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Jan 22

Jan 22, 06 -- OK I fell off my wagon and rolled down the hill and then jumped on the next wagon and fell off that one too. LOL!!   But I did it all for making the video for Biggest Loser. I thought why not show them what I eat in a typical day. NOT THE Nutrisystem meals but what I could eat in a typical day. LOL!! So, pizza, chips, beer, cheeseburgers, and desserts also. SIGH!! Now I feel like crap. I don't mean mentally I mean physically.   I knew that some foods can trigger physical symptoms and now I know what foods can trigger mine. Just about all dairy and processed foods are bad for me. I was feeling light as a feather (ok maybe not that light but less heavy ok) when I was eating all veggies, fruits, and getting in my water every day. I went off the diet for two full days now and man can I feel it. My bones hurt, my sinuses are a mess, my head is all stuffy, my nose is running and NO I am not getting the flu or the cold. I feel fine otherwise. OK the video is done. So starting tomorrow back to Nutrisystem.   I venture to guess that I gained some poundage back at next weigh in. YIKES!!!
Penni60

Penni60

1
 

Frustrations

As a moderator and a member of this wonderful forum, I find those two roles are challenging to separate at times. Over the last week and a half now I have been putting out fires the best way I know how being a moderator. On the other hand I see somethings that I would like to just scream out and say "Get over it, they are just words, they can't kill you, they only hinder your weight loss journey!" But I keep those words to myself. I have to remain impartial. SIGH!! Makes me rethink why I became a moderator to begin with. LOL!!!
Penni60

Penni60

1
 

Feb 19

Just a quick note in my journal before I hit the hay. I have been a very bad person lately with regards to my eating habits. I have eaten all the wrong foods. Since I am disbanded I can eat ANYTHING I want now. And man am I testing that theory. Travelling doesn't help that much. I was in Tucson for about 10 days for a bead show. THen was home for all of 3 days then headed to Nashville, TN / Princeton, KY to visit family. I have been eating fast food and junk mostly on this trip. I am heading home on Thursday the 23rd. Hopefully once I get home I can get back on track with the diet and exercise and set up a routine. I am still waiting to hear back from Biggest Loser. I think if I don't hear from them by the end of the month then I didn't get picked. Oh well at least I tried. I am planning on working out the Jewelry Party protocol when I get home. I wanna start making some money with this biz I started. PeMerri Designs is a baby right now but something I am pretty proud of so far. www.pemerridesigns.com will begin to grow soon and who knows I might need some assistants. LOL!! It could happen. I have to research some good marketing strategies. Enough for tonight!
Penni60

Penni60

1
 

Committment Entry

Today's plan accomplishment:   I will follow my Nutrisystem meal plans. (I am just waiting for my shipment of foods. In the meantime I am committing to eating healthier and making better food choices.) I will exercise for a minimum of 20 min a day 4 days a week. (Walked on treadmill for 10, ab lounger for 5, recumbent bike for 10) I will lose at least 1 lb a week. (Not even gonna stress over this one for a long long time. Just gonna walk the walk for now and whatever I get is gravy.)   I will drink at least 64 ounces of water a day. (Getting in the water is easy.)   Positive reinforcement mantras: I will continue to eat healthy and hope to lose weight. I will continue to exercise and hope to lose weight. I will continue to be proud of myself with all the accomplishments to date.   This has been a long hard struggle being without the band. I have fought back and lost ground so many times I can't even begin to tell you. I recently read a GREAT and highly recommended book by Rhonda Britten called, "Do I look Fat In This?" WOW!! Eye opener can we say. First of all I love Rhonda. She is one of the life coaches on Starting Over. She is just a doll and so sincere. And let me just add what a life she has had. What obstacles she has had to overcome. She is my hero. She watched her father shoot and kill her mother then he turned the gun on himself. She was only 15 when this happened. She is one strong lady let me tell you. Anyway, this book enlightens us to our attributes and how we should be thankful for what we have and not wish our lives away on what we don't. That is an over-simplification of the books message but you get the drift. Anyway, I loved it.   Here is my RE-COMMITTMENT to gaining self instead of losing pounds. If those lost pounds are an end result then HOORAY!! If I never lose another pound I will be happy in who I am.   I love all you guys. Can you feel the love? BUST---47 WAIST---43 HIPS---53 THIGH---27 CALVES---20 ARMS---20
Penni60

