As I'm sitting here eating on my lunch break, I decided I should start a blog. I was banded 12/10/07, and have only had two fills. I'm not sure exactly how much I was filled, but my doctor told me that my band was already filled slightly when it was put in. After my 1st fill in January, I didn't have too much restriction, so when I went in for my 2nd fill, they filled me up well! So well, that I felt I really didn't need a fill until recently. I still have food getting stuck, but it totally depends. One day, I can get by without anything getting stuck, the next, I drink water and it feels like it's stuck! I understand this is a common feeling with most of us bandsters. I lost 14 pds pre-op (started 239), and 25 pounds post-op. Over the summer, I went about 3 months where I didn't lose / didn't gain. I stopped logging in here and reading posts - this is what usually keeps me motivated. In September, I finally started losing again and I've lost 13 pounts since then. I've been hovering around 200-201 for the past week and it's killing me! I can't wait until I'm in onederland, but no matter what I do, it's not changing! Forty pounds doesn't seem like a lot when I read posts about people who started around my weight / same time, who've lost 60-70! But then I remind myself that I'd be 10-15 pounds heavier then when I started this process, and 40 pounds is a lot of weight! One year from now, hopefully I'll be blogging about how I'm at goal.
My skinny friends / younger sister will go out to eat with me, and always notice that they eat so much more then I do. It was pretty much like this before I had the band too, I have a very sloow metabolism, and my Doctor told me that because of this, it's going to be extra difficult for me. I've been a vegetarian for 10 years, who yes, occassionally would eat fast food, and snack, but ate pretty similar to other people my age - only they were much thinner. Most women my age (I'm 25 by the way) burn close to 2,000 calories with a sedendary lifestyle. So eating, 1,300 - 1,500 calories a day is a diet and they'll lose weight. I burn 1,400, in order for me to lose weight, my doctor advised I must eat 1,000 calories a day. 1,000!!! When I stay on this plan, I lose, but slowly and then my skinny sister thinks I'm anorexic! After being accused of being anorexic, I'll start eating more just to prove that I am most definitely not and then I stay fat. Has anyone had a similar experience?
With all the above, I guess 40 pounds is pretty impressive although I don't feel any thinner. A few years ago, I lost 40 pounds (only weighed 180 then), and I suddenly felt so exposed. At 180, I would show off some cleavage, or be outgoing and crazy, I guess for attention, but at 140, I would wear turtlenecks, and was quieter, and I was still getting so much attention, it sorta freaked me out. I would wear baggy sweatshirts and jeans out, which is so not like me. It was then that I stopped working-out, and caring about what I ate again, and the weight crept back on + 50 more pounds! Has anyone felt that they've subconsciously sabotaged themselves because they couldn't identify with the person they were on the outside compared to the person on the inside? I feel as if I'm past this now, and am ready to change the inside to match the out. I still know that even at 140 pds (goal), I'm going to look in the mirror and see a fat person. I know from experience, when I did weigh 140, I felt I was this fat person who was decieving everyone by being thin on the outside. Does this make any sense? I would meet a guy, and we'd end up kissing or something, and I'd think "If he only knew he was actually kissing a fat girl!" And I know it sounds / is crazy, and I knew it at the time, it was a subconscious feeling I couldn't shake. But I definitely agree that being thin and healthy outweighs the above "cons." And having been there, and back, I'm going to be much wiser and give in to my fears and embrace my thin beautiful healthy self.
When I went to get my lunch from the office fridge, I passed by our super skinny, gorgeous secretary munching on Funions. I pulled out my healthy meager little lunch and was sad for a second, but then I realized, I am not that person, I'll never be that person. We are all made differently and we need to stop comparing ourselves to other people and getting angry for what we don't have. I'll bet there is someone who feels that way about me? Somewhere in the world :angry_smile:.
Sorry to be so scattered and throw so many thoughts in one post, it's my first one! I had a lot to say. :cursing:
xoxo,
Michelle:thumbup:
