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About this blog

This is where you can learn about ME...who I am, what I stand for, and all the ups and downs that go along with making the journey to freedom from the controlling influence of food. Hopefully, learn

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Wrapping my mind around it

So, I was doing good, tracking my protein, calories, and carbs, eating good stuff, getting in lots of fruits and veggies. I actually lost about 10 pounds! :thumbup: Then BOOM! it was all over. I am feeling hungry all the time, eating just about anything I want, not getting my water in. I know the hunger is probably due at least in part to increased sugar intake.:thumbdown: I am eating like a mad woman!!! :bored: And worse even, I am sneaking to do it! I stop by and buy food when I am alone in the car and eat it between home and work. Or I will buy a soda and drink it like I have been stranded in the desert or something! Candy bars at the grocery store that I eat on the way home. I have lost my mind!!! I was so proud of myself for doing so well and not even banded yet, but I am blowing it all out of the water now. The doctor even commented on how well I was doing and now I am afraid when I go for my pre-op visit I will have regained some of what I had lost and be ashamed all over again! :thumbup: I was so committed to this change and what it would mean for my life and now, I still am in my heart, but my head just isn't cooperating. What is wrong with me?:confused2:
kathystrick

kathystrick

2
 

The beginning

I go for my appointment with the psychologist today. I am a little nervous, but have been doing lots of "me-search", so I think I am ready. Who knew I began checking into having surgery almost six months ago that I had so much to learn about myself? I am far from perfect and still find the urge to indulge too much to resist some days, but I know that will get easier as I learn other ways to "fix" all the pain inside. Here's to the bright, healthy future...
kathystrick

kathystrick

1
 

So what is this all about?

I was talking to my husband last night and mentioned in conversation that I had paid the hospital $150 when I called to pre-register for the tests I am having done next Thursday, 3/6. He flipped!! I couldn't believe it! Mind you, I got a second job about a month ago to help with what I knew was going to be extra expense. So what is his problem? He said he feels like it's just one thing after another and everytime I go they are wanting more money for something. All I have paid out of pocket is $250 as the first half of my program fee and the $150 yesterday. Of course we haven't met our deductible yet since it's so early in the year, so I knew I was going to have to pay at least that $500. I just think there is so much more to it than the money. Is he realizing, like I am, that this is REALLY going to happen now that I am having all the tests and stuff? And why does that scare him? It doesn't make any sense. I thought he would be happy to be getting a hot wife after almost 9 years of marriage. Apaprently I was wrong. His reaction scared me so bad that now, I am really afraid I may just end up single before I reach goal. :thumbup:
kathystrick

kathystrick

7
 

Pre-Band

I am really getting tired of saying that..."pre-band" I don't think I will EVER have insurance approval!! But it HAS only been about 10 days, so I really have no right to complain. Some people wait a lot longer than that!   My pre-op diet is going MUCH better! I have lost 10 pounds already! Having a hard time with food the past couple of days. I think I just need to get my head screwed back on right. Work has been chaotic because of testing, so lunck schedules are messed up and I have been spending all morning in someone else's classroom, so hoefully that is part of it and it will get better next week. I sure hope so! I don't want to step on that scale Monday morning and see a higher number!!   Went to my first support group meeting here in town last night. Only 4 of us showed up, but it was the first time, so it should get better. The only problem is that after next month, the meetings will move from Wed. night to Mon. night and I have to work! :w00t: That really took the wind out of my sails because I was SO looking forward to being able to attend a group locally!! I'm going to try to work something out if I can. Afterall, it is only 1 night per month. We'll see I guess!
kathystrick

kathystrick

6
 

I have a date!

Now, I have to get my act together! :thumbup: I was doing good, but not anymore! I wish I could lose more weight before surgery, but I am finding myself in last supper mode all over again. I thought I was done with that! :thumbdown: My clothes are getting tight again. :sleep: But all of this will be over for me in less than a month! :w00t: I am so excited :clap:and nervous :w00t:!!! But I know it will be a wonderful future for me! YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!:thumbup:
kathystrick

kathystrick

1
 

H. Pylori and eating

I started taking the medication (Prevpac) for the bacterial infection H. Pylori almost a week ago, so at this point I am just about halfway through it. It has been so hard sometimes! The taste it puts in my mouth makes me nauseous most of the time and it gives me terrible gas. Of course, the taste in my mouth makes everything I eat have a funny taste, so that is definitely a deterrent to eating. I just hate feeling sick all the time! Only 7 more days though...
kathystrick

kathystrick

1
 

Food = the ENEMY!!!

I am doing so horribly with my food intake pre-surgery. I try everyday to make good choices, but then by the end of the day, I find myself starving (headaches, shaky, etc.). I usually have a protein shake of some sort for breakfast, fruit for mid-AM snack, something high protein (tuna, chicken, etc), yogurt, and usually a piece of fruit for lunch, protein bar for mid afternoon snack. Sounds like a lot of food, but lately hasn't been enough. I am so ready to be done fighting food. It has ruled my life for so long now. It only seems like the fight is getting worse the farther into the approval process I get. Like a demon fighting to keep control of my body. I will take it back, with the help of the Lap Band. I will make my body, and therefore my life, mine again!!!
kathystrick

kathystrick

3
 

Feelings and dealing

As I go through my mind and try to get some head work done in preparation for surgery, I am becoming increasingly more aware of all of this repressed anger I have built up inside myself from years of medicating myself with food. So now, I have to figure out a way to deal with all of these issues, all these years after the fact. What fun!! I don't know what to do. It is really causing me a lot of stress because I have things I want to say to people, but know if I bring it up, it will only cause more problems because it has been so long. So, what do I do? I know if I don't get it out and deal with it, I will have to continue feeding it (literally) to keep it at bay. I feel so overwhelmed...:confused_smile:
kathystrick

kathystrick

3
 

Anticipation and all that comes with it

I finally meet my surgeon this Friday, April 11. That means a surgery date can't be too far behind! :thumbs_up: I am excited, but nervous as well, which I think is only natural. I keep thinking about so many things in my life (past and future) that have led me to this place. All of the eating triggers - who knew there could be so many?? All of the pain and emotion I have stuffed inside myself instead of dealing with it - if tears were Prozac, I would have OD'd years ago. Now, to have all of it coming down at once in addition to dealing with preparations for surgery is SO overwhelming!! :confused2: But I know it will all be worth it, no matter how hard it is now. Some days I just feel like my heart is being ripped out from all of the emotions. But, as I move into my future, I know my life is not only going to be better, but also easier because I will never again let so much negativity build up inside and take control of me as I have done in the past. All of it has to change if I am going to have the life I want and I am starting on it NOW!!!:thumbup:
kathystrick

kathystrick

1
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