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About this blog

My internal dialogue :) 

 

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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

So with my surgery getting closer with every day, and now I have hit the 3 month mark, I have been reflecting on a lot of different things.  One of the most common phrases I find myself saying at the moment, especially to my boyfriend, are things along the lines of: "You'll love it when I am a skinny b***h, imagine how good I will look", or, " if you think I am attractive now, just wait until I am thin". All are extremely toxic, I am aware. I genuinely saw nothing wrong with what I was saying, but I realised that not only is this a lot of internalised fatphobia, I am also diminishing the love and attraction that my partner has for me now, in this body, MY body.  His response to me recently brought this home. He said: "I don't know why you keep saying that, because I love how  you are now and I find you f*****g hot as anything, and that won't change with you losing weight".  It really did shock me, although it shouldn't have. I realised I have just been putting myself down constantly, hoping for this "better me" to come along, and completely disrespecting who I am now.  I relate a lot of this back to my previous abusive relationship, where even though I was the smallest I have ever been at 12 stone, I was constantly picked on by my ex. He would pinch and poke the 'fat' parts of me, telling me that he couldn't wait to see what I looked like when I was skinny, and saying how he couldn't wait to be able to pick me up and throw me about when I was 'small', always comparing me to women who were slimmer. Even though that was back when I was 17-21 (I am now 27), it has clearly done its damage.  I need to change this narrative. I need to stop regurgitating the abuse that was put onto me by someone else. I need to learn to appreciate and love my body now, and how far it has gotten me. I need to trust that my boyfriend loves me right now for who I am, and I need to remind myself that I am worthy of that. Just some musings ❤️ 
 

Recent Therapy Session

So after my revelation yesterday, I had my weekly therapy session.  I have been going to therapy for almost a year now, mainly to help with my PTSD, and now moreso to address some of my trauma when it comes to my weight, and how that effects my emotional eating.  I brought up my thoughts to my therapist, and she agreed that it is self-perception, not how my loved ones are seeing me. I'll be the first to admit, that I don't particularly like being emotional in front of other people, and in the entire year I have been attending therapy, I have only cried in front of my therapist 2-3 times. I found it quite hard to hold back the tears during this session (though that didn't stop me) - I realised that I  have only really scratched the surface of the trauma I have from past relationships, and how that has completely tattered my self-image.  More than anything, I realise that now more than ever, I need to address this as I approach the beginning of my weight loss journey.  It is becoming more and more apparent, as everyone says, that surgery really is just a tool. It will give me that initial kick to lose weight so that I see the physical benefits: I will be in less pain, more able to get up and move about, more energy. I will *hopefully* feel more positive in myself and more confident. But the rest of the work, well, surgery can't do that for me. I am  responsible for changing my behaviour & attitude, and I think for me at least that starts with being kinder to myself.  I can't remember a time where I have been kind to my body, in how I treat it, and how I think about it.  I realise that if I want to be successful on this journey, I need to work on me as a whole, body and mind, or else success isn't something I'll be able to achieve. Old habits would creep in, and my expectations would be too high.  I am now attempting to drop the mindset of: "when I am skinny everyone will love me, and they will all treat me better and I will be an amazing person" - because truly, that has been my internal narrative, and I didn't see it as a negative until the other day. I need to rework it into: "I am me now, and I will be the same person on the inside even when I have lost weight. Those who I care about already love me and treat me with respect and care, and anyone who doesn't, isn't deserving of knowing me. Regardless of if I am 20 stone, or 11 stone. I am worthy of love". So, time to put my words into action 🤞🌸
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