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About this blog

Just me being me

Entries in this blog

 

02/13/08

Everyone keeps commenting on my weight loss. I'm beginning to think that people are seeing what they want to see. I do not SEE a loss. Sure, my clothes are a bit bigger, my undie size has dropped and I went shopping last night and bought a sweater 1 size smaller than I would normally figuring that I'd fit in to it later--I wore it today. I dunno. Maybe I am in denial about the loss... after all, I was in denial about the gain for a long time.   So, it snowed again. I hate the snow but what I hate worse is the people (at work) who need to discuss the weather as if they have never seen it before. It's winter in New England. I snows, rains, hails, sleets, freezes and then gets sunny. Deal with it. come summer the same people will be bitching about the heat, humidity, and thunderstorms. And I will be right here bitching about them...lol.   I tried to eat sirloin last night. It tasted soooo good but I got kinda sick. I ate around 6-ish. I went to bed late for me-around 1030.. I had a tummy ache/burpies/and kinda felt like a cat with a hairball. I dont anticipate having that again for a while. I am, however, craving buffalo chicken. I am PMSing and tend to crave spicy during THAT time but the buffalo craving is driving me nuts.   I'm glad it's Wednesday but I am really looking forwarf to my long weekend ahead:smile:
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

1
 

01/30/08

Everyone at work has cooties and wouldnt ya know it... I caught whatever is going around. I hope it doesnt involve barfing as I am now terrified of barfing and band slippage. Other than that, things are going well. On day 24 I stepped on the scale and was down 20 pounds. I'm okay with that. I am really looking forward to my fill as my desire to eat keeps creeping up on me. I am eating pretty well. The mexi-melt from taco bell probably doesnt qualify as well but it tasted damn good. Besides, I only ate one. In the old days, I would have had 4 or 5 and not exactly chewed any of it long enough to enjoy the greasy goodness:rolleyes2:.   I hope all is well with my fellow bandsters!!
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

1
 

02/09/08

It's been a while since I've posted. I think I am running out of momentum. I've never been a big journal writer anyway.   Today has been an interesting day. I went to the doctor for my first fill at 945 this morning. yes, it HURT. Now I cant eat much and I am loving it. Today, at 1pm, I hosted a tastefully simple party. I sampled the first 3 dishes and was sooooo full. It was great. I tasted a few other things but not much. I think I love my fill. I made white peach sangria for the party. I had about 6 oz of the stuff and I was flying high. I'm not much of a drinker but I never expected it to affect me like that. Whoohoo.   So now, I am home alone. My husband had to go be a friend. His childhood buddy's wife pretty much walked out on him today and he needs Carl right now. So I am going to go relax and enjoy my new feeling of restriction!! :rolleyes2:
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

1
 

01/09/08

WHAT A DAY. I went back to work today. I woke up (good start to any day). Felt kinda icky. Thats a great college educated, hardcore definition. Icky. I was queasy and boy did I have diarrhea. The last thing eaten last night was blue popsicle and my poo was blue. So, I go to work. Desk job. For those who are in the know, you know I do "nothing" all day. For those that dont know, I am a medical biller which means, I post insurance payments all damn day. This should not be a hard thing to do. Should being the key word. Now, I work for a larger practice but I am located in the smaller division. I punched in with 2.5 minutes to spare since I couldnt leave my bathroom this am. Next, the ambush occurs.. HOW ARE YOU!? I believe that was said in unison by the entire front end staff. I then had to make my way to my corner of the universe. Everyone came to see me. I was considering this to be a royal pain in the arse when it struck me... they are coming to see me cuz they care. Or morbid curiousity to look at the freak with the pillow on her tummy. Whatever.   Lunch brought a lot of hoots and hollers and questions that I patiently answered while ingesting my 4oz of applesauce (dont know if it's on the menu yet, dont care). I am down 11 pounds. But, nothing solid going in, nothing solid coming out if ya know what I mean.   After lunch, I took a walk around the building. Fresh air, exercise... lovely. Got back to my desk and didnt know if I wanted to puke or pass out. I quietly (thats hard for me) sat there and did my work. Around 2:30 I called the husband and asked if there was ANY way he could pick me up. Kinda hard since he drives a work vehicle and we couldnt leave my car there. So, his mom dropped him off and he drove me home.   I was sooooo light headed, queasy, nauseous and all around ICKY. I didnt think I could drive home. I'm glad I didnt. I came home. Indulged in another black market scambled egg and a swig of liquid percocet and I felt human in 20 minutes.   My back ached, my tummy was so sore. I was something less than human. Forget the what did I do to myself stage, I have progressed to the what the F did I do to myself. I'm sure it will get better. It has to. I need to wear pretty (cheap) undies again.   Mom called to see how I was. She sounded lucid herself (odd). Carl is out eating pizza (bastard) with Tony. Spooky and I were laying down but Wiley decided she had to go out so we got up and now here I am in all my sports bra and granny pantied glory.   I plan on waking up tomorrow and doing it all over again... only this time, I plan on driving myself home. Once I get home, I can collapse but for now, I must push on. :eek:
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

