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About this blog

This is what I go through, think, feel, and think I know...

Entries in this blog

 

I?m sorry baby, but i just don?t want you anymore. It?s not you ? it?s me

I am soooo close!!! I’m sitting here, and sometimes standing over there and I am staring right at it! I mean I can almost touch it… it’s mocking me. It’s saying, “If you want me come get me. “ I want it. I mean I want it sooo bad that I can really feel it. It knows this – that I want it. It also knows that this want though extremely strong is also fleeting. Once I get it, I won’t want it anymore. In this aspect I am just like a man. As long as there is a chase (a hunt) for it, then I will pursue it with all my might. But once I get it, once I truly know that I possess it, I will no longer be satisfied with it. I will be about the business of moving on to better things. But right now, I am standing on the cusp, my toes are gripping the edge and I am reaching for it with all my might. I will get it. I will not turn back, I will not regroup. I am going to lunge for it if necessary and then fight like hell to hold on to it until I am sure that it is firmly in my grasp. Two hundred and forty…. I’m sorry baby, but I just don’t want you anymore. It’s not you – it’s me. We were good for a while, but now it’s time for me to move on. Trust me; I am only making room for someone else to move in here. This is just how it is, and you’re going to have to accept it. I don’t want to hurt you, but I have to do what’s best for me and right now what’s best for me is to move into the Two Hundred and Thirty Something block. I won’t miss you, but I am sure that I will remember you fondly –or not. Please don’t try to contact me because although I have no ill feelings towards you, should we ever meet again I will not be happy to see you (unless I get pregnant sometime soon and that is unlikely). If we don’t talk again, before I leave you, I just want to say, “Good-bye and thank you. You were just what I needed, when I needed you and for that I will always be grateful." The Diva
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6
 

A New Fill - A New Resolve

Yesterday was a fill day. I am going to make this my last fill. This is the fill that will get me to Onderland. I weighed in this morning at 232.8 and I know for a fact that my scale is two pounds off so I am actually 230.8. So this fill has to help me lose at least 31.8 pounds. My goal was to be in Onderland by July 4, 2010. That’s 10 lbs a month including this month. I really tried to be 220-something by March 24, 2010 (my two year bandiversary). Well, obviously I was not successful with that. That’s okay though. I still have my main goal and I am still determined to get there. I am kicking up my physical activity. Every day I have to do something (walk, exercise video, clean up, cut the grass, play Wii – I don’t care… as long as it’s something). I want to join the gym, but I’m waiting for EKG results. Since my blood work and chest x-rays came back great I am almost sure that my EKG results will allow me to begin working out. I really just want to be able to master the elliptical machine; use the abductor and inductor equipment; and use some sort of arm machine to try to tighten up my flabby upper arms. I’m praying that the elliptical machine will not only help me build cardio strength, but will also lift my sagging thighs. I love losing weight, but I hate that I allowed myself to get so fat that my skin is loose. I saw a woman at the hospital the other day. She was wearing short sleeves and her arms led me to believe that she has lost quite a bit of weight. Her skin was loose and covered with shrunken stretch marks. But she was wearing those short sleeves with confidence. Who could blame her, aside from her arms, she looked great (fully covered in her shirt and long pants) but great. So, I’m increasing my activity so that even if I end up with “loose meat” I can still look decent in clothes. I’m also doing it because I’ve had a few weird episodes of chest pains and burning sensations from my jaw line down to my chest. That’s why I had all those tests done. Heart disease runs in my family. I need to everything I can to avoid any kind of heart disease. So this morning I am drinking my protein shake – very slowly because I am very tight. Usually after a band it is recommended that I do liquids for 24 hours. I think I may do 48 hours. We’ll see it may be longer, I really am tight. All I can do is sip. But that’s the norm for me right after a fill. Anything more and I’m asking for trouble. So I’ll be checking in later to record how I’m doing.
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3
 

Right Now... Honesty Sucks!!!

It’s possible that no man will ever see me naked again. I have been celibate for seven years now. This is by choice, but now I think I am stuck. Seven years is a long time – those youthful years are gone and I won’t get them back. In that time I let myself balloon into a 332 blob of fat. Then in March 2008 I got the band. I lost 99 pounds – but had major surgery this summer and gained 27 lb back:scared2::blushing:. Hopefully that will go away as soon as I start moving again. Although I look fairly decent in clothes, I know what I look like naked and I can’t see anyone wanting to be with that. Plastic surgery will cost me a fortune but I think I’d better start saving because between the flab, loose skin, stretch marks, and my c- section belly pouch – I am a sexual nightmare. It’s a shame because I am pretty and clothed I can look quite sexy at times (I hope this doesn’t come off as conceited). I just don’t think that a man would go from she looks hot in clothes to she looks like a flabby hag naked and be happy. I need an awesome plastic surgeon and a top of the line successful shrink – just writing this has put me in a funky/dismal mood. So .... My surgery didn't go smoothly, my recovery has been rough... but I am back. I am losing those 27 and then some. I can safely lose 1 – 2 lb per week. That means that by the end of next June I can safely lose between 40 – 80 lb (I didn’t count any 5th weeks in a month – there should be at least one between now and then – I am pretty sure there are two). I’m shooting for closer to the 80lb marker than the 40 lb one. I’m done dwelling on those 27 lb (at least for right now I am). I am going to focus on 1 – 2 lbs per week – if the first 27 comes off quicker that that – well then Halleluiah!!! If they don’t – then I am good – and Halleluiah anyway. I still may need that shrink…
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7
 

