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you gotta move it, move it.

I've started to dust off some of my exercise equipment - I am hoping to have it all set up and ready this weekend. I know right now that a lot isn't possible, but that's not going to keep me from trying now, and being prepared for when I can. I know that just losing 50 lbs will rocket me into copious amounts of energy. I'm ready, and willing to expend that on something positive. Memorial day weekend will be spent getting the pool situated (temperature depending - in all reality, it could be snowing haha) so we can get that filled and the water warming in the sun :sad:   I'm not sure what my husband did to our old food saver, but I bought a new one so I can start making food last longer as well. I've always loved these - they make great steaming bags now too so you can put together a meal of already cooked veggies and meats and freeze it - then throw it in the microwave when you're ready for it. This will be my plan   Ohhhh I just can't tell you how much even being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel enriches me. Its not just what I want, its what I need.   I'm still quite certain about not telling most people - I have a relatives that are absolute fear-mongering idiots. My sister contacted my husband and told him that she thought I was suicidal because I didn't want to talk to her on the phone when I was sick and had the flu - she said I sounded just aweful and depressed!   UH DUH I HAVE THE FLU AND MY FACE IS IN A TOILET.   So if I were to tell her about the fact that I'm going to be having WLS....well - I don't know what she'd come up with - probably an old priest and a young priest for an exorcism :thumbup:   Anyway - I also have my mother to deal with who, has this uncanny ability to make everything about her - and I don't just mean in a la-ti-da way. You could CUT YOUR ARM OFF and she would know how you feel because she hurt her toe once and it was way worse than anything you're going through and blah blah blah...yeah. She also will be jealous and will blame me that she hasn't had surgery - But she lies to her doctor and to the psychologist - and won't follow the pre-op diet. That's why she hasn't had surgery. I told her if she'd follow the pre-op, I would pay her copay. Nope. But she wants that surgery so bad!!!!   Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to judge, I'm just not willing to deal with the drama that is my family at this point and time. Its like dysfunctional family theater around here. We had a 10 year long feud over a food item that may or may not have been present at someone's house. Yeah - real steady support system haha. So I choose to cut them out. They cannot provide me the support and encouragement that I need in this journey, so they don't get to be a part of it.   I also don't want the attention and questions. If I felt that my having surgery and talking about it would benefit anyone, I would most certainly talk about it - and I actually have. My one sister who has a physical disability brought on by a car accident knows about the surgery and is considering it for herself as well. I trust her and I felt that her knowing would be helpful to her - so I told her.
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Yay!!!!! Got my consult date!!!!

Okay so I go in for my consult with Dr. Kam - he's been in this area for only a year and a half but has over 800 bypasses and sleeves overall in his career - he started as a trauma surgeon so he's good with the staples and such haha :thumbup: He has a thorough understanding of the liver as well - which is great for me considering the Wilson's disease. I'm quite excited :sad: I meet with him on the 21st of this month - and hopefully will be for surgery shortly thereafter :glare:
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waiting...

I'm just waiting for the surgeon's office to call me to come in for my first of 2 consults. I'm apparently going with Dr. Nizzi at Grand Traverse Surgery at this point and time. If they tell me it'll be 6 months, I'll be checking into other option in Grand Rapids, etc.   Ugh and I left my cell phone at home today - hope they didn't try to call me!
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Today

Not feeling well today. I've got issues with my adrenal glands going bonkers - and today is one of those days. I'm having a physical anxiety attack - which means that while I don't have the mental activity of an anxiety attack, my body still goes through all those feelings. Today is worse than most days that this has happened. I also have been fighting off a bug of some sort that seems to be winning. So putting both of those together does not make for a very pleasant feeling.   Still hoping to hear from the surgeon's office today.
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Surgeon Meeting #2

This went well. I got the answers I wanted except a surgery date haha. This could be not until August but here's the kicker - I got laid off from my job which means I'm down to one insurance ( not so bad) but I don't know if I can collect unemployment due to the fact that there's a restriction that you have to be in the state of michigan for the last 18 months or something. Anyway - I'm working this out - I've only been here like 15 months *grr*   The layoff is temporary - but oh wouldn't it be nice to have that time to recover from the surgery and return to work rested and not having used any vacation time haha
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Surgeon #2 meeting - Tomorrow