3
 

02/18/08

I have decided that I do not enjoy being a domestic goddess on my day off. Hubby has to work so I have the whole house to myself. I did the dishes, I hard-boiled some eggs and I am washing all of the bedding. My house was built in 1923.... The washer is on the first floor, the dryer is in the basement. It is the oddest set up yet. I would love for the laundry to be all on one floor. I'd prefer the 2nd floor but just together would be great.   I slept in but was up before the crack of noon. I have been slightly productive but here's the kicker... I havent eaten yet, unless you count my protein shake, and I am not hungry... at all.   I sweated all night. I was soooo hot and soaked and gross but when I finally peeled myself from the bed, I wasnt swollen or puffy or anything. My ankles were visable. I'm wondering if I had something super salty and just decided to become a camel and hoard the water in my body. (thats why all the bedding is being washed). Now, I am looking forward to clean sheet night.. there is nothing better than a hot bath and clean sheet night. I may be in bed by 7 just to enjoy it..lol.:thumbup:   I am thinking a salad for lunch but I havent got a clue as to what to make for dinner. In the "old" days, I would just make some pasta and call it a day. Now I need to put thought and effort in to it or we end up eating out. I dont want to do that anymore. I am breaking the calorie bank (as well as the real bank) by doing that.   I dunno. I have some jewelry to make so I think I am going to go do that
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

1
 

02/17/08

Ah, the weekend. I have had a partially quiet day. Hubby is watching the race at his buddies house. I have played with my beads all day arranging and cleaning. I have spent hours in my beads and didnt even make one earring. I have a lot of design ideas now so maybe later or tomorrow I will make something.   I went shopping yesterday and almost bought clothes but decided against it. I have been on a strange sweater kick. I sweat to death in my office because the others are cold :huh2: but I have been buying sweaters on clearance. I hope I dont fit in to them next year.   I am trying to eat better. I mentally added up my average calorie content during the week. I am consuming roughly 600 cals during the day and I think dinner has been the issue. I do sooo well til I come home. I need to cook at home. Yesterday, the hubby and I were running errands and my hands started to swell to the point where I couldnt get my rings off. You wanna talk about freaking me out. I came home and ran them under cold water and the swelling went down but this morning, the swelling was back. Mild. But back.   I guess I am just rambling out of boredom. Better than eating cuz I'm bored.:thumbup:   I'm going to find my psycho Chihuahua and make sure she hasnt pee'd on anything... it never ends. lol
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

1
 

01/24/08

I am FINALLY starting to feel better. Yesterday, I had energy for the first time in a loooong time. My sleep is still a bit disturbed and I am restless but I am not falling in to bed at 6pm and staying there til 6am.   In a few weeks, I am hosting a tastefully simple party. I posted little signs and invitations at work hoping that I might get a turn out. Today, I got the razzing. Some of the MA's wanted to know WHY I was having a FOOD party..lol. I kinda laughed but its true... if ya cant swim, dont go in the ocean... if ya cant eat, dont host a food tasting party. I'm also seriously antisocial and I am having a party where I have to have people over. Whatever. It should be fun. My party is Feb 9th and my first fill Feb 11th. I should be able to nibble a little bit.   People keep telling me that they can notice a difference in my appearance. I dont see it but I think I would need to look in a mirror in order to see it. I am staying off the scale because I just dont want to know. I took before pictures on November 15th since I was originally scheduled for Nov 16th. I did not take new pictures in January. The old ones are hard enough to look at. maybe on Feb 4th, I will take more pics and compare them to the ones I have. I dunno. My clothes are fitting better but I still have a long way to go on this JOURNEY
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

1
 

01/21/08

:rolleyes:I'm here. I couldn't get in to my own journal this weekend. I could read everyone elses but my own. ODD.   So, it's day 17 and I am down 16 pounds. I can handle a pound a day. I know this wont keep up as I have been starting to incorporate real foods back in to my otherwise semi-squishy foods. Today I had 2 scrambled eggs, 1 chunk of mozzarella cheese, a protein shake, applesauce, yogurt, and 1.5 stuffed shells. After eating the stuffed shells, I went to the gracery store and didnt feel so great. I came home and made some shepards pie for my lunch or dinner tomorrow (we'll see how I feel at lunch). When I eat "real" food, I get light-headed and gross feeling for about 2 hours after. I was feeling crappy but now I feel fine. Thats just another thing to ask the doc about.   I am on the "early" shift at work for the next 2 weeks. I hate the 7am but love the 4pm. Today was quiet since the giraffe wasnt there and pretty much all of the insurance co's that I must deal with were closed. I got a lot done. There was minimal drama today. Usually Mondays are drama-filled since the weekend has occured. I am off to shower and play with my doggie... then nighty-nites.:redface:
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

