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About this blog

My Journey to thin...oh right, I meant to say healthy (cause that's way more important....Right???)

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Day 13....no solid food.....ugh....

So, today is 11 days post-op. I'm doing pretty well. My incisions are healing fabulously. I'm walking every day. Now, with this I should put in a disclaimer...I walk every day in bursts. LOL. I still get tired pretty easily. If I can keep my mind occupied, then I can walk for a longer time than when I'm trying to do household chores or something like that. For instance, my mom and I went to Burlington Coat Factory. That store is so much trouble! LOL I kept falling in love with all the clothes that I'll be able to wear once I reach my goal weight. Plus their housewares area is unreal. Such great prices! I was able to walk around the store for about a half hour before I REALLY had to sit down somewhere. And I've noticed, standing still....not a real great idea. It makes me more sore and wears me out so much faster than actually walking around. Even a week and a half out I'm still pretty sore in my tummy. But again, that soreness is usually amplified by sitting in one place too long. Like tonight playing Castle Panic with the family because it's Saturday - Family game night. It's a tradition we instigated several months ago where my kids, me, and my mom all get together for pizza and games and/or movies. It's a time for family bonding and it's almost always awesome. Only time it isn't awesome is when one of us is not feeling good or is in a rotten mood and pretty much kills it for all of us. It's life. It happens. Thankfully, it doesn't happen often. Tonight was hard though. I LOVE pizza. Hot pizza. Cold Pizza. Cold Pizza for breakfast. Cold Pizza for lunch. Hot pizza for supper. Veggie pizza, meat pizza, everything pizza, pineapple and ham/canadian bacon pizza...just no jalepenos please. LOL. I even found out before surgery that BBQ Chicken pizza isn't bad either! After not eating anything solid for 13 straight days, the smell of that pizza everyone was enjoying was so hard to endure even though I was "full" from my protein shakes, broth, and water. Believe me, drinking an once of fluid every 15 minutes with a tummy the size of an egg keeps me pretty full all the time. I have an alarm set on my phone to go off every 15 minutes to remind me to sip some water. I've made it my theme song. It's Rachel Platton's Fight song. I felt it appropriate since I'm fighting to take my life back from my food demons.  The other hard part is dealing with the people in my life who are resistant to change. Like my oldest son. He wasn't happy about me getting this surgery. At all. He likes having something to hold on to that's more than the skin and bones that he is built like. He doesn't like change of any kind. He's fought his senior year every step of the way because it means change. He still doesn't understand that change is inevitable. And you can either roll with it, or be rolled over by it. I used to thrive on change. Until 2013 happened and there was so much change in so little time that my mind couldn't deal with it and pretty much ceased to function correctly. I fight every day to get my mind to function as it once did. To thrive on change again would be such a blessing. But my son. He has never dealt with change well. So, instead of supporting me, he teases me. Just like his father used to do every time I tried a diet or tried to lose weight. He'd purposely get something that I could not eat. That he knew I couldn't eat. And he'd bring it to me and say "Here hon, look what I got you. A chocolate glazed donut with bavarian cream filling. Your favorite. Oh...that's right. You can't have these can you? I'm so sorry. I guess I'm just going to have to eat it myself." And then he'd proceed to eat one of my favorite donuts in front of me, pretending to savor every last morsel. My son hasn't been quite as cruel as his father was, but he'd get a kiwi and slice and eat it and slurp the sweet juice from it and say things like "Gee, mom, don't you just wish you could have one of these right now?" Then he'd laugh and finish eating his kiwi and walk away. Or, hey mom, don't you just wish you could have a slice of this delicious pizza. I'm so sorry you can't. It's SOOOO good!" So, that's been really hard the last week or so. I really didn't care the first week because I really just wasn't hungry for anything at all. I had no appetite. Nothing sounded good, nothing tasted good. Not particularly. And after 4 days of chocolate shakes I was ready to scream. Now, after 2 solid weeks of nothing solid and only sweet protein shakes...I've already got supper for next Thursday, Friday, and Saturday planned out! Salmon,  bunless Turkey burgers, and pizza!!!! with sauteed zucchini and mushrooms....mashed cauliflower......stewed tomatoes.....asparugus, spinach, tilapia, cottage cheese!!!!! Yogurt! OMG, I'm making myself so hungry...I really need to stop. See, I don't see my surgeon again until May 4. The last time I ate anything solid was April 16. 17.5 days without anything solid to eat. I'm about to go mad. But it will be okay. I know I can do this. I have to do this. I saw my primary care person yesterday. (She's a nurse practitioner, so technically not Dr, but might as well be.) My weight there was 258. Actually one pound less than what I was the morning of my surgery! She took me completely off my diabetes medicine. And I see her again in 6 weeks. Then, she's sure she's going to be taking me off my blood pressure medicine and my thyroid medicine. So, I'll be down to only the medicines for my back pain and my acid reducer, so 3 medications! Quite a change from the 7 or 8 I've been taking the past few years. I'm really excited. Well, that's all the updates I can think of right now guys. Oh!  But let me tell you something about those 4 in 1 protein shakes (you know, the ones that have all the vitamins already in them so you don't have to swallow a handful of vitamins quite yet or chew those nasty tasting chewable).... If you get the vanilla flavor (I imagine it could work with chocolate too, but not with as much variety) you can add things like the Sugar Free Orange Crush water flavoring to the mix and if you drink it cold, it tastes just like an orange creamcicle! Raspberry Ice is really good too. Cherry is okay, but not one of my favorites. You can add unsweetened cocoa  powder to the mix to make a chocolate. Add Unsweetened cocoa powder along with the Raspberry Ice to make a chocolate raspberry shake. There's so many possibilities. The only problem I've found is that you get really tired of the sweet stuff all day every day. I look forward to supper when I have my cup of Bone Broth (the beef is my favorite) It's by Great Value if you have a walmart in your area. It's the only broth that I found in the entire store that has 7 grams of protein per serving. All the other broths only had a whopping 2 grams of protein per serving!!!! Anyway, nature is now calling again (one of the drawbacks to constantly drinking...lol) Praying for healthy, happy, love filled days for you and yours!
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