Meeting with Surgeon #2 tomorrow - and if things go well, I think he'll be my choice. Mainly because its a 3 hour trip each way to Surgeon #1 and I have 4 different days I have to go down there, potentially 5, BEFORE surgery. That's a lot of days off work before even having the surgery - doesn't leave me time off to actually HAVE the surgery. Considering Surgeon #2 actually trained Surgeon #1 - I think that bodes well for it going well. I'm excited to meet him - I've heard nothing but great things about him. They're combining 3 of my appointments into tomorrow, whereas the other place could only do one each visit - So I'll have this visit, one more quick one I can do on my lunch hour, then surgery if things go the way they should. Hopefully it'll move right along.
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Support

So i told my husband of what I'm planning and he's supportive. His mom had GB surgery a couple years ago and he wanted to make sure I looked into what I was doing. I explained to him the differences between the surgeries and he's very supportive of me getting the lap band. He loves the idea. He just wants me to be healthy and happy and if this gets me there sooner, he's good with that.   We had some issues a while back when I was really quite ill - he just really wasn't there - he said he was, but he wasn't. He didn't put forth any effort and it really got to me. We nearly split up - and I'm still working through that and he's still working on it as well - I have in the back of my mind that when I'm back to my old self and healthy again, how do I get past the fact that he wasn't there for me when I absolutely needed him the most? He's working on that and so am I. So his support here, whether he means it or not is a step in the right direction :tounge_smile:   I made it quite clear to him that I didn't want anyone to know. Its a trust issue and I need to be able to trust him - not just with this, but with anything.
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Still waiting....

I'm still waiting for the surgical center to call me and schedule my appointment. If they don't call me by end of day today, I'm calling them tomorrow. I don't like waiting for things! I'm not very good at being patient :tounge_smile:   I couldn't wait I called them today and the NP is reviewing my letter and it will be given to the scheduling coordinator who will be in on Thursday and Friday this week - hopefully I'll receive a call. The advisor there said that I could probably get in for an initial visit at the end of april/early may. But that its going to be 4-6 months for the process to continue after that - so I'm not too happy about that.
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So....

In the theory of keeping my options open and keeping busy, I am going to check out another surgical center - they're about 3 hours away, but have appointments on saturdays so that helps. If nothing else, it'll keep my mind on the end result goal instead of sitting here doing nothing - and I can go hang out with my best friend that lives down there too haha. All this will do is help me get more information and keep more options available to me. This other surgical center accepts only one of my insurances but said that they will work with me on submitting to the other for coverage - and they even said they'd put that in writing! :biggrin: Last thing I need is to get burdened with a big ass medical bill when I wasn't expecting it.   So the 16th I head down for the initial seminar. By the time i Have the surgery, I'll have been to so many seminars, I'll be able to GIVE them :thumbup:   I just want my damn sleeve. I get irritable because i have no control over this and I'm rather OCD.
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So yeah...

The doctor has changed my medications - I'm getting off the steroids as soon as possible (I have to be weaned) - Things aren't going that well with my treatments, but hopefully this changeup does some good. This will be the defining factor as to whether or not I go ahead with the surgery.
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So mad!

Okay -this really has nothing to do with the lapband but I'm so angry right now, I could spit fire. When I moved back to where I live now, I called the office where my chiropractor was at - they said that they didn't know what happened to him but heard he moved back to Arizona - said some pretty negative stuff about him. I found out today that he OPENED HIS OWN WELLNESS CENTER HERE IN TOWN - they're mad because they lost a lot of their patients to him. I mean I can understand if they didn't want to tell me where he was practicing or whatever, but to LIE to me was ridiculous.
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Sleeve surgery, approved, by, insurance,?

This is what Priority Health says regarding VSG:   C. Limitations 1. The following bariatric procedures are covered when the surgical criteria above have been met: a. Roux-en-Y gastrojejunostomy b. Laparoscopically Adjustable Banding with FDA approved device c. Biliopancreatic Diversion with Duodenal Switch (BPD/DS) (For Medicaid, see #6 below). d. Sleeve gastrectomy IF one of the following applies (For Medicaid, see #6 below): (i) A Roux-en-Y gastric bypass is contraindicated (e.g. severe adhesions, previous bowel surgery) and the patient is either not desirous of or not a candidate for any other covered procedure (laparoscopically banded gastroplasty or biliopancreatic diversion with duodenal switch ), OR (ii) The sleeve gastrectomy is an integral part of another planned covered procedure (i.e. duodenal switch procedure), but only if the sleeve gastrectomy is performed because intraoperative complications preclude the completion of the duodenal switch procedure itself.   So I see the way around if the surgeon is willing - but holy crap! Why such a big ordeal for a surgery that's been around literally forever? heheh Any advice on how I approach this with my surgeon?
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reconsidering