Monday, April 27, 2009

This morning I weighed in .25 lb heavier. I can’t even say that I’m upset. I mean it’s that time (sorry guys) and I usually gain then. I did not sit on my butt this past weekend so I’m ok. Of course if I don’t see some weight loss next Monday, I won’t be so chipper about it. I have yet to exercise, but I have been doing lots of house work. I just moved into my new home and I have so much work to do! I hate it, but it’s a necessary evil. Today I am going out into the yard and pick up sticks, branches, rocks, left over pipes and pieces of cement, scraps of roofing material – most of the stuff I thought the contractors should have cleaned up after they finish building a house). I need to cut my grass (for the first time this season). The grass is high now, but I won’t have my lawn mower until tomorrow. I hope I don’t run into any snakes. If I do, then I will certainly be getting some exercise then!!! J This fat chick will be hustling out of that grass so fast, you’d think Florence Griffith Joyner (FloJo) had come back to run through my yard rather than just plain ole me:lol:. My restriction is funky. I’m not really sure what’s going on with my band. Some days I can eat whatever and then other days I can’t eat anything. Then of course there are the times that only crap like a Snicker bar will go down and stay there. The last time I went in for a fill, I had to have it taken right back out. My doctor told me that I shouldn’t get another fill until I had lost about 25 lbs more. I think I’m five lbs away from that goal. I’m not sure but I think I was around 265 then. Well, I still have PBs, sometimes if I drink too fast and sometimes if I don’t chew properly I guess. I am well aware of my band at all times. I hate not being sure if I am going to be able to keep down the glass of water that I’m drinking. Of course I have not been back to the doctor since then – that was in October 2008 – I think – yeah that’s when it was – or was it late September? Well anyway…this week I got a letter from my surgeon’s office saying that I am due in for a check up. I made an appointment for May 5th. Who knows, maybe by then I’ll have lost 4.75 lbs to make that 25 lb goal, but I’m not looking to get a fill. In fact, I may ask him to check to make sure my band has not slipped. I really don’t want to know if it has, because I am not willing to give it up or be unfilled. I just don’t want anymore of a fill right now. In fact I don’t want one until I get to a point where I can drink a glass of water whenever I want (I know I cannot drink while eating) without the fear of having it come right back up. I think there is something wrong with the way I eat and drink though. For some reason I take in a lot of air which causes burping. (My doctor says the burping comes from eating too fast, but sometimes I burp even when I eat slowly). I’m always going to look at the before and after pictures forum, for inspiration. I look at those pictures and I tell myself that I can do this too. At first I was kicking myself for not losing as fast as others, but now not so much. I just want to do and be my best. I try really hard not to compare my journey to someone else’s – that’s always an easy task, but I’m working on it. So, usually I look at successful people’s photos and I feel hope and encouraged. Sometimes I need that. Sometimes I think, “I’ve lost 69 lbs and I’m still FAT!!!” But when I look back at some of my own before pictures, I realize that I lost a lot more than 69 lbs and although I am not thin, I am on my way to becoming the best me that I can be. Now THAT pumps me up!!!! (now if I could only get my living room cleared and my Wii hooked up…)
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1
 

Ready or Not, Here I Come!!!!!

Well here I am. Back in the 230’s and would you know I am not happy? Heck I was 233 last June. I am 236-8 now. I’ve recently been as low as 234, but can’t seem to stay there. I am coming up on my two year bandiversary. I thought that by now I would be much smaller. I had major surgery last June and it took a lot out of me physically because my recovery was long, painful, and hard. I’m glad that I did it though. I am so much better off than I was before. I can move around and I don’t need any apparatus. When I sit down, I’m not spending all of my time trying to figure out how I can gracefully get back up out of the chair. So though that road was tough and I gained 33 pounds. I am better, stronger, and happier. I wish I was at least back to 233lbs, but I know I will get there. My bandiversary is March 24, 2010. I promise me that I will be in the 220’s by then. I don’t care if it’s just 229.5 – as long as that scale does not register anything above that. Of course if it says anything from 225 down, I’m gonna hafta buy myself a sundress! Of course that means I’d better start working a whole lot harder on getting rid of this arm flab; but everything comes with a cost. Fellow banders, I am back with a vengeance! I just checked out TMG333’s pictures – check her out – she looks fabulous! I want to post pictures that look like that. I can be obnoxiously competitive sometimes – but I have to give her props. She looks great. I wish that I looked that good after losing 100 lbs, but I was quite heavy when I started. At my heaviest I was about 340 – 350. I can hardly believe that myself, but it’s true. It’s time to post more pictures. I want to see for myself if I have made visible progress. I also want to have record of the 230’s because once I get into those 220’s it’s all downhill from there (not effort – just my numbers J). Two-hundred twenty something pounds – GET READY BABY because I am coming through. I don’t plan to stay for long, but I do plan on celebrating my being there! Wooo Hoooo for me!!!!!
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2
 

On Respecting My Band...

