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internal struggle

I'm having an internal struggle as to which surgery I should have. I have a lot of weight to lose - almost 200 lbs. Most of which was gained in the last 2 years. I know I need to discuss this with the surgeon, but I'm still on the fence myself. I like the idea of the band as being a tool instead of actually changing my anatomy. But then with say the sleeve or the rny, the weightloss is faster. But its not all about how fast you lose - I know that. I keep thinking to myself that I can lose that much with the band. But then I think - then why can't I do it without the band? I've not been in this situation for a lifetime or even a great portion of my life so its difficult for me to comprehend. Sure, I've struggled with my weight my whole life, but up til I got sick in 2006, I always won those battles. Sure, I was a little overweight but I was healthy and happy. And now I'm far from healthy and I can't even see happy from where I'm at. Its not just that I'm sad. I'm ANGRY. I had started my training to run a half marathon. Yeah - i was in great shape! Then one day....The world toppled down on me. Combining not lifting weights, not running every day with making poor food choices and being depressed because I couldn't do what I wanted, then add in the IV treatments and the steroids, which caused more depression which caused more poor food choices and more eating - yeah I can see how I got here. I know I would have gained a lot of weight even without the poor food choices, but I just added insult to my own injury. I take full responsibility for Jack in the Box for dinner and breakfast nearly every day for quite a while. OH - and you bet that's a large fry with that. Diet coke, of course to drink. Or Iced tea - unsweetened! I'm on a diet, afterall!   I kick myself every day for making a bad situation worse. There's no telling what point I would be at if i had made better food choices. I know it wouldn't be at the 200 lb overweight mark. But maybe just 100 lbs. 100 lbs is doable! I can deal with that. But TWO HUNDRED?! What the hell did I do to myself? And all because I was sad that I couldn't run. Yeah. That makes sense. Now, I'm so far beyond being able to control this that I now have to have a device put in my stomach OR have 3/4 of my stomach removed in order to even be healthy. Uhm WHAT?!   I guess I'm an overachiever. I did in 2 years what it takes some to do in a lifetime!   But.   I'm addressing it now. I'm doing what I need to do to get healthy. It wasn't all that long ago. I don't need the pictures to remember what it was like to be a size 8/10. I remember how it felt. I remember that I could sit in any chair, climb a ladder, run stairs in 4 inch heels and put my feet behind my head *lol* it wasn't that long ago! So yeah - there's a bit of speed factor going on in my mind. But there's also a lot of "I don't wanna go through this again" going on too. But I know my lifestyle. I know what I want to do in the future and that tells me that its going to be the band or sleeve. Then I have to think about longevity - which again, is probably band. But can I just control it and do the sleeve? I just don't know that I want to alter my anatomy. But then again, if it was my foot that was killing me, I'd have that cut off....   So many thoughts. I know - meeting with the surgeon will really help. Buuuuut....the more I can work through in my mind first, the better.   *ramble*ramble*ramble*ramble*
circa

circa

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because....

because i like to be a pain in the ass, I called the insurance company - my visit to the surgeon for a consult has been APPROVED. :smile2: I'm going to call them and talk to them regarding it :tongue2:
circa

circa

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email

I got an email from my doctor yesterday - she has submitted to my insurance company for my approval. Now I'm just waiting to hear what the decision is. I can't imagine that I'd be denied. My BMI by the insurance company scale is 54.9, which hopefully will be considered 55 (never thought I'd be happy about that) - just means I can go right to surgery.
circa

circa

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Life begins.

I'm gathering a positive attitude. I've gotten so much taken care of, I'm off the steroids, I'm only on the necessary medications now. I feel a sense of relief knowing that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. My doctor has submitted for my approval for the surgery. Waiting on the insurance company now. After that, I get referred to the surgeon. I'm excited to get this going. I don't want to get my hopes up too far, but my BMI is high enough that I should be able to just go have the surgery done (never thought I'd be happy to have a high BMI). I wasn't going to have the surgery done locally because I live in a small town and there are a lot of nosey people around here. But I'm going to. Unfortunately, they don't do the surgery outpatient here yet. Though I might ask for it to be. We'll see. For as heavy and unhealthy as I am, I'm still pretty agile and strong. I don't have issues with breathing, no real co-morbities other than the ones my medications caused. I'm looking forward to this. To getting my life back. To strapping on a pair of running shoes and actually running again. I even bought a new pair. They're waiting for me.
circa