I'm really going between having the surgery and not having the surgery. I mean, is it really going to benefit me? Do I want to go this route, or do I want to do it the way I always could before? I don't know. I have no clue what I really want to do. Do I need the surgery? No, I don't NEED it. I'm tired of the anxiety that this is creating - not the problems - that's not bothering me, just the anxiety that the thought of having this surgery is giving me. I don't know that its right for me, I really don't. If it bothers me to even tell my husband about it, can it really be right? I know that eventually, I will get my energy back. I know I'll be able to work very very hard and get the weight off. But do I want to wait for that? My big concern is that I don't want my family to see me like I am now. I'm embarrassed of what has happened to me. No, its not all my fault - but yeah, some of it is. I'm tired of the looks and stares - like when I go get a very very healthy smoothie - people look at me like "what's the fat lady doing getting something healthy???" - Someone actually said something once to the person they were with - and I retorted with "I'm sure it probably does make you feel better to pick on someone who's fatter than you, but how does it make you feel to pick on someone that has a dehabilitating disease that is treated with medications that make it nearly impossible to get out of bed because of the painful side effects and the enormous amount of weight gain caused by it - not to mention the chemo-like IV treatments - yeah. Are you on your way to the cancer ward now to laugh at the bald kids?" I thought the person was going to start to cry - GOOD - maybe next time they'll think twice.
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Rant

I really can't stand when my husband tires to make a joke and it just hits me the wrong way - joking about things that I can't control - things that are affected by my illness. It HURTS that he says things like that, but he doesn't see it that way because its "not what he meant". I really don't care what he MEANT - think before you speak, jerk. It'd be one thing if this was the first time this happened - but its a repeated thing.
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pictures

I've been looking at all these before and after pictures....and I think what scares me the most is taking that before picture and looking at it. I know my view is distorted - I know what I looked like before all this happened - and it wasn't all that long ago. I know I don't look like that any longer and I know I carry my weight different from everyone else....and I know what I looked like 50 lbs ago - kinda... I SO do not want to look at that before picture. I'm afraid I'll literally get sick to my stomach. I've avoided mirrors as much as possible - I don't do pictures since I'm always the one with the camera. Its going to be a difficult thing. Probably the hardest thing of all - seeing the reality for what it really is.
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No call

So again, no call from the Surgery Center - was supposed to have gotten a call either Thursday or Friday - but nothing....I'll call today on my lunch to see what's going on. I'm so not a big fan of waiting.   Grrr! They're not open today! First they had a message on their phone that said they were having a staff meeting and would open back up at 1 - THEN after that, the message changed to in-house training and they wouldn't be available today. *flail* Ok - tomorrow I call! I hope their in-house training included learning how to call when they say they're going to! haha!
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My Journey Begins...

So my psych eval is scheduled for next Friday. I'm actually kinda stoked to go to one of these. I've never had anything like that done. I mean, I went to a counselor as a kid when my parents got divorced because my mother made me go - which sucked - I didn't have anything to talk about She thought I was all Emo and I wasn't. I didn't like her, I had nothing to say to the shrink and that was about it. So she tried to put me in drug rehab - I'd never touched a drug in my life - meanwhile, my sister is smoking pot, getting drunk and dropping acid IN THE HOUSE and my mother is oblvious to it lol. Anyway - enough about my goofy childhood. I'm looking forward to the psych eval. My advocate is a hoot - she's just hilarious. She was giving me some questions that get asked - about my history - the fact that I'm divorced (I'm remarried now). Family life, blah blah blah. Anyway - She said they'll ask me about the fact that a doctor put me on anti depressants and the fact that I did take them - I took them under protest, went to see a new doctor (my current one) was diagnosed with a genetic liver disorder (doesn't affect the surgery - already checked! :confused: ) and taken off the anti-depressants because I didn't need them. All they did was make me an insomniac zombie and that was at a very low dose! I tell ya, there's people in my family that are on anti depressants that, they have worked absolute wonders for. But I'm not one that needs them. I went to about 15 doctors that told me that I was depressed and that's why I was having all these symptoms. I swear they get a kickback from the pharmaceutical companies! Then again, some doctors I believe, are past their prime and need to retire as well. Blah anyway. I have a whole laundry list of complaints about doctors and an even longer list of some amazing doctors I've known throughout my life. Here's hoping my newest one is going on the amazing list!
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Looking forward