I have got to learn to respect my band. Yesterday I could not keep anything down. I mean nothing (not even water!!!) well I was able to keep a Butterfinger candy bar down:blushing:, but dammit I was hungry!!! The night before I threw up and I think it was because I didn’t properly chew up a few brussel sprouts. When it can back up there were a few whole leaves in there. I should have known at that point that I would need to take it easy for a day, but not me. Sometimes I’m a pig :eek: – but this is why I needed the band in the first place. Apparently I have not learned. I tried to eat a piece of cake for breakfast – yes I said that… I am ashamed, but I figured it would go down and stay since most things that we aren’t supposed to eat do just that. Well it did go down, but I stopped after about four spoonfuls. It wasn’t going down smoothly and heck I don’t need to eat cake for breakfast anyway. Maybe I’ll do liquids for the rest of the day – my stomach needs a break. Besides, I’ve been on spring break – and I have gained about two pounds – so much for that…. I need to get those 2 pounds off. When I go to weigh in on Monday I do NOT want to see 250 – anything. I need to see 249 or lower!!!! Well saying that means nothing without the right actions to get me there. So my new goal is to truly respect the fact that I have this band. It was my decision. Nobody forced me to do it, in fact of the few people who knew I was contemplating getting it, most tried to discourage me. I am down 64 pounds, but I was banded over a year ago (March 24, 2008). I’ve got to do better. I’ve got to exercise. The band cannot do all the work. I have to do my share. I need my hip replaced and have arthritis and bone spurs in both knees, but I can still do something. I have basically done nothing. I’ve used my joint problems as an excuse, a crutch. But I can move… I can walk, I can move my arms. I can even do Leslie Sansone 1 mile walk DVD at my own pace – which I am sure would pick up if I just did it on a consistent basis:bananapowerslide:. NO MORE EXCUSES AND EMPTY PROMISES!!!!! I’m trying for hip replacement this summer. I want to drop 25 lbs between now (Saturday, April 18, 2009) and June 18, 2009. I know it’s a lofty goal. I will settle for 20 pounds. Look out Wii Fit:boxing_smiley:… We’re about to embark on a serious quest!!!!!!
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5
 

In Need of a Nap and Other Stuff...

I am so tired I could just lay down here at my desk and go to sleep right now:blink:. My energy level is at an all time low. Today is Friday; I have until Monday to be on all liquids. I hope I make it that long. I'm taking my vitamins. I do a B12 and a tablespoon of liquid centum every morning. Should I be doing more? I may need to double that dose today because I am really whipped. I have to attend a housewarming luncheon tomorrow. I am so not looking forward to that. Everybody around me will be eating lasagna and I will be dreaming of the day I can eat mashed potatoes:drool:. I have decided to buy another Magic Bullet, since the first one I purchased disappeared during my move. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I intend to puree some spaghetti sauce and eat it. I don't care if I can only hold two tablespoons. I'm going to makes those two tablespoons last the length of the meal my daughter will be eating. I'm thinking that would rather puree lots of meats than to eat a lot of mashed potatoes. That just sounds like a good way to gain weight if you ask me. Come hell or high water I want to lose 20 - 30 lb in my first four weeks. I can't do that eating mashed potatoes. So I will be eating pureed meats and veggies, and no sugar added pudding. My daughter and I went for our first walk in our new neighborhood. We got three quarters of the way down the block before I saw a dog headed towards us. My daughter is terrified of dogs. She has really not been exposed to them because she is allergic to them. Anyway, I turn us around before she could see the dog. Every time I looked back I saw the dog still coming. A Little girl kept calling the dog, but it wouldn't listen. She finally hopped on her back and raced after the dog. She caught up to him as he caught up to us. My daughter immediately went into fright flight:scared2:. I had to hold her in a vise grip behind me. I felt so helpless. All I could do was keep me in between the dog and my baby. All I kept thinking was, "Damn I just had surgery, what can I do?" The little girl called the dog and I scream, "GO!:cursing:" at him. The punk bastard actually shrunk back at the sound of my voice. I was pissed. If I had a stick, or better yet, a baseball bat, I would have bashed his head in. I love animals, always have. I am a sucker for a stray, but NOBODY and NOTHING messes with my baby. She kept trying to get away from me and I was terrified that if she broke free she would run. Of course then the dog would really attack her is she ran. So there we are in the middle of the street, me twisting around to keep her behind me and the dog in front of me. The little girl on the bike calling her dog. Thankfully, the dog turned for home after I screamed at him. The little girl got in between us and rode home yelling back repeatedly, "I'm sorry!" Next time we walk we're going to the school down the street :thumbup: and walk its track.
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5
 

One Week and One Day

That's how long I have been banded. I am at work right now. I am so tired I could throw a temper tantrum. I'm a little dizzy and in a little pain:crying:. I just took some liquid Tylenol - a single dose to help me get through this day. I get off work at 3:35. It's 11:40 right now. As soon as I can I'm putting my head on my desk and sneaking a nap. Think I may start taking my liquid vitamins twice a day until I get back on track. I think I'm supposed to be doing that anyway. The liquid diet is still ok. Of course I get those moments when I want to put something chewable in my mouth, but I just remind myself that I am not really hungry and more importantly, I did not put my body through this just to fail. I'd better succeed just to justify the scars on my once perfect stomach! I have lost one steri-strip. When I bath I do not face the shower head and I have tried to barely get my stomach wet. In fact I clean my stomach with an alcohol wipe or two. I like that because it also helps with the itchy skin that the steri-strips cause.   Oh! - A co-worker asked me if I was losing weight!!!! YEA!!!!!! I have only lost 10 pounds since surgery and I'm sure that 's not really noticeable on a person my size, but I will take any kind of victory can get. I need all the motivation I can handle right now.   Now if only I could figure out how to post my weight loss ticker and find a rarely used bathroom in this place - I'm gonna need a little privacy:embaressed_smile:...
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1
 

Is This a Sign or What?