1
 

03/02/08

Yesterday was a busy day. Typical day in New England.. it snowed but that wasnt going to stop me. I went for my 2nd fill. I had one three weeks ago that didnt do much for me after the first few days of it. I saw the PA. He couldnt find my port. He's in me with the needle just digging and pushing and holy hell it hurt. He gave me 4cc's of saline instead of 2. He said if I can still eat, to call in a week. So far, I'm not hungry but I can still eat. Then I got a hair cut and an eyebrow wax. I dont know what hurt more, the fill or the waxing. I am so blond and so fair that people just say, "what eyebrows?" I had it done almost 2 years ago so I figured I was due. Then hubby and I went to the parents to clean their snow, then to the flea market but there want anything good going on there. We finally come home and the girl who I have been chatting with about taking her Chihuahua for my parents contacts me and says, we can meet in an hour at walmart. Okay. So, we have been talking about the dog, the dog, the dog, then she throws in the words adoption fee. UGH. So she's asking 160. I've already gotten my parents interested in the dog. Hubby is freaking out but I agree to it and we are on our way to the bank and to walmart. The dog is so beautiful and made my dad happy instantly. It was well worth it. I went to bed early last night but was up in the middle of the night. I am up early for a Sunday but I have stuff to do today. So far my cup of tea is keeping me satisfied. Psychologically though, I want something to chew on. Allrighty.. I am off and running like a turtle.
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

1
 

03/29/08

WEEK FROM HELL Hubby started new job Monday (YAY), he came home early from work Tuesday cuz he was barfing. I start barfing Tuesday night. HOLY HELL it HURT. My old stomache came up thru my new stomache and damn, did it hurt. The last thing I ate was Tueday around 7pm... yacking around 11pm. I was up all night sitting on the toilet, barfing in to a bucket (sorry for the visual). I didnt go to work Wed (neither did hubby). Back to work (for me) on thursday only to find out late in the afternoon that the hot water heater let go and we need a new one. Hubby HAD to go back to work on Friday, so I stayed home to wait for someone to come replace it.   What really brings me here is the fact that I'm NOT losing weight. My last fill was good... til wednesday of that week. I got it on a sat and could eat without restriction on wed??? Thats not right is it? I had an appointment with the doctor on wed but was still way too sick to go and I havent called to reschedule yet (been a bit busy). Hubby saw his sister and came home and told me that something was wrong with me (duh). I dont know how much she has lost but she is in a size 12. I'd KILL for that. I'm not really jealous, just more concerned about whats going on with me. Granted, my fat ass hasnt exactly gotten on a treadmill but I am eating very well and 1/4 of what I used to consume. I went to my pcp for a physical and all my blood work was good. IDK.   I just want something to work out for me here. I am soooo tired of constant disappointments in my life. SIGH
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

1
 

01/14/08

YAWN Seems to be the statement of the day. At 5:15 this morning some nit-wit in a rear wheel drive car was trying to get down the street in a foot of snow... ummm. NO. They sat there and spun 'em for a good 30 minutes before giving up and reversing it back home. Damn fool. Then as I am drifting back to sleep the phone is ringing... GOOD NEWS.. due to it being winter in New England, I dont have to go to work until 10am... Whoo hoo. Back to sleep til hubby calls and says that as fast as he cleaned off my car, it was snowing so hard it was covered again. Needless to say, I got up.   I made it thru a semi-full day of work without killing anyone or screaming HELLO!!! its winter in New England, it snows here! If one more person asked me how my ride was or talked about the weather I was going to lock myself in the bathroom. I seriously dont play well with others.   Here's the kickers of the day (thus far). I am punching out and I see on the board, lunch confirmed friday-pizza-. OMG. I cant eat lunch in that breakroom friday. I am going to need to eat in the car. I am craving foods that I would have never eaten in my pre-band life. THEN... I come home from work to a kitchen smelling of chinese food. Hubby had to have it. I pouted while watching best life weightloss stories on Oprah while hubby sat 2 feet from me shoveling in the chinese food like its the best thing ever... no consideration for the fat girl next to him going thru a bad craving day. I got up and came up to my office, smelled my peppermint oil to get the scent of food from my nose and now here I am.   It's not even 6:30pm and I am already looking forward to the bed. I want a hot bubble bath (not allowed) and my pillow. I will settle for a hot shower and a cuddle with Spooky. Its kinda nice how Spooky seems to make everything better. I guess there is nothing better than a kitty hug.   So, today I felt a lot better than I have in a few days. I slept a lot this weekend and feel like I may be getting some strength back. My back is still killing me though. I swear they dropped me on the operating table..lol. My back never felt like this before and the pain is no where near the surgery site(s). Oh well. I'm going to give it some time and then I will look into a chiropractor or something.   The plow guy just finished our driveway... Carl (the hubby) is settling in for the night... I am now going to take my hot shower and R-E-L-A-X.
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