I'm so very tired. I'm ill right now, so that doesn't help - but it makes the reality of actually having health again seem attainable. Just as I'll get over this cold/flu/infection, I'll recover from the health issues that my weight has caused me. Just like I'm on a daily basis recovering from the horrible poisoning that my body endured from the toxic metals. I know that I can do this. While I've been too sick to do much more than drag my butt out of bed and slump into the chair in my office all week (hey - I made it TO work, what more do they want from me? lol) I haven't gotten to that exercise I do really long for. I wanted to start slow - and I will - as soon as I can move without feeling dizzy and nauseous :ohmy: My doctor said it was just "the crud" - midwestern for "whatever's going around at the time". Codeine for the cough, ibuprofein for the irritation in the throat, OTC cold/sinus meds and sleep. lots of sleep. I like the codeine - makes the cough stop for the most part. I get some sleep. It makes me all fuzzy tho so hard to take during the day and be productive heh.
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Life begins.

I'm gathering a positive attitude. I've gotten so much taken care of, I'm off the steroids, I'm only on the necessary medications now. I feel a sense of relief knowing that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. My doctor has submitted for my approval for the surgery. Waiting on the insurance company now. After that, I get referred to the surgeon. I'm excited to get this going. I don't want to get my hopes up too far, but my BMI is high enough that I should be able to just go have the surgery done (never thought I'd be happy to have a high BMI). I wasn't going to have the surgery done locally because I live in a small town and there are a lot of nosey people around here. But I'm going to. Unfortunately, they don't do the surgery outpatient here yet. Though I might ask for it to be. We'll see. For as heavy and unhealthy as I am, I'm still pretty agile and strong. I don't have issues with breathing, no real co-morbities other than the ones my medications caused. I'm looking forward to this. To getting my life back. To strapping on a pair of running shoes and actually running again. I even bought a new pair. They're waiting for me.
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internal struggle

I'm having an internal struggle as to which surgery I should have. I have a lot of weight to lose - almost 200 lbs. Most of which was gained in the last 2 years. I know I need to discuss this with the surgeon, but I'm still on the fence myself. I like the idea of the band as being a tool instead of actually changing my anatomy. But then with say the sleeve or the rny, the weightloss is faster. But its not all about how fast you lose - I know that. I keep thinking to myself that I can lose that much with the band. But then I think - then why can't I do it without the band? I've not been in this situation for a lifetime or even a great portion of my life so its difficult for me to comprehend. Sure, I've struggled with my weight my whole life, but up til I got sick in 2006, I always won those battles. Sure, I was a little overweight but I was healthy and happy. And now I'm far from healthy and I can't even see happy from where I'm at. Its not just that I'm sad. I'm ANGRY. I had started my training to run a half marathon. Yeah - i was in great shape! Then one day....The world toppled down on me. Combining not lifting weights, not running every day with making poor food choices and being depressed because I couldn't do what I wanted, then add in the IV treatments and the steroids, which caused more depression which caused more poor food choices and more eating - yeah I can see how I got here. I know I would have gained a lot of weight even without the poor food choices, but I just added insult to my own injury. I take full responsibility for Jack in the Box for dinner and breakfast nearly every day for quite a while. OH - and you bet that's a large fry with that. Diet coke, of course to drink. Or Iced tea - unsweetened! I'm on a diet, afterall!   I kick myself every day for making a bad situation worse. There's no telling what point I would be at if i had made better food choices. I know it wouldn't be at the 200 lb overweight mark. But maybe just 100 lbs. 100 lbs is doable! I can deal with that. But TWO HUNDRED?! What the hell did I do to myself? And all because I was sad that I couldn't run. Yeah. That makes sense. Now, I'm so far beyond being able to control this that I now have to have a device put in my stomach OR have 3/4 of my stomach removed in order to even be healthy. Uhm WHAT?!   I guess I'm an overachiever. I did in 2 years what it takes some to do in a lifetime!   But.   I'm addressing it now. I'm doing what I need to do to get healthy. It wasn't all that long ago. I don't need the pictures to remember what it was like to be a size 8/10. I remember how it felt. I remember that I could sit in any chair, climb a ladder, run stairs in 4 inch heels and put my feet behind my head *lol* it wasn't that long ago! So yeah - there's a bit of speed factor going on in my mind. But there's also a lot of "I don't wanna go through this again" going on too. But I know my lifestyle. I know what I want to do in the future and that tells me that its going to be the band or sleeve. Then I have to think about longevity - which again, is probably band. But can I just control it and do the sleeve? I just don't know that I want to alter my anatomy. But then again, if it was my foot that was killing me, I'd have that cut off....   So many thoughts. I know - meeting with the surgeon will really help. Buuuuut....the more I can work through in my mind first, the better.   *ramble*ramble*ramble*ramble*
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In 5 days...