Penni60

1
 

Comments re: todays posts

I am awaiting Alex' decision of whether or not I am still a moderator. I haven't heard from him as yet. I sent him an email on or about the 23rd regarding my involvement in BigChix fiasco. I have publicly apologized for my participation in that event. I don't know what else I can do at this point. I have suspended doing any Moderator duties until I hear from him. I won't lock a thread, delete a thread, respond to any requests for such or perform any Moderator duties till he lets me know one way or the other. Being on LBT has been fun and exciting and sometimes disappointing and frustrating. I have made mistakes in the past and have atoned for them. I have owned up to my lack of judgement this time as well. If I am wrong I admit it and apologize for it. Only time will tell what the final outcome will be. In the future I will think before I act. I will use my better judgement and think or walk away from the situation and get a second opinion if need be before I act. I am just outraged by the comments Lisa made about me and my character. SIGH!! I should have learned the first time.
Penni60

Penni60

4
 

Feb 2, 2006

My thoughts tonight After the comments back and forth surrounding the Dr. Ortiz thread I felt the need to vent some on a separate thread.   I won't rehash what was already said on that thread. I will simply state my thoughts and how I am dealing with it all.   I was very offended by the comments of both Dr. Ortiz and Dr. Pleatman. I addressed those on that thread.   When thinking about my own personal demons I reflect on what got me so mad and upset over those comments. I realized it was one more thing telling me that no matter what I try it won't work. I will forever be fat. My insecurities came out when both their comments seemed insensitive and detached. This pissed me off as an RN and it pissed me off as a patient.   This anger does me NO GOOD. I just need to redirect these feelings of failure with the band in a more positive light. I know I have lost weight with the band. I see this. I feel this. But I am focusing on now that I don't have the band anymore what will I do to keep off what I lost. It is hard to see past one minute of one hour of one day.   I come here for support and understanding and compassion to get through the rough times. I don't come here for seemingly uncaring surgeons to suggest I 'get over' losing the band. Yes it might have been an unfortunate mistake for him to have said that and he might truly be sorry for the comment. But I just simply don't think he gets how damaging that statement could be.   So, I am rambling here and alot of this might not make any sense at all. This is more for me than anything else. Sort of a cathartic exercise.   I am really struggling on a day to day basis. I get up and eat my breakfast and do really well till around 2 or 3 pm. Then it all falls apart. I am travelling right now and that makes it harder to stick to the Nutrisystem diet. I am struggling to get in my water. I was doing so well the first two weeks. I even lost 6 lbs on it in the first two weeks. Now I am away from home and really worried I am gaining back the weight. I am so upset with myself right now. I have struggled to keep honest and to be accountable. That is hard to do. I eat really good then I screw it up. So I start the day all over again the next day telling myself "today will be different" and it isn't.   The one thing that worked for me was having the Band. Now that is gone. So, I am on this roller coaster of eating right and eating junk every day. My body is not liking it either. My joints are aching, my back is more sore than usual, headaches are returning, I have noticed my ankles are swelling more along with my fingers as well. All this was going on before I was banded. So does this mean I am regressing? YES!! And this is what scares me.   I am so happy for Michelle that she has moved on and facing her demons as best she can. I am struggling with this same issue.   To those that supported and said such sweet things on the Dr. Ortiz thread I am proud to call you part of my band family.   To those that expressed a differing opinion, I respect your statements but walk a mile in my shoes first before making a suggestion that by me raising a couple of questions and making a couple of comments would run off any doctor.   To those that have had really great experiences in Mexico, I am truly happy for you and I pray that you continue to have those great experiences. I would not wish what I have gone through on anyone friend or foe.   To those that are new and just starting the process, do your homework. Know that if you chose Mexico please have local aftercare set up. Otherwise know that if you have an emergent situation you will need to go back to your band surgeon. This could raise some difficult issues you will need to face rather quickly that you hadn't thought through.   I really care about each and every one of you guys. I would offer my support and understanding and can assure you of me being non judgmental.   The only thing I ask in return is that I receive the same of which I have on many occasions and most likely will in the future as well.   G-nite family.
Penni60

Penni60

1
 

Jan 21

Jan 21, 06 -- Saw Dr. Billy on Thursday and he gave me the all clear. He and I discussed what I was doing now opposed to what I was NOT doing with the band. I am doing the Nutrisystem meals and counting my calories like mad. I am ever so gradually getting back into my exercise routine. He also wants me to start two lists. SIGH!! One list is of the "thing" that are keeping me from losing weight. Something like eating after 8p, or eating too many calories, etc. Then state how I can correct that issue. Make a plan on how to correct the behavior. The second list is of all the foods I love to eat. Once I have exhausted my pea brain of the items, he wants me to begin with the first item and learn everything I can about that food. He wants me to take a picture of the food per the serving. If chicken is my first item then get a pic of a serving (4 oz) both cooked and uncooked. Learn what the calorie and protein values are of that serving. Take the pic and the info and put it into a folder or notebook so I can refer to it. Do that with all the foods I list. Pic one food a week to learn all I can about it. This will be an exercise in diligence. And consistency as well. SIGH!! OH If I had just done this while I was banded. All in all he was very pleased with my progress while on Nutrisystem. He wants to see me in about 8 weeks. We did not even discuss my options post band removal. I guess it really is too soon to discuss that. In the meantime, I have just completed my Video for the Biggest Loser. YIPPEE!!! I will get that mailed off in the next couple of days. I wanna tweak it some.
Penni60