1
 

02/11/08

I started my day as usual.. running like a loon cuz I cant scrape myself from the warm, cozy bed but thats besides the point... I made my 2 scambled eggs w/my hunk of mozzarella cheese on the side. Thank god for the dog.. I could NOT finish my eggs :eek:. I had my beloved protein shake at my 930 break. It hit me like a ton of bricks.. I was FULL. Lunch was half of a turkey on wheat wrap... I made it with more lettuce than anything. I also had a yogurt. can we say FULL. At my 230 break I had my other protein shake and felt... whats the word I am looking for... FULL. I came home from work and finished my salad (leftover from yesterday) and I am FULL.:biggrin2: Full is not something I have felt before. Not without a lot of food being involved. I am so flippin excited about this whole fill thing. It almost motivated me to get off my ass and use my treadmill. I said ALMOST. Instead I am being a mouse-potato and comtemplating a long hot bath since I now have clearance to take one. I do have one side effect of the fill though. :wink2: I'm burping like a mo-fo. In the fat-club meetings, they said gas and burping repeatedly but in my first 5 weeks, I had nearly none of that stuff. Today..BURP. Every few minutes... BURP. While it doesnt bother me so much, I have very stuffy coworkers that are not so amused (BURP). Hell, atleast I wasnt farting. I am FINALLY starting to feel as if this has all been worth it and my mood is obviously improving a bit. I still hate my coworkers (most of them) but now I am starting to like myself just a smidge anyway.:thumbup: I am going to take the long awaited HOT bath and I am going to stay in there til I run out of hot water and wrinkle like a prune. OOOOOO. I almost forgot to mention that I went down a size in undies. I can almost buy hanes-her-way in a color other than white. Whoo-freakin-whooo. I have been so looking forward to the day I get to buy some pink panties!!!! Hell, in a few more months, I might be back to wearing thongs. I gave up thongs years ago after my enormous weight gain. While they were still comfy.. I couldnt bear to see the fat girl in thongs. Not attractive. Walmart has/had tummy control thongs. SERIOUSLY. why bother controlling the tummy when the booty is jiggling uncontrollably???
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

1
 

01/17/08

:lol:J had a salad... I had a salad... I had a salad:lol: Oh how I've missed my lettuce. I think once I have had my first fill I wont be hitting the lettuce. I've heard that some people can digest it but some cant. I hope I am one of the cans.   I've been having some select "real food" for dinner and I gotta say, I feel great. My mood has improved. The brain fog is gone. The desire to sleep 23.5 hours a day isnt as pressing. What can I say? I love to sleep.   I still havent replaced the battery in the scale or bought a new scale but my pants feel a bit looser today. I'm not too worried about the weight loss. Slower is better. I just want to be healthy again...
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

3
 

02/28/08

This has nothing to do with my band, I just need to get it out... I have a Chihuahua that I love. The hubby and I decide to start looking for a brother or sister for her. He knows someone giving away a Chihuahua at the end of march. In conversation with Mom, I mention the free dog and how we are excited to get her. Last night, she says "dad wants the dog." HUH? So today, I call Mom and she says Dad is excited about the dog. Again... HUH? I never once offered her the dog and now they want MY dog????:frown: I offered them Wiley and the neighbor got them a dog that they said no to and she is stuck with. So I am now conflicted. Do I give my parents the new dog? Do I tell them that we want the dog? I want to give them the dog but hubby wants to keep the dog (I also want to keep the dog). I have spent all night on petfinder, craigslist, shelter sites, you name it, I have been there seeking a dog for them. I am concerned that if I find them a dog I will be stuck with it like their neighbor. I have 3 cats and a dog and one dog on the way. I dont want 3 dogs. (Okay, I do but I gotta draw the line somewhere).   On a band note, I go for my 2nd fill on saturday. If it hurts like the 1st fill, I am so gonna punch Dr. F. in the chops.:party: I have been eating fine but not exercising and that is my downfall. I refuse to step on the scale but I feel like I am gaining not losing. I am a bit frustrated but I have no reason to be frustrated if I cant get my tub-o-lard self motivated enough to look at the treadmill much less use the damn thing.   I had a salad incedent last saturday... I ate too much too fast and felt like I was gonna die. When I over-eat, I get sleepy. I started to fall asleep but my chest felt like it was gonna rip open. I dont ever want to feel like that again. It was wild (in a bad way). I ate salad all week and have not had any adverse reactions to it. I love salad and I hope I can continue to eat it.   Okay, bitch session over.:tt2: I am stressed out but going to bed now. I hope I can relax enough to sleep. 4:30 comes way too early for my liking. Thanks for letting me vent... SIGH:leaving:
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

