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About this blog

Can be cursey.

Documentation of feelings and experiences as I begin prep for surgery in the near future.

Entries in this blog

 

Apparently other things not to do

I'm doing my count down diet before surgery on the 17th. I've been eating lots of premier protein, Greek yogurt, and chicken. I have a bad habit of slacking off on my water intake during my days off and it really bit me in the ass this week. I've been consuming quite a bit more protein and have taken out juice and milk as sources of fluid to drink. On top of that, I have been trying to stop drinking when I eat. Gave myself a kidney stone that felt like the worst thing ever.  Hopefully, since I'm 92oz deep in water consumption today and still going, my symptoms will clear and the stone will pass quickly. I have 8 days left till the surgery and I can't stop the swirl of information clouding my thoughts and making me space out. I've never had a anything more than a dental surgery before. I find this twilight exciting and confusing. I've rifled through youtube once again, looking at more and more videos of people who got their surgery and what they have dealt with. I keep wanting to take pictures of my facial hair to compare before and after but I can't stand the feeling of it. It drives me crazy. I hate it. I'm making one last attempt to let it grow a few days before surgery, but I won't place an expectation on myself that I'm not sure I can comfortably meet. It's so upsetting to me. I hate PCOS. I can't wait to have this tool to help change my life. When I get nervous, I just think about how happy I was when I was on the Ideal Protein diet and got down to 170. I was so hungry and dizzy all the time, but I was just so happy to be back in my old clothes again. Like I could just taste the hope every day was saturated in. I want to do this. I want to feel like myself again. If I need surgeries afterwards for loose skin, I don't care. I just want to get back to my life.
Makotodragon

Makotodragon

2
 

What not to do

Towards the end of February, I went to the psych eval, the one appointment that I was not looking forward to. I tried to find someone on my list of in-network physicians who would complete the mental health screening. Every mental health provider I called was unwilling. I went through 20 listings before giving up and scheduling something off insurance with the onsite psychiatrist for my hospital. I work graveyard shift, and her schedule was very packed, so I was awake most of the day, waiting in the office for her to get to me. I was hoping to slip in between scheduled appointments to get seen early, but luck was not on my side. The receptionist kept telling me that they couldn't take me early- I told her that I understood, but if I went home, I would sleep. And if that happened, they made it very clear that they would bill me anyway. When I finally got to see her, I was made to take a 200+ question test about random life aspects and opinions. My test focused somewhat on religion. How people feel better and find more support with religion and their faith guides them through tough times. I answered the equivalent of "does not describe me" for these types of questions, as I don't really identify with religion, despite living in the bible belt. When it was time for her to go over my questions, I was feeling manic and dizzy from lack of sleep and food. I was chatty and found her concern over my non religiousness a bit annoying. I also found that she was not impressed with my belief that everyone should have healthcare. When I explained that my husband was still on my insurance, even though we are going through a separation and I'm with someone else, she seemed concerned. I attempted to make it clear that this was in line with my belief that everyone deserves healthcare access and if I kicked him off my insurance, he would not be able to afford his medication. She wrapped up our meeting and suggested that I seek further counsel from a different source, as it would be a conflict of interest for her to see me again for this. I felt upset and helpless. I hate trying to convince someone I'm normal and sane through a test and 30 minutes of conversation. Especially when it seems that the opinions of the physician are tingeing their assessment. I was assigned 3 additional counseling sessions and I chose a person practicing close to the hospital that was available. He was able to schedule all of my sessions within 2 weeks of my initial evaluation, so it would not impact my overall schedule for surgery. I felt much more on edge now. When I went to his sessions, I generally let the silence stretch until he began to talk. It was like we were both testing the waters and I wasn't about to start the conversation. The last thing I wanted was to be assigned more sessions and risk my surgery date being pushed back. When he asked questions, I answered fully to the extent of my belief. He seemed a little more accepting of my atheism and "socialist" viewpoints. He assigned me reading and a questionnaire asking about what my goals are. I felt a little annoyed about being given homework like this. It felt like I was doing things that I view as unnecessary. Like, I'm paying you to give me homework? The reading was a book about codependency- from the 80's. The author made several contradictory points about the subject and the majority of the material was about being in a codependent relationship with a drug addict. I felt it wasn't relevant to me and I felt more than a little offended that he thought I needed tips on not controlling others with money and expecting love in return. I agonized about the homework questions. It felt like being in an interview and being asked what your biggest flaw is for the first time- and you have to paint this picture of "well golly, I guess it's my honesty and integrity." Basically "my flaw is not really a flaw, now let me dazzle you with my wordplay." What should I write? Was this sounding too "codependent"? I felt like I couldn't answer honestly with my first choice of words because it would be misconstrued. I still told the truth, I just felt that I had to be selective about wording and what I felt. The second session I made a point that I was not codependent with my ex- I just honestly believe that he should have access to his rather expensive medication without going into debt. He was not asking me to keep him on my insurance, nor was this something I was doing to keep him indebted to me. My point was made and the therapist said he didn’t see any reason why I shouldn’t be allowed to have the surgery. The last visit consisted of me waiting for him to talk and trying to remain as level as possible. I didn’t want to seem too happy that I was done with our little chats. It’s silly, but I felt awkward- like I was breaking up with him. My schedule has not been interrupted. I’m still scheduled for 04/17!
Makotodragon