circa

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A new beginning

i'm starting over with my journey to have this surgery done. I thought maybe I could do it without -but I'm so heavy now, I don't even know where to start. I'm so lost in a sea of fat, that I can't find my way out by myself. I'm angry. At myself, at the insurance company, at doctors, at the people that screwed up the first time around and I wasn't able to have the surgery...but its a new day and I'm setting that anger into action to get things done better this time. I have a new insurance company (I have 2 of them, in fact!) So one way or another, I'm going to get my life back. It wasn't that long ago that I was happy and healthy. I need to be that person again.
circa

circa

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So yeah...

The doctor has changed my medications - I'm getting off the steroids as soon as possible (I have to be weaned) - Things aren't going that well with my treatments, but hopefully this changeup does some good. This will be the defining factor as to whether or not I go ahead with the surgery.
circa

circa

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reconsidering

I'm really going between having the surgery and not having the surgery. I mean, is it really going to benefit me? Do I want to go this route, or do I want to do it the way I always could before? I don't know. I have no clue what I really want to do. Do I need the surgery? No, I don't NEED it. I'm tired of the anxiety that this is creating - not the problems - that's not bothering me, just the anxiety that the thought of having this surgery is giving me. I don't know that its right for me, I really don't. If it bothers me to even tell my husband about it, can it really be right? I know that eventually, I will get my energy back. I know I'll be able to work very very hard and get the weight off. But do I want to wait for that? My big concern is that I don't want my family to see me like I am now. I'm embarrassed of what has happened to me. No, its not all my fault - but yeah, some of it is. I'm tired of the looks and stares - like when I go get a very very healthy smoothie - people look at me like "what's the fat lady doing getting something healthy???" - Someone actually said something once to the person they were with - and I retorted with "I'm sure it probably does make you feel better to pick on someone who's fatter than you, but how does it make you feel to pick on someone that has a dehabilitating disease that is treated with medications that make it nearly impossible to get out of bed because of the painful side effects and the enormous amount of weight gain caused by it - not to mention the chemo-like IV treatments - yeah. Are you on your way to the cancer ward now to laugh at the bald kids?" I thought the person was going to start to cry - GOOD - maybe next time they'll think twice.
circa

circa

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My Journey Begins...

So my psych eval is scheduled for next Friday. I'm actually kinda stoked to go to one of these. I've never had anything like that done. I mean, I went to a counselor as a kid when my parents got divorced because my mother made me go - which sucked - I didn't have anything to talk about She thought I was all Emo and I wasn't. I didn't like her, I had nothing to say to the shrink and that was about it. So she tried to put me in drug rehab - I'd never touched a drug in my life - meanwhile, my sister is smoking pot, getting drunk and dropping acid IN THE HOUSE and my mother is oblvious to it lol. Anyway - enough about my goofy childhood. I'm looking forward to the psych eval. My advocate is a hoot - she's just hilarious. She was giving me some questions that get asked - about my history - the fact that I'm divorced (I'm remarried now). Family life, blah blah blah. Anyway - She said they'll ask me about the fact that a doctor put me on anti depressants and the fact that I did take them - I took them under protest, went to see a new doctor (my current one) was diagnosed with a genetic liver disorder (doesn't affect the surgery - already checked! :confused: ) and taken off the anti-depressants because I didn't need them. All they did was make me an insomniac zombie and that was at a very low dose! I tell ya, there's people in my family that are on anti depressants that, they have worked absolute wonders for. But I'm not one that needs them. I went to about 15 doctors that told me that I was depressed and that's why I was having all these symptoms. I swear they get a kickback from the pharmaceutical companies! Then again, some doctors I believe, are past their prime and need to retire as well. Blah anyway. I have a whole laundry list of complaints about doctors and an even longer list of some amazing doctors I've known throughout my life. Here's hoping my newest one is going on the amazing list!
circa

circa

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