1
 

01/13/08

It's been a few days since I've been here to post. I havent been strong enough to lift myself to the desk nevermind type a coherent sentence. I made it thru thursday... I even drove myself home from work. Friday, I went to work. I am on the mashed tater stage so thats what I have for lunch. Now, I work for a doctors office, we get drug rep lunches weekly. I get to the break room and its Boston Market. Out of laziness I decide to eat those mashed taters instead of my own.. I figure instant is instant. Yeah, not so much. Those taters were heaven. By 12:30, I wanted to die. Now I'm already not feeling well and I go and eat catered fast food taters. Brilliant idea. NOT. I go out to my car to relax.. aka not puke. I get back to my desk at 1pm and silently wait for my boss to return at 1:30. I wussed out and went home. Now I dont know if the taters made me feel worse but something did me in. I get home and have my period 2 weeks early.. that may also play a small factor in my all-around ickiness.   So it's Friday night... hubby is out again with Tony, I am up from my nap flipping thru the tv for something to watch. Wouldnt ya know it.. I get caught up watching some food network show that may have been diners, drive-ins and dives... something to that effect. The first show is all BBQ. Not a fan so I watch cuz its interesting and I'm tired of channel surfing. The next show (kill me now) is all burgers. I like burgers but I dont LOVE burgers. Watching this show made me drool so bad. I'm the girl who goes to Red Robin or Texas Roadhouse and gets a salad. I could have killed for a burger after that show. I had some water.   I got up saturday, had b-fast then a cup of tea. Suprise suprise, I went back to bed. I got up had lunch and got dressed again. Went to the parental units with the husband and Spooky (he needed to get out of the house). My Mother is not the most lucid/coherent people on the planet. I told her that I'd lost 13 pounds so far and she said that my tummy was all wrinkley all ready. Okay, sure. When Mom started to cook dinner I vacated... she was making burgers. (see above).   Hubby and I took a trip to the local Wal-Mart.. got our shit and got out. Went back to Moms to get the cat and then went to Big Y. I got some yogurt and hubby got some junk food for himself. I must confess. I got cheese. Anyone who knows me knows that I have been DYING for cheese. I couldnt find what I really wanted so I got one of those bricks of mozzerella. Got home and had me 1oz of that for dinner. 30 minutes later, I cracked open a diet snapple raspberry iced tea and have been wide awake since. I forgot about the caffiene involved. My diet sheet says I can have diet snapple so I did. Damn it. lol. Now, I cant sleep. Thank good tomorrow is technically Sunday. I can sleep in once I can sleep.   I have decided that I truly have no support system. The support system that I thought I would have posted trash talk about me on another blog/lap band forum and I found it. Now I dont have use for that in my life but since she had the procedure done a few months ago, I have a zillion questions and would love to ask but I have no need to talk to her. The other person I know is the office manager for the physician side of work but only I know that she had it done and when she talks to me it's about her "friend". She is 2 years out and eats nothing but crap. Thats not much of an inspiration to me. When I asked if the tired icky feeling would get better she said "eventually." Yeah, no help. So I am on my own. My husband, who say his own nutritionist this week, went all day today without eating then polished off some chicken fingers and mac n cheese and something else. I think he knows better than to do that but he claims he doesnt want to eat infront of me. I think thats why he has been hanging out with tony so much.   Speaking of food and the hubby... he wakes up this morning, looks at me and says, "I'm sorry but I want the buffet." So I respond, "I'm sorry but so do I." I really think this is going to be a big issue in the upcoming months. I do not blame him for my fatness but he doesnt like to eat at home. If I cant/wont go out to eat all the time, it may cause problems. Everything we have ever done together has in some way revolved around food. We'd go run errands and the first question once in the car was where are we going to eat? Food has been the center point of everything for us. I hope he understands that I'm not playing that game any longer. I cant kill myself one cheese fry at a time. Under all this pale white fatness is a petite girl dying to get out. I have shut her up with chocolate for far too long.   Okay, I have rambled for far too long and I need water....
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

3
 

01/08/08 part 2 the oh crap moment

So... how is everyone? I took a nap. Goal number 1 failed. Then I had some kind of freak mental Britney breakdown. Shit you not. I woke from my nappy-nap, and went all kinds of freak out. I was going thru food withdrawal. I have never felt such discomfort. I can only imagine that this is what a detoxing drug addict feels like. I was crying, sweaty, leg cramps, dizzy, and just not me. I had to EAT.   I wobbled down to the kitchen and made me 1 scrambled egg. No milk no butter, nothing but egg and salt n pepper. It took me forever to eat it and it was sooooo good. I felt better in an instant. I also felt worse since I then felt like a failure to the 10th power.   I have been staring at this computer for about an hour now just reading other peoples tales of "cheating". I dont think I did so bad as compared to some. Every Dr.'s plan of action seems different though. I have liquids til day 9 then I get yogurt.. etc, Day 17 brings todays egg, cheese and taters. Day 32 resumes soft solids/solid solids.   So, I am not done beating myself up but I will do better tomorrow. I am only human and right now, I fell off the wagon a bit. SIGH
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

