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About this blog

my journey to gorgeous 160lbs again!

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Being fat is lonely.

Being fat is lonely. It wasn't enough to be publically tormented and laughed at throughout school, but the effects later on are painful. As a kid I was not hurt badly, but enough to add emotional scars. I was always the fat girl friend, the one anyone can talk with and hang out with, but never get close to. My friends never called me fat, but those backhanded comments like, "you'd be so pretty if you were skinny (or not so fat... yeah I got that one)". The laughter when sitting down on chairs, that used to creak and moan under my weight... it just killed me. I hated myself, eversince elementary school. I begged my parents to send me to a fat camp when I was in 3rd grade... they finally did the summer before 5th grade. I cried many times after school, just due to people talking about me behind my back. What? Like I didn't know I was fat?   I'm now 133 pounds lighter... but I still feel like people are staring at me, judging me, laughing at me. The only place I feel comfortable is at the hospital and at the gym. Students are more accepting of me now that I'm skinnier, but I'm still the largest person by far. Going out with them, means me and several girls in size 4 hang out... while they get hit on and I'm lonely in the corner. Some of my friends went out (and to be honest, I have to get up at 5:30 am and I couldn't go)... but the thought of being isolated brought back all my self-loathing feelings. I would have gone, but I would have been uncomfortable... especially since they get all dolled up in cute clothes that look good on them and I'm in frumpy jeans/T-shirt that try to cover up my flaws.   It's lonely in the sense of dating. It just doesn't happen, either because I write F*ck Off on my forehead or that my body is that repulsive (or that I convy my self-loathing without words). The guys that I'm attracted to DO NOT like large girls... I know that based on their previous girlfriends. I would never change myself for another person, but it's a shame that a guy I like isn't attracted to me physically... which you need that in addition to the personality component.   Sorry for the sad post. I just feel isolated, still... even though I do "fit" in society better. My perception still gets in the way of my happiness...   I know others can relate, but I just had to vent or share or whatever.Alyssa, sweetheart I can relate. We all can. No one gets to be as big as we are and does not know how it feels to be tormented and hurt and rejected. People always say, "When you lose weight, you are just a smaller version of the person you are right now, so love yourselve for the person you are right now, big or small." Well, that is true and great advice, but how do you love yourself now, when you never loved yourself...ever???!!! This is how, you step away from yourself and approach this as if you were a friend of yours. Okay? So you are not Alyssa, you are a friend of Alyssa's. What are the things you love about Alyssa? Why is she your friend? What do you think is beautiful about? And so on... Sound corny? Beleive me, it works. I swear. It gets you to focus on something other than what YOU don't like about yourself and start to see what OTHERS do like about you. Now, regarding men, babe they have super sensitive radars to woman with low confidence. Some of them pray on that and are like preditors waiting for an easy mark. Others don't want to get involved because they don't want to hurt you. So, they stear clear. Let me say, some men are just plain intimidated by a tall, curvy Goddess. ( happens all the time to me...lol ) Nothing and I mean NOTHING, not perky big boobs, bootylisious beyonce booty, not legs for miles, is as sexy as a confident woman. So, don't beat yourself up. Take this time to learn yourself all over again. Learn to love yourself, care for yourself and respect yourself. If you do, he will too. If you don't, you will attract every doornob from here to East Jabip!!! Think about some therapy. It can (in a very short time) work miracles. Okay and my last thought....you are never alone. God loves you Alyssa and so do we. WE are here when ever you need. Just reach out....
luvlif

luvlif

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7/26 212.8LBS V.RESTRICTED!

:clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: MY SIZE 10 OLD NAVY CAPRIS NOW FIT! YES! :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: I FIT A SIZE 12 MAY 27TH I'LL BE A SIZE 8 SEPT 27 I'LL BE A SIZE 6 NOV 29 ! 2 WEEKS BEFORE MY 1 YR ANNIVERSARY:clap2:   YESTERDAY MY BEIGE LIZ CLAIB. SILK JACKET FIT.
luvlif

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11/22 189.5

hello 180s:clap2: goal 181 by 11/30..7days & 8lbs to goal! he looks sad & tired came to see me by himself w light bulbs...
luvlif

luvlif

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12/7 yay!