Makotodragon

0
 

Step 4

My current OBGYN has referred me to the bariatrics team at LGMC. He advised that there were other, pharmacological forms of treatment that we could try before using surgery as a solution, but I was insistent that I needed to take this next step as all that I’ve tried has failed and I didn’t hold out much hope for other "similar but different" treatment options, let alone I was afraid of being kicked off of insurance before finding/completing treatment. I weigh 242lbs. I went to a mandatory seminar at LGMC within a week of seeing the doctor. I was worried it was going to be more of the same, trying to talk me out of surgery as an option, citing it was “easy to lose weight, fatty”. To my joy, that was not the case. They took my insurance card and my weight. I sat through a presentation about the different surgeries offered by one of the laparoscopic surgeons. I was visibly the smallest, youngest person there. It has made me think that I am less worthy of a surgery. I don’t know. I just feel like I might be thought less deserving of this tool. The nurses advised they would use my insurance information to call and check on coverage and call me back within a week. I felt giddy. Elated. Just, lighter. Relieved. I got a call back promptly from the surgery center and have scheduled my first meeting with a surgeon. The nurse also let me know that the only requirement from my insurance was to have a psychiatric evaluation. Our first meeting is scheduled 02/21/2017. I'm excited to meet the surgeon although just the appointment  is $250! I will be calling them Monday to see how much the surgery will cost and what my out of pocket will be-if they know. This money will be contributed to the total amount of surgery if I go through them, but if they are 5k more than someone else, I might want to look at other options. I hate to let my frugal flag fly, but money is not disposable to me. While it is important that I go through a reputable surgeon, I can’t bankrupt myself doing so. There must be a balance. Their program and facility are very impressive, though. I know someone who went through self-pay with them. They have a very involved team for the bariatric surgery center, and a high success rate. I think they put a lot of effort into it because we live in the south with a high rate of morbid obesity and a culture of “clean your plate”, so it’s easy to fall right back into bad habits. The first ingredient in many things my family cooks is butter. My adopted family is French – Lebanese, several family members have wrestled with weight gain over the years. On my birth mothers side, they are Italian- American with few weight issues in immediate family. My paternal grandmother, it seems, lived with undiagnosed PCOS, and I pulled the short straw when it came to inheriting those genes. Though, I am the tallest, so nyah! I feel nervous about the evaluation. I know why it’s necessary. I just worry about being denied and having to start over or something. Unfounded worries about something that probably isn't that bad. Reading everyone's posts here has done a lot for my internal dialogue. I feel like if I keep a level head and don't stress about everything coming up, take everything one step at a time, I will be ok.
Makotodragon