1
 

01/15/08

Get this--- the hubby and I just got in to our first actual argument about food. I truly believe that this is the first of many. I am 11 days out of surgery and still fighting the food addiction and lack of food while on this liquid portion, not to mention the insane cravings for things that I never would have cared to eat pre-band. Hubby text messages me from across the house to let me know that my pudding is ready. I let him know that I'll be down to get it later. He comes upstairs to inquire what my damage is... to which I respond, I'll be down in a few. He then announces that dinner is downstairs and he wants me to eat next to him. Already an emotional nightmare, I blurt out "I cant be around you and your food" (said while crying). Which sparks the guilt trip of how bad I am making him feel and how he feels he cant have anything to eat and I dont know how he feels... (flip bitch-switch now):eek:. I let him know that he has no idea how I feel and how much trouble I am having handling this whole thing. It hasnt even been 2 weeks... blah, blah, blah.   So the dog and I go sit with him on the couch. The dog is acting up and I am not interested in his TV selection so I get up to bring the dog to her crate and he wigs out again... now he wants me to sit and watch some auto-auction on tv that is a snooze fest for me. It's odd, whenever I want to spend time with him, he runs off to Tony's or wherever. Now that he is being needy and I'm now used to doing things on my own around here, he's flipping out. I dont know what to do. He's been snappy all day....   I came home from work and let him know that one of the nurses at work has a friend that had lap band and felt the same way I do but now she's a hot mama and doing great and Margie gave me her number to talk with her to help get me thru this. He flipped. He wants his sister to be my support person but I think he has forgotten her words of wisdom regarding her "horror-in-law" and how much she didnt want to go to meetings together, didnt want to help me or want my help... etc. So when I reminded him of this, he got mad again. Either he is having one hell of a bad day and I am just in the way or he's really upset with me. Either way, I think this is just the first of many food related arguments.   Other than that.. another day, another $1 made. Actually worked from 8-5 today. OOOH. I must have gotten some testicular fortitude at some point today... I called the Dr.s office and booked my first fill appointment. The nurse person I have to deal with is such a bitch. I hate calling there. She treats you like a 2 year old, she's mean and just nasty. Yes, I fear her. I'm not a confrontational person and this woman makes me want to slap her and run. So my first fill is Feb 11th. I cant wait.. maybe that will help with the hunger issues and hopefully by then I wont have such bad cravings as I will be back on real food. (Today, I want lettuce so bad).   All in all, things are getting better. 2 of the 5 steri-strips have fallen off. I am still so itchy from the adhesive on them. One of the doctors at work and one of the NP's have told me to take them off but no way. I will let them fall off as instructed. Besides, if my skins rots off, that is weight lost.   Speaking of weight lost, I got on the scale this morning... it said 98 pounds. Not 198 but 98. HAHAHA. I'm rather bloated for weighing in at 98 pounds. I'm thinking new battery or maybe new scale. I dont ever want to be 98 pounds. Anorexia is not a fashion statement.   I am going for a hot shower, and my pillow. Hopefully I can sleep tonight. As tired as I was last night, I did not sleep well....
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

2
 

01/16/08

Today was a good day. No One bugged me. Ate lunch in peace. Hubby made dinner without the side of guilt.   They should all be like this.
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

1
 

01/05/08

:clap2: I'm BANDED. I'm HOME. So... we get to the hospital. On time. The Doctor is running late. No big suprise there. The waiting area is filled with little whinny kids. The nurses/staff people actually asked the family to go home and leave one adult there. They said NO. I guess its their perogotive but wow those kids were rough.   I finally get to the pre-op meet-n-greet stage. Dr. F walks in and no lie, says "I forgot about you." Now, this man has NO sense of humor so I didnt know how to take that. I cant understand the anesthesiolgist at all. I am asked if I mind if a drug rep watches my surgery.. hey whatever, scrub up and lend a hand.   I wake up in recovery. No Dr. F saying we didnt finish so thats good. I think I did ask if I was banded. I get brought to my suite... a closet with a curtian. I have a roomate who is mid to late 70's. Her bladder fell out of her 7 years ago and she just got around to fixing that. I'm thinking thats an issue. If my bladder prolapsed I wouldnt deal with it for 7 minutes nevermind 7 years. This lady had the nerve to bitch at me for falling asleep before she could say goodnight to me. I learned more about her and her family than one person needs to know.   Dinner last night was broth, jello and tea. I had a few sips of broth and some jello. I had jello around midnight. Breakfast was jello and broth and instant breakfast. It felt good to only have a little and then to be full. I have had some jello periodically today.   I am sore. I am shuffling around and feel like Ozzy Osborne on his mtv show. I am up and walking around, freshly showered and feel like I'm gonna make it. Liquid percocet is some fun stuff. I dont have a recliner but I have a comfy couch. I prefer to sleep on my side but that is not an option. My husband is doing well too. He went to walmart to get me some stuff. He assisted with the shower and dressing me. I dont know if he has eaten but I'm sure he has. He doesnt want to eat in front of me but I'm not concerned.   I feel like I am having a drug-induced incoherent rambling moment so I will wrap it up by saying. WHOOHOO. I'm on my way to skinny-bitchdom. HAHAHAHA :faint:
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

1
 

Jan 2, 2008

Journey? Why the drama? It wasnt a "journey" to fatness... it was an adventure revolving around food. So I am on a JOURNEY to lose weight. Oh what-the-f-ever. I have one more loooong day at work til Friday. I am really getting tired of the questions.. "whens your BIG day?." "Are you excited?" Okay, enough already we went thru this in November when I had to have a fatty liver and a doctor who wussed out and didnt finish the surgery. Friday's the day, YES, I am excited. What do they want me to say??? I'm scared shitless? Well guess what? I am. I am a food addict going to rehab the hard way. I grew up watching family members smoke, drink, do drugs and I swore I would never be addicted like that. Oh shit. I'm addicted to food. My lungs arent black, my liver has no cirrohsis, my brain cells are intact (for the most part) but dammit, I now weigh 225 pounds.   I went thru my clothing on New Years Day. I have pants/shorts from a 22 to an 8. Okay, the 8's still have the tag on them but obviously I must have thought that I'd wear them someday. How does one go from 168 to 240 in 5 years? Holy crap. So, being the pack-rat that I am, I have clothes to downsize in to after Friday. Some of them I cant wait to wear again, some of them I cant wait to wear for the first time. I have bikini's that are just calling my name. I dont know if I will wear them this summer or next but I WILL WEAR THEM. I might even wear them in public... heheehee. Right now, I will not get my thunderchunk ass in a bathing suit. I think what I most look forward to is getting rid of the granny panties and wearing cute undies again. Why dont the hanes-her-way people make attractive undies for us big girls? Once ya hit a size 8 undie, why do they only come in white? After a zillion trips thru the washer with all the other clothes, they are an attractive shade of grunge. One would think that big girl's would want nice undies to attempt to feel good. Think about it... we are big, we wake up and shower washing our excess fat lumps. Dry off, indulge in some self-lothing then put on a grungy looking pair of granny panties.. WHOA.. way to feel sexy.   Maybe I will make affordable and yet NICE undies for big girls....
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