Maybe I shouldn't be getting the band. I have a surgery date of March 20, 2008. My information was sent to the insurance company on Dec. 5, 2007. After a month :wink: of reviewing they said I need two more clearances - cardiac and pulmonary. Ok, that makes sense. I get those. My last appointment was on Feb 13, 2008. On Feb 22, 2008 I call the surgeon to make sure they have everything, and its a good thing I did because they don't have the pulomonology clearance. I call the pulmonologist - my clearance letter has not been typed yet:cursing: - nobody knows why:angry: :thumbup:. "Don't worry," they say, "we'll take care of it today". They do. The Surgery scheduler, Natasha, sends those off to the insurance company. Today, March 6, 2008 I call the insurance company to find out what is holding up my approval. I have been online checking everyday. I know that another woman's surgery was approved and our stuff was sent on the same day. What did they say:confused2:? "We are still waiting for your pulmonogy and cardiac clearance"!!!!!!!:cool2: So of course I call Natasha - she is out for the day:scared2:. The person I spoke with cannot find either of my clearance letters!!!!! I'm sitting at my desk, but I am screaming. I'M SCREAMING ON THE INSIDE. I AM SOOOOOOOOOO ssssccccrrrreeeeaaaaming!!!!!!!!!
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1
 

It takes Patience and Fortitude

My paperwork was submitted on December 5th. It took over a month for them to say, "We need more information." To be specific, they want cardiac and pulmonary clearance. I almost immediately set up an appointment with a cardiologist. I'm glad I went to see him. It was very kind, yet straightforward. Apparently my fist sized heart has been working over time pumping blood through my Mac truck sized body. My left ventricle is slightly enlarged. No need for panic or alarm - just the realization that I do in fact HAVE to lose weight. I mean my knee, hip, and back pain are tiresome and can bring my spirits way down when its bad (and it can get really bad) but the thought of me having heart problems on any level is frightening. I have a five year child. Heart disease runs in my family. I have to do better. I have to start making better food choices right now. Its not fair for me to risk not being here because I like food. I like food, I really do, but I love my child. So I am going to start a food journal. Not here - I'm not on here enough for that to be effective. I would like to start tomorrow, but I think I should start today. If I ate an extra thick peanut butter and jelly sandwich for breakfast - which I did - I ought to own up to it and write it down. So yea, i will start today. Now to get my pulmonolgist clearance. I can't seen to get an appointment before Feb. 22nd. That's not good because I want to have surgery on March 21st which is Good Friday and the first day of Spring Break. So I have taken to phone stalking the pulmonologist's office. I have called three days in a row. Once to make the appointment. Yesterday to get an earlier date (no luck), and today to try to get an earlier date (got the answering service instead). So of course I will be calling back again today - before 12 noon because then they will close for one hour for lunch. Hey they've got to eat too. I hope they don't get disgusted with me. It seems that I have such a long wait because this doctor works with lung cancer patients and for some reason this region gets more than its share of lung cancer patients. SO when I think about it - my case really isn't all that important - somebody else is a battle for their life. I am too, but it just doesn't feel like my case is as urgent. Let's pray that I don't have a heart attack. I'm serious. Well, I guess I need to try to get some work done. I also need to be dialing that pulmonogist's office again. Later.
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1
 

5/20/08 The Day After the Seond Fill!!!

WARNING – this might get gross and will definitely be long….:thumbdown: Be very careful of what you ask for – you just might get it. My goodness, I just posted that that yesterday and already I have been blasted twice. Here’s the real kicker – I wanted restriction – oh boy do I have restriction. I may be too tight. I have no clue how to determine this. Yesterday I got 2ccs added to my band. That makes for a total of 5cc in a 14cc band. My surgeon said, “If this doesn’t do the trick, the next one definitely will.” Yesterday was horrible. I was hungry – I forgot to eat before I got my fill – actually I forgot that I could not eat for three hours before my fill. I tried to sip water on the way home – it was not going down smoothly at all. I called and left a message at the surgeon’s office. I got home, made some cream of chicken soup, but decided to wait until after I cut the grass to eat it. So I cut the grass, took a show and sat down to savor my soup – WRONG!!!! First of all I stupidly took an orso (sp?) pill (for gall stones). I did not crush it – I bit it into pieces. I also took a pill to keep me from throwing up – but I got that right after surgery so I though it was tiny enough to not have to bite. Well let’s just say that soup was not going down smoothly. AND it tasted like cream of chicken and pill soup. I eventually gave up on that – the lump in my throat should have deterred me sooner, but the growl in my stomach kept egging me on. I tried to lie down and get some rest – or at least fined a comfortable position. That’s when my five year old bundle of joy decided she needed some Mommy time and came to plop down on my stomach. Well I finally got her in a position (off my belly but still cuddle close) that SHE was comfortable with and was able to nod off. My slumber was abruptly interrupted by a horrible burning sensation in my nose and a retched taste coming from my throat. I immediately got up and called my surgeon at home (Yes I said I called him – no between man answering service. Isn’t he wonderful?). My surgeon asked me questions about coughing and saliva. He then told me to try to sip water and if I didn’t feel better tomorrow (now today) to come in and he would take some of my fill out. I then walked around and tried to calm my nerves. I got my bed all comfy like and slipped in the finally get some sleep – WRONG AGAIN… Within 4 minutes I was up and heading to the bathroom. I knew it was coming – I could not fight it so I simply prayed that God would make this as gentle on my stomach as possible. I usually throw up from my toes – but this time was much milder. I got foam, bile, and a few retches but no soup. I think those pills were sitting on top of my stoma opening. Afterwards I felt much better and was able to sleep. Today I am doing better. I have been able to get some water down and I even had black bean bisque for lunch. However, my surgeon’s nurse wants me to go back to clear thin broths for the rest of today and to sleep with an extra pillow so that I get a little assistance from gravity tonight. For once gravity is working in my favor (this does not make up for what it is doing to my breast). Hopefully the worst is over and my band just needed some time to loosen up. If I am not feeling back to normal by tomorrow I will be making that 2.5 hour drive up there and back. There’s no way I am going through this weekend feeling like crap. That’s my soap opera… what’s your’s?
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1
 