:clap2: I'm fitting into most of my old clothes that still have tags on them...that never fit...yesterday I was wearing my new, unworn silk Jones NY black blouse. Tomorrow I will wear my shiny snake print beige & black shirt that I bought 6 yrs ago! To day I'm wearing my purple tweed blazer that my old assistant Anmarie had given me for Christmas in 2000 :nervous I also weigh less than I have since 2002...to-day I weigh 187.1. Now my journey begins to where I haven't gone since 1989. Now I'm ready to begin that journey, & looking forward to it....the band makes it possible for me to shed more weight.
luvlif

luvlif

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"I believe"

"I believe"   I believe - That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.   I believe - That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.   I believe - That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.   I believe - That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.   I believe - That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.   I believe - That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.   I believe - That you can keep going long after you think you can't.   I believe - That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.   I believe - That either you control your attitude or it controls you.   I believe - That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.   I believe - That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.   I believe - That money is a lousy way of keeping score.   I believe - That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.   I believe - That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.   I believe - That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.   I believe - That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.   I believe - That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.   I believe - That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.   I believe - That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.   I believe - That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.   I believe - That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.   I believe - That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.   I believe - That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.   I believe - That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.   I believe - That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.   I believe - That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.   I believe - That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
luvlif

luvlif

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226! 4/3/06

2 week challenge! 6 lbs down by April 17 06! 220lbs by April 17th! 600 cals daily, walk 60 mins daily, drink80 oz water.
luvlif