3
 

01/04/08-the DAY

I am on my way to the hospital in a few minutes. I weighed in today at a whopping 229. I am ready to do this. I am not looking forward to staying at the hospital overnight. 23 hour day stay. YUCK. I hate Baystate's beds. Last time, I got to go home to my comfy couch. I am looking forward to that. OKAY... fingers crossed, prayer said. I am outta here for now. I hope to return a banded woman!
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

1
 

01/07/08

I feel sick. Okay so it's just day 3 post-op. I'm sure I'm not supposed to feel great but I cant pinpoint whats up here. I cant tell if I am hungry, full, queasy. I dunno. My day started out fine. I slept on my side for a bit.. heaven. Then I got up, took a nice hot shower, got dressed, had some jello, made some tea. Spilled the tea all over me and Spooky and the desk and the floor and the chair.. etc. I changed clothes, cleaned the best I could then decided I have gas. Went to ingest a gas-x strip and dropped it. It immediately began to disolve so I now have a pink spot on the floor.   I went back to bed.   My treadmill has made its way from the basement to the dining room. I hope to get on that tomorrow. Slowly but still moving. My husband is attempting to cook himself some dinner. Thats kinda funny. He has trouble with mac n cheese. I'm sure he'll be fine. I'd help but I dont want to be around food I cant have. I feel like crap anyway.   No witty words of wise-assdom from me today. I'm just in the "why did I do this to myself" stage of being. As I told my mom, by day 5 or 7 I will feel better. I hope she believes me and I hope I believe it too.
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

1
 

Jan 1, 2008

It is an official new year. whoohoo. Today, Carl and I went thru all of my old clothes. I am preparing for a new me. That sounds just so cliche. I am nervous, scared, anxious and more than ready for friday. I am sooo going to miss food. I hope to replace food with exercise. The thought scares me but I need to do this or I will die. Die. DieT. Too close for comfort. I will either die of medical problems or die from depression.. which is a medical problem but.... whatever. I cant wait to be a skinny bitch. lol. So many find that statement offensive. I guess I cant explain what it really means to me but it has no bad connotations at all.   I hope this year will be better than last year. I hope to come back out of my shell or atleast crawl out from under my rock a bit more. It just seems that the fat me doesnt want to do anything but sleep. I hope the smaller me want to go out and see the world. I am tired of being reclusive and anti-social. I hate people but thats because of how they have treated me. The collective "they" have ruined things for so many. They are done ruining things for me. I'm tired of being treated like crap cuz I am fat. I dont treat others badly because of how they look. Some people are just ignorant fools and dont deserve my kindness yet, they get it anyway.   My biggest frustrations lately are from others who are soooo critical of me and my desire to have the lap band. These are people who dont know what its like to be me. I must show a positive side of myself because no one seems to really know how miserable and sad I am. There is one girl at work who is getting pudgy but is still a stick. She is the one person I had hoped would be a support person to me and she is soooo damn critical of me and the whole thing. She keeps telling me just to lose it on my own. Yeah, like thats so easy. I lose 1 pound and gain 2 back. Whoops.. failed again, 2 more points deducted from my self-esteem. My sister-in-law was to have been a support system too but boy did she screw that one up. I have never felt too close to her and that has kinda bothered me. I was really hoping this shared experience would bring us closer together. Instead it has ripped us apart and is causing problems in my marriage. The marriage thing can be fixed. The whole thing with her... who knows. Right now, I dont want o see her at all. She claims what she said was just "words." She of all people should know that words are really what hurts the most. Wounds heal.. words stay with you forever. My brother is against this whole thing too but he has not taken the time to talk to me avout it. Shit, he thinks I am going bypass. I truly dont have time in my life to deal with negative people.   My mother says to me the other day.. "you are going to be so pretty when you lose the weight." So, being me, I ask if I am ugly now. My mother tried to remover her foot from her mouth to tell me that I am pretty now but... If she wasnt old and well, old, I would have told her what I was thinking at that moment. Which was, "way to bring me down mom." She had good intentions with her statement but it still bothers me (obviously).   My husband has been good thru all of this. He has been acting up lately though. He doesnt see that his behavior is killing me. The attitude coming from him is sooo hard to deal with right now. He doesnt realize he is behaving badly. He need to chill. I actually feel like my banding process may affect our relationship in more ways that just what is going on with his sister. He is so all about food. The second we leave the house, he is all about where are we going to eat?!. Its hard for me cuz I hate cooking so I just go eat with him and heaven forbid I make a good food decision. I dont think he is going to handle the food changes well. I hope I can resist that overwhelming temptation to go out to eat all the time.   I think I may be done venting/rambling. Friday is going to be here before I know it. I am scared. I will do this. I will be fine. I will be a skinny bitch. I will leave the house. I will take care of myself. I will say F.U. to all the ney-sayers. I will not cry. I will not fail again. I will not let myself down yet again.
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