In just 5 days I'll be meeting with another surgical office regarding my surgery. I'm hoping the, what I not-so-affectionately-refer-to-as "the plague" is gone by then. I popped in to my PCP today and she said its definitely viral and had to run its course. She gave me some stuff to help manage the symptoms. I've already had this for about 5 days. If I don't start to turn the corner by Wednesday AM, I'll insist on an antibiotic, because it'll obviously not be viral if its taking that long. In just 10 days, I have my surgical consult here with Dr. Kam. Its movin' and shakin! I weighed in at the doctor's office today - had my shoes on this time so that's a couple pounds and I'm very very bloaty from TOM but the scale read up 8.5 lbs. But its nothing for me to even bloat that much. I'll check again soon tho. I shouldn't have actually gained anything that isn't TOM related.
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Impatient pre-patient.

I am waiting so very impatiently for the surgeon's office to call me for my first consultation appointment. This is just not sitting well for me. I hate hate hate waiting for anything. Patience is a virtue I am without. Hahah I'm without most virtues, I think   I just want this all to move in a forward direction. I feel like i"m sitting at the DMV - you know - the endless wait that never seems to end - and is really more painful than it should be? :tounge_smile:
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I don't know why

I just realized that I have, in part, been waiting for someone to do something for me. I think because I wanted to make sure the surgeon saw me how I am. But he's got my weight from my PCP - I need to start the pre-op diet now. Maybe that'll help to speed up things. And if it doesn't, I'm just that much more ahead of the curve. If I falter, I have more time to recover from falling off the wagon. I just need to do something now. I ordered new parts for my exercise equipment so it'll be easier (I have a home gym - I actually used it so much in the past that i wore out some parts! haha - yeah I used to be a real health nut - and hope to be again!) so once those come in, I'll even be able to start working out again - with no excuses! I'm off to the store on my lunch to pick up some pre-op goodies. Screw this waiting around - i need to do more on my part to make this happen. Maybe if I can prove to the surgeon that I'm more serious than anything about this ,I can get my surgery sooner. Here's hoping!
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Frustrated beyond belief

Ya know, maybe if I hadn't been working on this for a year and a half now, I wouldn't be so frustrated. I have ZERO idea how this can be hard. I'm sitting here with everything done - just waiting for the surgical date. Insurance companies BOTH have sent me letters of approval. I've contacted every other surgeon's office within 200 miles of me - either they don't take my primary insurance or(and sometimes AND) I have to start completely over with THEIR process which means giving back my approval and having them do everything from step 1 all over again. WTF? What kind of sense does that make? They want to send the exact same paperwork to my insurance company to get the exact same answer I already got from my insurance company. Huh? I'll have to see their doctor who will go over the medical records my doctor sends after they take my history that I already have with my doctor so that this doctor can put his stamp on it and give it to the surgeon. Uhhh What??? Yeah. Makes NO sense. I mean you can quote procedures etc - but this is why this crap costs so much! Because there's 5 people doing the same thing over and over again that's already been done! I might as well stay where I'm at - provided I can actually get a phonecall back from these people. UGH. I'm just frustrated that I can't even get someone else to move when I've already done everything I can do. I have no more pre-op appointments that I can do - only other thing I could do is the shrink visit and dietician visit but I was told that if I do them BEFORE I have my surgical consult that they won't count and i"ll have to do them again. *flails arms wildly* So no phonecalls back, no appointments to keep, no paperwork to fill out....just sitting here waiting...
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