luvlif

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bette blackwell's # and mine

~~~~~~~~~~~~~WEIGHT.....BMI.....POUNDS LOST lost FIRST APPOINTMENT.....376.......54 1st apt 271 wt lbs total DAY OF SURGERY..........350.......50.2....26day of surg 265 7 1 MONTH.....................330.. ....47.3....46 1 month 247 18= 25 2 MONTHS....................323......46.3....53 2 months 235 12= 37 3 MONTHS....................319......45.7....57 3 mar 225 230 4LBS = 41 4 MONTHS....................296......42.4....80 4 apr215 5 MONTHS....................286......41......90 5 may205 6 MONTHS....................276.....39.6....100 6 jun195 7 MONTHS....................266.....38.1....110 7 jul 180lbs 8 MONTHS....................252..........36.1........124 9 MONTHS....................245..........35.1........131 10 MONTHS..................231...........33.1........145 11 MONTHS..................227...........32.5........149 1 YEAR........................223...........30.9........160 18 MONTHS..................174...........24.9.........202 2 YEARS.......................163..........23.5..........213
luvlif

luvlif

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GAME PLAN

10/7/06***194 10/14/06***189 10/21/06***184 10/28/06***180
luvlif

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MY GOALS! 4/5 226LBS

4/4 : weight: lbs lost: goal 225 4/11: weight: lbs lost: goal 222.5 4/18: weight: lbs lost: goal 220 4/25: weight: lbs lost: goal 217.5
luvlif

luvlif

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1/25/06 243 6 WEEKS SINCE SURGERY

DO NOT BELIEVE THAT HE WHO SEEKS TO COMFORT YOU LIVES UNTROUBLED AMONG THE SIMPLE AND QUIET WORDS THAT SOMETIMES DO YOU GOOD. HIS LIFE HAS MUCH DIFICULTY..... OTHERWISE HE WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FIND THOSE WORDS. RAINER MARIE RILKE MARIA SAID TODAY SHE ATE 4 CHICK NUG & SM CHILLI & SM ICRM CONE BFAST: 2 CRACKERS, 1 CHEESE, 1 EGG 100 CALS LUNCH: CRAB LEGS 260 + SHRIMP 75 + ROLL100 = 435 + 100 = 535 DINNER:CHICK NUG 170 =705 + 4 RITZ CRAKRS 100= 800
luvlif

luvlif

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7/15 213.2 on ww scale

Rubu fixed the ww scale...more accurate! Threw out the old Healthometer This scale is more like Geiss scale. I weighed 224 on his scale 6/21...so I've shed 11 lbs since. Should be interesting to see what I weigh on the 21st of this month! Fawzie weighed herself on it...157 now that's a # I'd like to see...I'm taller than her!
luvlif

luvlif

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1/16/07 size 8 swan jeans, 178lbs YES!!!

:clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: LAST YR THIS TIME I WAS SO HAPPY W SMALL VICTORIES! MY 1ST POST WAS 1/19/06 AND I LOVED THAT SIZE 18 FIT (back then)NOW TODAY A YEAR LATER I'M SIZE 8!:clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: MAKES ME A HAPPY GIRL:clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2:
luvlif

luvlif

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ticker

http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/3;10723;89;0;0/c/-51/t/-110/k/6f2d/weight.png   cheetos 100 yoghurt 140 240 ww 270 510 ww 270 780 cheese its 100 880
luvlif

luvlif

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2/19 235LBS

WALKED 50MINS LAST NITE 1.550 MILES, & 290 CALS BURNT, ATE 575 CALS. I HAVE TO BE DISCIPLINED W MY EATING... EGG WHITES, COTTAGE CHEESE, & FISH ONLY! I MUST WORK WITH THE BAND IT'S A TOOL LIKE THE VACCUM CLEANER, YOU GOTTA USE IT. NOW I MUST MEASURE EVERYTHING THAT I EAT. MY LEGS GOT SLIMMER...MY TROUSERS ARE VERY LOOSE. WENT TO TARGET & BOUGHT REAL MISSES SIZE 18 PANTS IN BLACK & BROWN THE BLACK FIT BEAUTIFULLY...I LOOK THINNER!
luvlif

luvlif

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4/17 GEISS 235.6 ON HIS SCALE

MY FILL IS AT 2.8. I WAS @ 2.5 & POWERS GAVE ME .3cc I ALSO LOST 3LBS IN 2 WEEKS. POWERS WANTS ME TO SEE LISA GENTILE. HE FOUND MY PORT ON THE FIRST TRY THIS ONCE. JUDY MAUANG WAS THERE SHE TOO LOOKS GOOD! SHE SAID DAWN HAD STARTED TO THROW UP DELIBERATELY TO LOSE THE LAST 20LBS BEFORE HER TUMMY TUCK.POWERS TOLD ME THAT MOST INS COVER TUMMY TUCK TODAY FOR POST OP BECAUSE OF THE ITCHING IN THE FOLD.
luvlif

luvlif

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finish each day

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can.   Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your own nonsense.- Ralph Waldo Emerson
luvlif

luvlif

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6/16 210!

:clap2: 6 month anniversary! 210 lbs:clap2: :clap2: 69 lbs down! my size 10 will fit by July 4th:clap2: :clap2: my old Bob's store cream colored shirt w pockets fits!:clap2: :clap2: I'm so happy I have summer clothes that fit!:clap2: my brand new teal, blue, and purple Victoria Secrets bras all fit I'm now a 36d
luvlif

luvlif

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7/1 1C RICE = 650 CALS!

:kiss2::kiss2::kiss2:GET A LIFE IN WHICH YOU ARE NOT ALONE FIND PEOPLE YOU LOVE AND WHO LOVE YOU:kiss2::kiss2: AND REMEMBER LOVE IS NOT LEISURE, IT IS WORK ANNA QUINDLEN:kiss2:
luvlif

luvlif

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10/14 HAPPY 10 MO ANNIVERSARY TO ME!

WORE MY PLUM PIN CORDUROY JACKET W MY BLACK BOOTS & CROPPED PANTS ..I LOOK HOT! HE STARED @ ME ALMOST LIKE "GEE SHE'S TOO GOOD FOR ME" MY HOUND'STOOTH FITS & SO DOES THE BROWN SUIT & B&W POLKA DOT IS A LITTLE SNUG...ANOTHER MONTH & IT WILL FIT! BOUGHT SIZE 8 PANTS @ K-MART...THEY FIT!
luvlif

luvlif

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8/7/06 210.1

MY SIZE 10 WHITE BILL BLASS CAPRIS FIT! I LOVE THEM! I WALKED ALL AROUND YALE CAMPUS W RUBU YESTERDAY. GOT MY HAIR DONE ON SAT THE OWNER OF HEADCUTTERS DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME. WENT TO GEISS'S OFFICE W CARMELA & NANCY. GEISS,JOANNE, JOY,& KATHY SAID I LOOK GOOD. GEISS TOLD ME I MAKE HIS DAY EVERYTIME HE SEES ME & HOW WELL I'M DOING. WENT TO SUNRISE LAB TO DAY & THE LAB TECH LOOKED @ ME & SAID "HI SKINNY I SAW YOU IN THE DUNKIN DONUTS PARKING LOT & I COULDN'T BELIEVE HOW THIN YOU ARE! GEORGIA FROM NEXT DOOR TOLD ME HOW GOOD I LOOK ON SATURDAY
luvlif

luvlif

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