2
 

01/06/08

I feel great. Well, as great as I think I could right now. My Tummy isnt the issue.. its the damn gas pains in my back and neck. Thank god for gas-x. I just took a nap in my bed. It felt awesome. I dont have a recliner and wasnt going to buy one just for this. I should have. I have been resting/sleeping in a pillow propped corner of the couch with my feet on the ottoman. Comfy? Yep, but.. that position made my back ache. I'm a side sleeper but thats gonna wait.   I dont know if I have mentioned my family or if anyone reading this cares. After all, these ramblings are for me not anyone else. I have 3 cats and a dog. The cats are often refered to as my kids and that confuses those who dont know that I am a crazy cat lady. There is Spooky, my greatest love of all time, Rocky, the BIG man, and Martini, aka, Tini.. she's just little. The dog. The dog is a PSYCHO chihuahua. I love her but here is the dillemma....   She is crate trained and seems to not mind it. With me out of commission as cheif playground, I need to keep her off me. Wiley (the dog) is 8 pounds of chaos. She did really well in obedience classes until we'd get home. She is a mile-a-minute kind of dog. With the remains of the snow outside she isnt going out and running.. she is running inside. Thats fine but her favorite spot to bounce off is my tummy. So, I get the brilliant idea to get 2 baby gates and lock her up in the kitchen. Worked for roughly 10 minutes before she was up and over the gates. So then we decide to raise the gates just a smidge so she cant get under them. I never knew a dog could go so flat so fast and pounce. I dont quite know what to do now. I cant give her free roam due to her poop/pee issues. I feel bad keeping her in her crate. With me like this, I cant bend well enough to open her crate to let her out either.. SIGH.   My Dad stopped by today. I was watching diet fads on E while he was here. He got to see the tiny snippet about the band. His question to me was "when will all this pain and crap make it worth it?" I told him that it was worth it yesterday and will be worth it everyday of my life.   Andrea called me while eating lasagna. Its really amusing that people freak out about eating around me. She is in Rhode Island, I am here. Not even close. Carl (the husband) has been eating too. Yesterday the poor guy damn near had tears in his eyes about not wanting to eat infront of me. It's okay. The chinese food smelled good but I didnt want it. The only craving I am having is for cheese. Odd, yes. I wont indulge my craving. I will have some jello and some protien shake though....:whoo:
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

1
 

01/03/08

Seriously, I just KICKED the top stair on my staircase. I am sitting here with ice on my damn toe thinking thoughts that are a bit more crude than OUCH.   Today was a loooong freakin day. I wasnt even thru the door at work, my time card not even swiped yet when it began... "Tomorrow:bounce:are you excited???" I give up. Then our computers go down at 7:05 am. So, I clean out my desk and bring my uneaten and not liked protein bars to a coworker 3 offices away and get stuck for 40 minutes or so explaining the lap band and how it isnt the gastric bypass. I am explaining this to 2 skinny chicks that I'd really just rather kick. The day drags on and then its lunchtime. It begins again. One full hour of not being able to enjoy my last salad and orange for a long while. Now, I know that this is all my own fault. If I had kept to my plan of not saying anything to anyone, I wouldnt have to defend/explain myself daily. But, I have a big yap. Besides, after the failed attempt at banding in November, everyone knew. So, after 5 million hugs and pats on the back, I got to go home. I am 14 hours away from sliding in to the hospital and 15.5 hours away from la-la land as the doctors once again attempt to band my stomach.   Now if only we could band my rampant thoughts. I have come to realize that no matter how much weight I lose, I will always be the fat girl. I have the "good personality." Someone told me that today... "you have such a good personality." Screw you. I developed this so called good personality because I was fat. I have told my husband that I am so tired of being nice to people. Especially people who dont deserve nice.   There is this one person in my life that is driving me insane. She downs me daily for doing this yet she bitches constantly about the weight she has gained and how she cant lose it... blah, blah, blah. Serious verbal diarrhea from her. I consider the source but I just want to yell BACK OFF BITCH. I dont. I am NICE. I may stop being nice someday but for now, I suck it up. I'd like to think that she is experiencing jealousy but I dunno.   Jealousy is an odd thing. Today, (everyone had words of wisdom) I was told that I will know when I have acheived success because other women will be rude to me. I'm thinking other women are already rude to me. Only now I hear fat bitch and later I will hear skinny bitch. Whatever.   I am off to eat my last ever kit kat as I have convinced myself that I can never have another one. That's not such a bad mind game to play with myself...
Gailypooh1

Gailypooh1

1
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