Penni60

1
 

New Stuff

WOW!! Will Alex B ever stop improving on this site. This is amazing and so much fun. Jan 16,06 - Just got home from seeing Eye doc. I had some issues come up after I had a dry heave episode while in the hospital after having my band removed in Dec,05. I got a clean bill of health today. HOORAY!! Eating still on track. Exercise taking a slow start this year due to sciatica having acted up. But it is subsiding now. Getting my water in every day. Starting to get my jewelry biz off the ground. Wanna check it out? www.pemerridesigns.com Later!
Penni60

Penni60

1
 

Weight update

Weight now: 269 :faint:   Exercise today: 30 min (10 min at 2mph and 5 incline on treadmill; 10 min on the weight bench focusing on Triceps, biceps, and quads; 5 min on the Recumbent bike at full speed = heart rate up to 130; 5 min on Ab lounger)   Diet: Strict adherance to Nutrisystem.   Will check back in later today to report.
Penni60

Penni60

2
 

Jan 18

Jan 18, 06 - Somewhat of a good day physically, anyway. I went for a walk with John this morning. (1.5 miles = 20 min). I have stayed on track as far as food and water goes. Emotionally it sucks. I just heard from my daughter in Florida that she just miscarried. We are all devastated. She is doing fine but wrecked emotionally. SIGH!! I go see Dr. Billy tomorrow for my follow up from the Erosion surgery in Dec. I will come and post an update after I get home.
Penni60

Penni60

1
 

Feb 26

This is just a horrible battle. Head demons, cravings, no willpower, etc. And you know those are all excuses. I have the power to make changes. I have the power to get up and exercise. I have the power to eat healthier. I have the power to motivate myself. I have the power to occupy my mind with other things. I have the POWER!! I just need to recognize this and "just do it"!
Penni60

Penni60

1
 

Jan 28

OK, most of you know I have lost my band due to erosion. I went through a "bad patch" right after. I slipped into a deep depression and almost let it control me. I talked with a good friend and was encouraged to grieve and then let it go. Which is exactly what I did.   The thing is, I didn't really realize I was grieving till I spoke with her. Then it became clear to me I was doing just that. I had to work through all the stages of grief. I am presently in anger and acceptance. One minute I am pissed off, then the next I am "ok I lost the band." I am leaning more toward the later nowadays. More calm now.   It all comes down to just accepting where you are in life and appreciating it. Then deciding to make changes based on what you want.   I put out in the universe that I wanted a particular car. I was determined to have it. I tried to convince my boyfriend to buy it for me. That didn't work. Then I tried to buy it myself and that didn't work. I had all but given up on owning this dream car. I prayed about it. I screamed it to the universe that I wanted this car. I just knew I was gonna get it eventually. Well Friday I got it. I applied for a loan that I just knew I wasn't gonna get and voila I got it. I drove that puppy home yesterday and I was in heaven. I have been making excuses to go places just so I can drive it.   The point I am getting to is "ask for what you want". Speak it loud. Not squeak it to yourself or under your breath. SCREAM it out loud. Then allow the universe to work it's magic. It will come at the right time when it is right for you.   Some people will think this is a bunch of HOOEY!! So what? Who cares? If YOU believe it then what does it matter what someone else believes. I am a Christian but I don't judge someone else simply because they aren't. I respect their beliefs even if they don't respect mine. The universe is a metaphor for whatever you believe will answer your prayers, requests, desires, wants, dreams, etc. If that is GOD then shout to GOD what you want. If it is a Goddess then shout to Her. If it is Buddha then shout to Him. Get the pic?   You will never get what you want if you don't find your VOICE. Yes it hides from time to time. And it gets shut down by others as well. But you have the power to shout and ask for what you want.   OK I have rambled long enough.   "I WANT TO BE HEALTHIER AND LIGHTER IN WHATEVER FORM THAT MIGHT BE, AND THE AWARENESS TO SEE IT!"   That was my shout did you hear it?
Penni60

Penni60

2
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