Getting Better Everday

I have not posted in a few days. I actually have been sort of busy. Today is my 7th day being banded. I feel ok. I had one day of wanting to chew for the sake of chewing. I definitely was not hungry. I have yet to break the 500 calorie mark. I drink unjury and put it in my soup, I don't really care for the taste of either the chocolate or the vanilla, but they will do. The unflavored one mixes well into my soups. I may try it in juice tomorrow. The pain is subsiding. That's good becasue my pain pills are worthless. A doublt dose of liquid tylenol seems to work better. My five-year old had given me a few good shots in the stitches. OF course it was by accident, but that didn't make it hurt any less. Two of my incisions are virtually pain free and three are not. My belly itches to high heaven. I constanty feel like I just ate Thanksgiving dinner and the gas is getting on my nerves - sort of. I am burping and pass gas like a mad woman! Hmmm, I have not had a real BM in two days. By real I mean liquid or otherwise. Lately is been liquid. I guess I hope to have one later today? Yeah I guess I do. Well I need to go to sleep because I have church today. Happy reading and I hope I wasn't too graphic.
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1
 

This morning was hard....

I woke up at 5:00 in pain. I just felt awful:crying:. I cannot even describe what it feel like. Well let me try. I felt overly full, stuffed beyond capacity. Tight and bloated. I could not lay, sit, or stand comfortable. Then I felt the urge to go to the bathroom. Of course all I produced was dark dark watery stuff, but at least it cam out. Then when i tried to lay down again it didn't hurt so much. But the pain was still in kill mode. I decided to take a double dose of the liquid Tylenol. I have not gotten my prescriptions filled yet. It took about thirty minutes after that dbl dose for me to start feeling slightly human again. Then I was releasing some major gas. I mean like “Whoooaaa Nelly:ohmy:!!!!! That made me feel much better. Then another BM and then guess what? I could sleep:thumbup:. Best two-hour nap ever. So I guess this is my gross morning I'm burping, farting, and pooping nasty looking liquids. The last time I sat on the toilet to have a BM all I got was a really long and loud release of gas. Now I am really wishing I was at my own home rather than here with my sorority sister. Then I could be nasty in peace and not worry about what someone might be thinking about all of these body noises (and smells) I am making:embaressed_smile:. On the bright side it's 10:10 am and I am not the least bit hungry. I do need to start drinking some water though. Ok that was three big burps in a row just now and fart that made my five year old say EEWWWWWW:scared2:!!! That's my cue - I may need to be heading for the toilet soon so I'd better end this now. Sorry if I grossed anybody out, but if someone is reading my blog like I read other's it's so they can learn what to possibly expect, so I intend on being honest. More later....
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I put this on March 2008 Bandsters' Master Thread but

it belongs here... so I hope this isn't considered cheating.. this is how I feel so this is my blog. First of all, let me say why I post in large print. I have 15/20 vision, but I work on a computer all day long. Reading the 10 point font size prints drive me nuts. In addition I cannot Zoom my screen size at home. So, to compensate I use 12 point font. It just appears bigger than 12 online. Whew, I’m glad I got that off my chest. I hope you all don’t mind. Second, I’d like to personally welcome Ejmdiva to the March 2008 Bandsters’ Master Thread. WELCOME!!!!!!! Ejmdiva, helped to calm my fears as I approached my surgery date. I was terrified; she offered her words of wisdom and then suggested that I go to the chat room. I did I found several people who were able to give me statistic information regarding the death rate in the US that made me feel much better. I am a single mom and my biggest fear was doing something that would leave my child motherless. Thank you so much Ejmdiva, I really appreciate what you did for me. Third, I’d like to say… HOW THE HECK DID I GAIN 2.5 POUNDS!!!!!!!! I’ll be dog gone. I hate the mushie stage! I cannot seem to get it right. I cannot eat every four hours. I’m a teacher; I can’t just whip out a snack of pureed chicken and chow down in the middle of a class. In addition, I cannot survive on 2- 4 oz per meal. I’m eating a cup – yeah that’s right a cup! I try to keep it down to three meals a day. I usually have a shake for breakfast, then a "regular" lunch and dinner. I never make my water goal. I forgot to take either one or both of my vitamin supplements three days in a row. H4eck I haven’t taken my B12 yet today – let me do that now….Energy my rear. I am so out of shape that my body aches from WALKING and the use of 3lb weights! That’s right I’m in major _itch mode right now. (Stomps around, breathing heavily glaring at the mirror on her desk). Now that I have that out of the way… I think my body is in starvation mode. It is holding on to every calorie. Cuz I know I was eating around or over 3000 per day pre band. Now I’m eating anywhere between 800 and 1300 calories (except yesterday – yesterday I had 1560 cals). Fours later….This morning I was trippin. I feel much better now. I called a friend who was banded 1.5 years ago. She helped me get my head right. Now I have two mantras lol 1) I won’t really start to lose weight until after my first fill, until then I will do my best to make good choices and exercise and 2) I did not have gastric bypass surgery. The weight will not come off in a week. It takes time, it’s healthier, and I must not lose faith. WOOO-SAHHH! I feel so much better. So what my body hurts from walking – I went walking. I did again today too. I am going to walk everyday until I get to a point that it does not leave me with body ache – then I gonna walk farther and/or faster so I can ache again. Yall are fantastic! Thanks for the support!... no I am not crazy – just happy….
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I Got Approved!!!!!!!!

I'm happy dancing all over the place! :tt2::confused_smile::lol:I finally got approval for surgery. I have a PPO so I really did not need insurance approval to have the surgery, but the approval is good because it was approved as MEDICAL surgery opposed to COSMETIC:thumbup:. Can you believe it? Who gets a bunch of incisions in their stomach as a cosmetic improvement? I am actually not looking forward to the scars. Pre Caesarean my stomach was pretty hot:biggrin:! I didn't even get stretch marks during my pregnancy - incredible because I gained 70 pounds. Yes I said 70 pounds:blushing:. Anyway, the way I see it is this: nobody (other than my child) has seen my stomach since I gave birth so what difference does it make? I think its unattractive now; at after surgery and exercise it will be smaller and unattractive. I've got to get something to help the scars heal well so they are less noticeable. I have to get lots of protein and liquid stuff in the house. My surgery date is March 20, 2008!!!!!!! :thumbup:That leaves me no time - well I think that's my date. That’s the date the surgeon's office submitted to the insurance company, but they approved for the 30th. I called my doctor's office so that they could get the insurance company to make a correction. I hope they do - or maybe they did that so I could do a pre-op diet. I don't know - I'm going to call them right now to find out what's going on. I'm so excited and yet so scared. My baby is only five years old. I hope I'm not doing anything that will take me away from her. Lord please let everything be alright, let me get through this healthy (mentally,. physically, and emotionally). I want to be here to raise my daughter, send her off to college, be at her wedding and baby-sit her children - my grandbabies. Ok - gotta go make that call before I freak myself out and change my mind about this surgery.:eek:
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Scale Obssession

If I wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom I weigh myself. In the morning, before I brush my teeth, I weigh myself. When I come home from work, I weigh myself. I have to tell myself not to weigh myself every other time that I walk into my bathroom. I am going crazy chasing behind my scale. I stand on it at least two - three times every time I weigh myself. I need help. I need an intervention. Should I remove the scale from my house:tongue_smilie:? I should put it in the shed shouldn't I? Then I will only go out to weigh myself once a week. Maybe that will help. I don't want to become obsessive. Of course I will not be doing this until after I see below the number 300 on my scale. This morning I was at 301.6!!!! Yipppeee:lol:! So so sad. Who celebrates being 301 lbs? I do dammit. I was 332 last year. I was 314.2 on the day of my surgery. I think I may make 20 pounds gone by the end of my second week. That's my goal; to be 294.2 by April 6, 2008. Maybe I'll wait until then to take my scale out of the bathroom. On a high note.... I burped alot less yesterday than any other day since surgery:thumbup:. Of course I had more gas. That may have been because I had cream of mushroom soup mixed with vegetable broth than I poured through a semi-fine strainer. I know that that cream stuff makes me gassy, but I wanted something with a little more texture:drool:. I'm so glad that my nutritionists approves of this. I do not know how people do a completely clear liquid diet for two weeks. Heck if I could do that I would not need the band. So anyway, no more creams this week. Today, its tomato soup mixed with vegetable broth. I also slowed down on the popsicles. I was sucking down like four a day!
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Aggravating

I posted a really long blog this morning and of course it is not here. I was expressing my fears and concerns regarding my surgery which is in two days. I love this site. I visit often, but sometimes the glitches are enough to make me want to use profanity. I mean damn. Its not easy coming on here to say I'm afraid I may not awake from surgery. I know its a relativley safe procedure. I know this, but I also knowthere is a POSSIBILITY of a problem. I am paranoid I know. I believe that all willbe well,its just that sometimes I let my imagination get the best of me. My baby is five and needs me as a mommy. But that's also one of the reasons why I'm doing this. My highest weight was around 334lb. I amd not quite 5'6". My left ventricle is slightly enlarged and I have kee and hip arthritis and bone spurs. Pretty mild as far as co-morbidities go I know, but I am also bordering on having high blood pressure. I do not want that. Heart disease runs in my family, so the odd so f me living until I'm old old - I mean really old and gray at thie weight are slim to none. So I am going to do what is best for me and my baby and everything is going to be alright. I trust my surgeon, but more importantly, I trust God. Now let's see if this posts.
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5/19/08 - The Day of the Second Fill

I am scheduled for fill #2 today. It was originally scheduled for the 21st, but my surgeon added another surgery so the office had to change my appointment. I'm not complaining; I would want someone to change their fill date so that I could get the band. I'm just glad that it was moved up instead of further away. I seem to be stuck. I am hungry. When I'm hungry I eat. I try not to eat too much, but I'm not one of those people that can walk around hungry. My stomach has a notorious growl - its so embarrassing....   I received 3cc during my first fill. I'm hoping for at least another 3cc this time. That would put me at 6 cc in a 14 cc band. I hope this offers a lot more restriction that I have now. I'm getting a little desperate - I am 2 months (on the 24th) post op and I am only down 1 lbs - heck I lost those 18 lb within the first two - three weeks post op. Since then I've been struggling to maintain. I'm glad that I am not gaining - boy am I happy about that - I just want to lose more.   My goal was/is to be 280 by June 13th. That may not be possible at this point. If I lose 2lb a week from now to then that would put me at 288 lb. I guess that will have to do. I'm going to have to buckle down - really monitor what goes into my mouth so that I can drop those 8 lbs by June 13th. Then I'll start working towards my July 4th goal - originally I wanted to be 270 lb by then. I'll settle for 278 lb. I'm putting this in writing here because I need some accountability to someone other than myself. No one (except my immediate family knows about my band) so there's no one to push me to try harder (and no one to monitor every morsel of food I eat or whisper about me doing this the easy way - which is why I have chosen to keep this to myself). There are a few people here who have had the band - the conversation that some people have about them is ridiculous. I just don't choose to open myself up to that kind on intense scrutiny and ridicule - I feel like a gay woman whose afraid to come out of the closet - but then again I guess not - I have no idea what that kind of pain feels like and I don't want to compare my petty problems to that.   Anyway.... If you guys don't see my ticker going down soon - BLAST ME!! Since that's the last thing I want to see here I will be doing my best to make that dag gone scale move!   NSV - I have officially left size 4x behind. I had a peasant blouse that I waited all winter to wear. I put that gorgeous thing on and I was swimming in it!!!! My coworker - who is losing weight, gave me a brand new linen peasant shirt that she is now too small to wear (size 3x) it fit perfectly :thumbdown:. WHOOO HOOO!!!! That’s right - I'm celebrating being a size 3x. Do the happy dance, do happy dance - spin it around and shake your body down - doing the happy dance :thumbup:! __________________
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Monday Was a Beast but I'm Glad I Did It

I did alot on Monday, March 17th. First I got up and dressed my sleeping five year old. I did this because we had to leave earlier than usual and I wanted my baby to get as much rest as possible. Then I dropped my baby off at the school's day care. I had to be at my doctor's appt at 7:30 am. Of course I got there late and I had to wait for another patient, who apparently was there on time to be seen. Then I spoke with a Physician's Assistant student for - hmm 20 minutes before I spoke with my doctor. I didn't really mind speaking to the PA that long because he has had gastric bypass and was very supportive. Of course I was rushed for time - cuz I had to make a 2.5 hour drive to my surgeon’s lap band class. Anyway, they finally sent me out of there with my prescriptions for my pre-op blood work and EKG. Why did I think I could do the doctor's visit and the test in 45 minutes? No way. The wait for the EKG and Blood work seem to be an eternity but was more like 30 minutes or a little more. I left to arrive at my 10:00 am lap band class at 9:30am:confused2:. Remember it’s a 2.5 hour drive. There I am speeding in my putt-putt that starts to shake rattle and roll as soon as I APPROACH 60 mph. I was given permission to be late - not to miss the whole class. At 10:44 I finally mustered the courage to call my surgeon's office and say I was not going to make the class and that I would call back to reschedule both my class and my surgery date :crying::thumbup::wink2::smile:. I didn't reach the teacher because of course, she was teaching the class. I left a message on her voice mail. Still I had a 1:45 pm appt. with my surgeon so I kept driving in to my surgeon's office. Well I get there and the place is opened to walk in but close to receive service because its lunch time. I sit and wait. While waiting I read lap band literature. Not much was new so I'm thinking I could write a booklet about it myself. Anyway, lunch is finally over and they take my information and co-pay. Then Cathy, the surgery teacher, comes out and tells me to read more information that she takes out of a huge folder the receptionist gave me. I read it and then she takes me back and gives me a one-on-one class. My surgeon's office is great. During the class my surgeon pops in to do my visits - sees we're not done and says, "I'll wait." Pretty cool huh? Anyway I get my visit done. They try their best to calm my nerves - they did - My stomach is doing flips but I'm not freaking :eek: out anymore. My visit is over by 2:45. I go get something to eat because of course I have not eaten all day. At 3:00 pm I am off for another 2.5 hour drive heading to my baby's school for pick up :tt1:. Whew!!! What a Day.
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Banded Yesterday

I was banded yesterday. When I woke up in recovery all I could think was "Thank you Jesus." I don't know if I actually said it, but I know I thought it over and over again. The pain was horrible of course, but I was so happy to be alive. I wanted to see my baby because she was so upset right before they wheeled me away. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything yesterday. I have to say that I wanted to put something in my mouth. Whether that was from hunger or habit I cannot say. Today, no breakfast but I did get to drink some really nasty apple juice colored stuff so they could watch and xray me swallowing. It was truly disgusting, but it was quick, so I'm complaining. I was allowed lunch. I had green/lime(?) jello, chiken broth, apple juice, tea, and water. I was full before I knew it. Then the nurse sent me another jello. I had'nt finished what I already had! About two or so hours later I ate the second jello. Now here is it 7:48 pm and I just tried to eat a pre packaged jello brand jello cup and i was too full to finish it. I am in pain, but its not so bad that I can't stand it. My C-section was way worst than this. Hopefully tomorrow will be less painful. Although it's bearable, it's still very very unpleasant. Well I'm tired. I want to try to take a nap. Hopefull I'll sleep til morning :biggrin: My baby is ok, a little on the touchy side, but I guess that's to be expected.
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Reposting sucks

I wrote a post about my pulmonary function test, but I guess its gone.:rolleyes2: Oh well, that's the price you pay for progress and updates. anyway, I had my PFT. It was a blast - pun intended. Sitting in an office and wrapping my mouth around a wide plastic short tube:ohmy: was not comfortable. Blowing my breath out until I felt like my lungs would collapse was even less fun. Taking four pulls on an inhaler - now that was just plain nasty:confused_smile:. I feel for anyone that has to use an inhaler. I did not know that they tasted so nasty. It's no wonder my ex-boyfriend would put off using his inhaler until he couldn't stand it anymore.   I was so light-headed by the end of the session. It was worth it though. I needed that PFT for pulmonary clearance. I have that appoint on the 2/13/08. I actually made three appointments - the other two are on 2/14 and 2/22. I'll have to call and cancell those two. I just kept making appointments until I could get one early. I'm trying to have surgery sometime around 3/21 or 3/24. I have that time off from work and school so that would be the perfect time. So waiting for 2/22 to see the pulmonologist was pushing it too close. At least the 13th gives me an extra week. my information was originally sent to my insurance company on 12/05/07 - it took them over a month to say, "we need more information." Specifically, they wanted cardiac and pulmonology clearance. So this is my last step before resubmission. Please Lord, let this be it. Let them say, "YES!!!!!!!!!!!":thumbup:
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Waiting

Well I have done everything that the doctor says I have to do. The six month diet, the psych eval, the stress test, the nutrionist appointments, and of course the consultation. This is the third time I have started this journey. the first time was for gastric bypass, but for me it felt like drastic bypass, so i passed that one by. then last year i started over. i went to consultations and seminars at two different places. I chose Dr. Singh in Catonsville, MD. its a longer drive, but he's the one the trained the other doctor I considered.   I would have done the surgery last year, but some family stuff came up, i had to move, and i started school. not a good time to be thinking about life altering surgery. Anyway, I went to see Dr. Singh, this past summer. He's so calm and funny. I told him I'm ready. I like his practice - he works with Dr. Averbach (anybody else here using that practice?) He also doesn't charge and arm and a leg for extra stuff that i cannot use - like a gym membership. the other place did. it was more than 45 minutes away - who travels that far to go workout? i pass by like 15 workout places just getting there. for that he wants $2500 extra dollars that the insurance does not cover. of course it includes two visits with the personal trainer and two visits with the nutrionist - its the same person - the surgeon's wife. Dr. Sing's nutiritionist offers unlimited help for either 6 months or a year post surgery - at no extra charge. there are support group meetings - at no extra charge. and there is no extra charge for fills - yeah some doctors try that - at least the other doctor i saw does. anyway... i am now waiting for a call from the Dr. S's office saying i have been approved and my surgery date is - hmmm soon. how about they call me because someone cancelled and ask if i can come in between Christmas and the new year!!!! Yeah - that would be the ticket I wish for. Of course I'll take whatever date they give me - JUST GIVE ME a DATE - plllleeeeaaaassseee!!!!   ok - i gotta go. nite all.
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Taking a tiny step

Today I joined lapbandtalk.com. I needed to do something. I have been on this journey for a very long time now. I researched gastric bypass, went to a consultation and decided that this was not the surgery for me. The risks are too great. I have a small child and I think it might be best for me to be around. Of course this is the same reason that I investigated gastric bypass to begin with. At that time (5 years ago) my insurance would not cover lapband. Imagine how happy I was last year to find out that that had changed. I went to two different doctor's seminars last year. I decided on the one that would not charge me an outrageous sum of money on top of what the insurance company was paying. I guess if I lived close to the facility I would consider paying the extra $2500 to use the gym for a year, go to support groups,a nd visit with a trainer nutritionist four times, but I don't think its reasonable to drive an hour to the gym three times a week. There are plenty of gyms near where I live that don't charge nearly that much for a year's membership. Besides, the doctor that I chose actually trained the doctor that charges too much.   I have to wait until Nov. 1, 2007 for my psch eval. I had one done last year, but its outdated. I would have done this last year, but I had some unexpected changes in my life and I just could not add that to my already boiling pot.   I went back to start over and found that the insurance companies decided that in order to qualify for the surgery I had to be on a supervised diet for six months prior to attempting to be approved. What a crock. Anyway, I did that, now I'm waiting for my psch appointment. I hope this guy says I'm sane otherwise I think I may go insane - well as insane as I can and still properly take care of my daughter.   So here I am - waiting. I will start doing arm exercises this weekend. My arms are awful. Really fat and flabby. I realize that this will onl get worse after surgery if I don't exercise and maybe even if I do. I'm also worried about my stomach. It used to be so beautiful. I had a c-section and now it hangs. I hope it doesn't look too horrible post surgery, but noone is looking at it now anyway - so what does it really matter?   Here I go.:clap2: Off and running (happily)
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Always Something

Well I thought I was done with my pre-approvals but of course I was not. I was told that the insurance company wanted Cardiologist and Pulmonlogist clearance before they would continue reviewing my application. Of So I went to see the cardiologist. Apparently my left ventricle is slightly enlarged. I had an echo done. I guess its ok because the the docotr signed my clearance form. I am psyched!!! ooo rah!!! Now for the Pulmoniologist. I have not been racing to get this done because I have homework, and work - work, and a five year old. I can't be running off to doctor's appointments all the time. So I decided to do one at a time. Now I have to find a Pulmonologist that will see me without making me wait a month to get an appointment. One wanted to me to gext x-rayed and somemore crap. I think I made an appoinment with them - but then again - maybe not. I think they wanted me to do the x-ray and other crap before they would set the appointment. Well I forgot I had an x-ray back in september. So I'f better go ahead and take care of that other thing they wanted so I can get my butt in there. I need to be ready for surgery by spring break. That will give me one week to get over the initial pain and be able to function. I mean even if I have to take two weeks to recover, at least I will only miss one week of work and none of school if I get this done during Spring break. The Monday after Easter works for me.   I am trying to spend this time getting mentally geared up. Its a good thing. I don;t know how people who get decided to get it done are getting banded within a month of making the decision. Gutsy (or crazy). Naw I shouldn't say that. I should just say that I need time to get myself mentally and emotionally prepared - other people may not need that - I need that. Hmmm, I guess I was trying to make my situation somebody else's.   So I'm visualizing and thinking. I can see myself looking and feeling better. Woo hoo to be free of back, knee, and hip pain!! talk about a reason to throw a par-tay!
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