Makotodragon

0
 

History

I feel like for the past ten years I have been a hostage to my body fucking itself up despite my efforts. In 2006, when I was gaining ten pounds a month and clothing stopped fitting all of a sudden, I got really depressed and scared. I was diagnosed with PCOS and unceremoniously put on diabetes medication, metformin, which made me ill every time I ate. I felt like I was being punished for existing. My doctor didn’t help, he was dismissive of my symptoms and uncaring of progress, next steps, or helping me manage my pcos. I would stop gaining for a bit and buy new clothes only to outgrow them again. Despite being on medicine. Despite eating less than I always have. I felt like I was making an effort to be active but I wasn’t getting any results. I didn’t really know what I should be doing and I felt like I didn’t have resources for help. When I moved home in 2009 I maintained my weight at 180 by walking around college campus all day. When I was done with my coursework, my weight spiked again. There was a brief time in 2012 when I went on a ketosis diet that assisted in helping me lose sixty pounds (Ideal Protein). I was always hungry and short tempered. It was expensive and taught me nothing but that I hate dieting to the point of ridiculousness. What’s the point of being hungry all day? Why is it $320 a month when I still have to buy my own food? I was literally spending most of my money on this diet. 160lbs When my husband got his kidney transplant, and was able to eat phosphorous rich foods again, I ate with him. I was at 200lbs before long. I noticed I would eat more and more. I constantly felt hungry. My emotional state was supplemented with sweets and as I gained more weight than I had before, I entered a cycle of emotional eating and stress. I bounced around from OBGYN to PCP, asking for help, advising that I had been diagnosed with PCOS and had tried birth control and metformin. They didn’t seem interested in helping me. I got new insurance and started the search for help all over again. I felt like I was just going through the list of every OBGYN in town. None of them really wanted to help me, unless it was to manage it just enough to get pregnant. Which, really, isn’t managing it either. I felt bad for the people trying to get pregnant with pcos, as they were going to go back to struggling with it once they had their kid. The OBGYNs only wanted a baby born, not treatment and longer term management. Most of them didn’t know what to tell me when I was talking seriously about trying to get my life over this hurdle. One offered me dietary cinnamon tea. In 2013, I had a cancer scare and LEEP surgery performed at a local hospital. I was so upset, I started crying after the surgery and explained that I was trying to manage PCOS on my own with no help or meds and this was a glimpse of my future that I didn’t want. The doctor reassured me that they could help. I transferred my medical records and set up a follow up annual exam, for the first time I felt hopeful. This was a mistake. My next exam at that facility I was basically told that I didn’t know what I was talking about, that I was just fat and needed to lose the weight. This female doctor said all of this in front of an intern. I fought with administration about how I was treated, but no one cared. They dismissed me with callousness.
As my career in computers continued, my google-fu got better and I started looking online for resources to help me deal with what my body was doing. I stumbled upon the name of the medical field that this falls under- aside from obstetrics, endocrinology. I went to a local endocrinologist and he put me on victoza, understood what I was going through and was sympathetic to trying to help me. Not long afterwards, I changed jobs and lost my insurance. I began working in a stressful environment and my home life was not helping. I did get insurance again and was able to find a good OBGYN who took on the role of my endocrinologist in trying to help get my pcos under control. (Since the two fields of medicine kind of overlap here, he was able to prescribe what I needed.) I was also given a birth control implant, as I have always wanted one, and to get away from the pill. I was so happy. My doctor trusted me to tell him the medication that I had gone through and seemed interested in working with me to find something that worked. I let him know I had been through several “low dose” pills, metformin, spironolactone and victoza in an attempt to bring my pcos to heel. The only thing that at least helped my weight plateau was victoza. Without issue, he prescribed my medication and worked with me to try new dosages to see if anything would help. I had gotten up to 250lbs at this point. I was able to lose 30lbs pretty quickly but became stuck at 220lbs. I also had a new PCP. I started taking amitriptyline for migraine prevention and Prozac for helping me cope with anger and tension. I left my husband in December 2015. I left my stressful job in April 2016. Still my weight climbs and my clothes don’t fit for long. I find it depressing to go out and do anything that I did before, just about. It is depressing to have to squeeze into places that no one else has a problem getting to, and to feel like you are holding your friends back because you are so over weight that you can’t do simple things without special consideration. I worked out for a few months. I threw up every time I did. Treadmill. Bikes. Stretching and walking. I can’t do anything without throwing up. I feel like nothing is working. I shouldn’t feel like I haven’t eaten anything all day, to the point of weakness, when I ate a meal 6 hours prior. I shouldn’t keep gaining weight when I am eating healthier and taking the stairs and working out. I shouldn’t throw up every time I work out, no matter how "easy" I take it. I feel like these aren’t things that should be considered “expecting too much”. I shouldn’t have a scratchy, patch beard that never goes away no matter how much I pluck it. I shouldn’t be getting thick black hair on my breasts. Why can someone put such a miniscule amount of effort in and see results, but I am stuck on this downward spiral? I feel so frustrated by all of this. And I definitely know I am not alone, it’s just hard to be surrounded with people who don’t have to really deal with this in the angle that I am.
Makotodragon

Makotodragon

0
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