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happy new year

Happy new year to me...this is the first time I can make a resolution to lose weight and I know I will do it! I am already looking forward to 2009 so I can see results of my surgery and change in eating/exercise. I think its really going to happen this time. My surgery is scheduled for Monday Jan. 14 2008. I start my hi protein/low carb 2 week diet on New Years day. I am a bit nervous, I think it is going to be a long 2 weeks, but knowing the end is in sight has got to help. Right???? I have so many emotions, I am a stressed out mama right now! I started this journey in August 2007. I can't tell you exactly what made me decide to do it now....I think it is Gods way of telling me. Or my brothers, I don't know which. I finally allowed myself to look in the miror and see who was looking back - and I freaked out that that fat ugly person was actually me. Before, I knew I was fat. But if I didn't see pictures of myself or look in the mirror it wasn;t really "REAL". Like I was actually going to escape it by doing that? i just triend not to think about it so it would go away. I could always blamne it on all the pregnancues - but when I look at women with more children then me who are in good shape, I had to find another excuse than just being big boned or prone to inheriting those genes from my dad. Well, my hopes of it magically going away didn't happen. My clothing size kept going up. I had no visible neck anymore, just a few extra chins. I couldn;t sit in chairs when I went out to places....and sliding into the booth at a restaurant was embarrassing I could hardly breathe. My back ached. My knees began to bother me. I was tired of walking anywhere and feling like I was going to die from lack of breath. I still can;t bend over to tie my own shoes. I can't ride rides with my kids or even get on a bike without fear of not fitting into or on it. My kids friends made comments that i was fat, and I knew it hurt their feelings. People could always descibe me to someone who didn't know me...shes a pretty girl with brown hair, you know, the really fat one. I was an embarrassment to my kids and my family. I didn't even feel desirable to my husband - even though he said he loved me no matter what. All I could think was my fat rolling around and i couldn;t even be on top anymore for fear of suffocating him. How could someone want to be intimate with the likes of this? i was so disappointed that I had let my mom see me get to this weight. i know she has been so worried and sad for me. I actually turned into one of those women whose arms are as fat as her legs, and who had a belly that stretched down to the middle of her thighs. My shirts couldn't even cover my stomach without it peeking out from underneath. I never understood how peeple could let themselves get like that...and look at what I did. I was now one of them! I am only 41 years old, and I want to LIVE a long and happy life. i do not want my family or my kids to bury me because I had no willpower and died prematurely because I didn;t take care of myself. I havaen;t even had the same relationship with God lately because I am so disgusted that I messed up a wonderful life he gave me. It's time for me to get it back, i just need help along the way and support so i don;t give up anymore! Well, i am going to weigh myself tomorrow and see what happens. It's the start of a whole new year and a whole new life for me too. I'll write more later. :cursing: :nervous :sick :embarassed: :cursing:

lola41

December 31, 2007

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