it gets easy.
Bozzj

Bozzj

1
 

Well here we go...

I'm about to end clears and start mushies. So excited to get some food in and yet i'm worried at the same time that i won't make good choices. Time to take control and do this.   I've decided..and will try to remind myself when times are tough (like now--hunger) that i will not be fat anymore. I'm 28 and i can barely clean my freakin house. I worry about which restaurants I go to (if i can fit in the seats), i'm afraid to fly...i'm literally watching my life pass me by. I'm sick of it. I just hope I have the courage to DO this. Really do it..the right way.
Bozzj

Bozzj

1
 

yell if ya wanta...i know it's dumb

it's weird. i've read posts n blogs that say they weigh themselves everyday and i always thought "relax"!!   well here i am weighing myself. first, my scale sucks and i have to get on a million times to ensure i got the right weight (that's another topic), but also i'm sorta pissed each day because it's been around the same weight (which is a 1lb down from last week...my official weigh day is friday). ok i know, i know..that's good..blah. but i'm freaking barely eating!!   today was a rough day for me...i had cottage cheese which sucked (but i'm trying new things) and then for lunch i had soup (that was good but i was starving and got a bad headache). i keep THINKING about food. not high fat food..not like "omg i want to cheat" but i just want to EAT. i miss snacks. even if it's a good snack..i'm not allowed to have one until next friday. I think this is been just a blue day lol.   i'm not getting enough water..i'm trying to keep up with that. i just miss eat more than a 1/2 cup. is it like that forever? like that's it?? all i know is i'm on a 1/2 cup (4oz) for 6 weeks. i'm assuming that's how it'll stay...UGH.   ok i sound like a cry baby...and i am going to kick myself in the ass and have a better attitude..just needed to get it out. :crying:
Bozzj

Bozzj

2
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