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Trying to get back on the horse...

Well, It's been many months since I have posted anything on this blog. I had an appointment on February 8th, 2008 to meet with the surgeon but I had to cancel the appointment. On Feb, 6 '08, my fiance, my very best friend, love of my life and soulmate passed away very unexpectedly. On top of having just lost my job and moving, I was faced with the most devastating loss that I can ever imagine having to face. For he was truly my better half and I felt as if I buried part of myself the day of his funeral. For the last 10 1/2 months I have been trying to focus on just getting through a day; just trying to find the strength & energy to get up each day and wade through the struggles that come with each new day and the grief that is at times still almost more that I can handle.   I miss Matt so much it is almost more that I can bear at times but know that I have to continue to live and try my best to find some happines again. I know that when my time comes that he will be waiting for me on the other side of those pearly gates but for now, it is not my time and I MUST continue to live because I know that he would want me to live life to the fullest and be happy and healthy.   Before, it took me a long time to get pyschologically ready to take this giant step in my life. I knew that Matt was behind me whatever happened and was excited about the changes that it would bring to my life and our future. Life without him has proven to be a daily struggle but I know that he was as excited as I was about the potential for a healthier future for me/us after surgery and although he is no longer here to share in my success, I know that he would want for me to continue on this path and spend the rest of my life as healthy as possible.   So, I begin to try to refocus on my health and the potential for surgery. I am trying to get emotionally/pyshchologically in a place that I am once again ready to head down this road. If I am going to have surgery to help me lose weight, I want to be as focused on that task as I can be when the time comes so that I can be as successful as I want to be and as he would want me to be.
Okie Sunshine

Okie Sunshine

1
 

Update...

Well, I go for my seminar at WeightWise on Saturday and am so excited. I'm worried that I may have to postpone havin my surgery . I got laid off last Thursday from my job where I have worked for over 10 yrs. It was completely unexpected and now don't know if it's financially responsible to use the $$ in my savings for surgery or if I should save every penny until I have a new job?? One part of me says, do it, I may never have a better time. The other side of me says, it's financially irresponsible to be spending that kind of $$ on something that is optional. I'm afraid if I wait that I may never have the $$ in hand again to do it. Not to mention when starting a new job, it may be a while before I can schedule a weeks vacation.   On top of losing my job, I am also moving. I signed the contract to sell my house last Tuesday and then lost my job on Thursday. Not sure what's going to happen now. I was buying my grandmothers house but not sure what's going to happen now as I doubt any bank will loan me $$ when I don't have a job. I may have to do the lease to buy or rent it from my my grandmothers estate until I get settled with a new job. ARG!!! I am so stressed!!
Okie Sunshine

Okie Sunshine

3
 

My journey to the new me...

Well, after 10 or so months of thinking about surgery, I have decided that I am going to do it. I have spent many many hrs researching to learn as much as I could before I made a decision. I've spent 20 hrs or so on this site, reading about other peoples journeys and decided it's time that I join them. I am lucky, my family is extremely supportive and so is my man. I have no intentions of telling anyone else for the time being. I don't feel like it's anyone elses business.   I have tried everything I know to try on my own: WW, Jenny Craig, Transformations, low carb, low calorie, low fat, no sugar, the cabbage soup diet, the liquid protein diet, the 6 week body makeover, apple cider vinegar diet, you get the idea. Do I lose weight on those diets? Sure I do but I can't keep it off.   I excercise 5-6 days a week for an hour to an hour and a half at a time and manage to tone up some but no real weight loss. I don't eat fried food, cheese or many of the other things that I know are so bad for you like bacon. I eat more fruit in a week then most people I know do in a month.   Bottom line....I'm tired of being fat. My highest weight ever was about 385 (several yrs ago), I lost down to about 325 (where I am now). I have managed to keep that 60 lbs off but every other pound I've lost since then have always put back on up to that 325 mark. For someone as overweight as I am, I am still a very active person, for example this last year I bought a house that needed some work as the yard was in horrible shape. During the summer of 07 I dug up and hauled off railroad ties that were suck in 4 ft of concrete, tore down a shed piece by piece, but up a new privay fence, crawled up on my roof and patched it, tore off an extension over the back porch, rented a jackhammer to bust up concrete, hauled off said concrete (about 6,000 lbs of it), laid a flat of sod (you get the idea), I'm not a lazy person but as I was doing all of these things I just kept thinking how much easier it would be if I didn't weigh 300+ pounds. So, I began weighing (no pun intended) my options and begin making a list of the pro's and con's as well as a list of goals. The pro's outnumberd the con's by 2 to 1 at least so I begin my research. I have decided I have nothing to lose.   I go to my seminar at the surgery place on Feb 2nd and I am excited. Also a little scared but I know that's normal. This is going to be a huge change. I know other people have felt the same way and they have come through it okay but you never really know how they felt until you've been through it yourself.   So...hang on, it's going to be a wild ride....:redface:
Okie Sunshine

Okie Sunshine

3
 

My weight loss goals....

So, I guess it comes down to this. What do I hope to achieve by having this surgery???   I would like to weigh 160 lbs but would be happy to be at 185 (can't believe I put that in writing.
Be healthy
Be off my BP pills
No more back problems or pain
Be able to buy clothes that aren't in the "WOMAN" section
By regular size underwear :tt1:
Sexy underwear
Be at a healthy weight so that I can get "the girls" downsized :huh2:
Buy sexy bras and matching panties
Walk w/o my legs rubbing together
Cross my legs
Fit in a booth w/o worrying whether I'll fit
Fit comfortably in the chairs at the PAC when Matt and I go to the theatre
Fit comfortably in an airplane seat
Buy cute shoes
Buy over the calf boots
Be able to dress the way that I want to w/o worrying about how many rolls I'll show
Be able to buy a swimsuit
Be able to get in the pool with Matt
Be able to wear heels w/o killing my feet
Be able to wear heels w/o my ankles protesting
Be able to comfortably ride my bike
Jog
Be able to fit into my "skinny" jeans
Be able to fit into my blue polk a dotted dress again
Be able to go on Matt's celebration vacation w/o worrying about how many things I CAN'T do
Not always having to "hide" my body in pictures :redface:
Not always have to sit in the front when riding with other people
Not have to worry about whether or not seatbelts in other people's cars will fit
To know that when I get married, I will have nothing to worry about on the honeymoon :eek:
And my reward when I hit my goal weight.........drum roll please (skydive! :tt1:)
Okie Sunshine

Okie Sunshine

1
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