1
 

4 days post op

Well folks, I'm four days out of surgery. This is my 3rd day home. Things haven't been too bad. The gas was horrendous this go round though. This is the 9th laporoscopic surgery I have had in 19 years. The gas this time felt so much like the first time. It kept going into my left shoulder. At one point I thought I was having a heart attack it hurt so bad. However, with a lot of walking the halls and a lot of morphine, the pain subsided. The morphine didn't help the gas pain a whole lot, but did help the incision pain.  I was actually doing really well up until about 4:30 this morning when one of my fur babies decided to use my tummy as a springboard. Jumped and landed square in the middle of my tummy that little fur ball did and leapt right  back off. I ended up waking two of my kids I was in so much pain and haven't really been able to snap back out of it so far. All I really want to do is sleep. My mom did take me and 2 of my kids to get one of our adopted strays his vaccines and microchipped this morning though. I really have to remember not to take a pain pill and an anti nausea pill and my propranolol together though. I was so loopy you would have sworn I was drunk. Good thing mom was driving! I also figured out why my clinician head nurse said not to check my weight until my two week checkup on the 4th. When I checked into the hospital I was lower than I've been in in at least a decade. I weighed 259.2. I was literally doing a happy dance! Before I left the hospital the clinic's nurse said they stopped weighing people when they leave the hospital because 99% of the time your weight will be higher during the two weeks post op than it was going in. Boy! was she right! You know when someone tells you you should't do something but the curiosity to find out if they're right totally supersedes common sense? Yeah, that's what happened to me. See, she said not to weigh until the 2 week checkup if I had a scale at home. That the water retention, bloating, gas, and swelling from the surgery would make the weight go up significantly but that I'd lose it back off fairly quickly. So, like a deer in the middle of the road that can't move when she sees an oncoming car, I weighed myself yesterday morning. I was 269.5! I was about heartbroken. Today I weighed again and I was 264.3. So I think I'll be fine. I swear I'm a glutton for punishment. I'm really looking forward to my 2 week checkup, though. I want to see how well I've done on my 2 week liquid diet.   Things are really weird for me. Commercials that made me drool and want things (like Olive Garden and Pappa John's pizza) I look at and think it looks disgusting. I really hope I don't end up anorexic. Nothing looks or sounds good. My clinic is so awesome though because for two weeks post of I get to have a 4in1 shake. It's Celebrate ENS+Iron 4 in 1 meal replacement with all my vitamins already in it, so I don't have to swallow the vitamins. After the 2 weeks though, I have to start taking the oral vitamins again. Along with biotin and thiamine and omeprazole, and calcium, and , and, and.... I have to set a timer to go off every 15 minutes to remind me to drink. The only reason I feel like drinking is my mouth is so danged dry. And I'm COLD! omg. Nobody warned me about the way the surgery would affect my temperature thingy! During the winter months (it sometimes will drop down into the single digits here) I usually keep the furnace thermostat set between 69 and 72.  Mainly for the kids. The cold never bothered me. Until now! It got to 69 in the house today and I swear I'm freezing to death! So, for the first time since the beginning of spring, I have turned on the furnace.  Anyway, I'm about ready for  a walk and family game night and another nap. I'll keep you all updated as I progress. Heavens bless and protect you in your journey through this thing we call life!  
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

3
 

Tomorrow's the day!

I can't believe it's the day before surgery! Six months has flown by. As of this morning (according to my scale) I am at 262. Today is clear liquid only and if I thought the past week of two protein shakes and one meal was hard and I was hungry all day...I woke up hungry and can't eat anything for the next two weeks or more depending on when my followup appointment is. Ugh. At least after tomorrow morning it shouldn't be too bad from what I've heard since my tummy will be so much smaller. I hope everyone's right. LOL! I'm just looking forward to more energy. That is the biggest thing because for the last week I have had zero energy. Anyway, short entry for now. Talk to you laters!
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

1
 

Tomorrow's the day!

I can't believe it's the day before surgery! Six months has flown by. As of this morning (according to my scale) I am at 262. Today is clear liquid only and if I thought the past week of two protein shakes and one meal was hard and I was hungry all day...I woke up hungry and can't eat anything for the next two weeks or more depending on when my followup appointment is. Ugh. At least after tomorrow morning it shouldn't be too bad from what I've heard since my tummy will be so much smaller. I hope everyone's right. LOL! I'm just looking forward to more energy. That is the biggest thing because for the last week I have had zero energy. Anyway, short entry for now. Talk to you laters!
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
 

The day before

I can't believe it's the day before surgery! Six months has flown by. As of this morning (according to my scale) I am at 262. Today is clear liquid only and if I thought the past week of two protein shakes and one meal was hard and I was hungry all day...I woke up hungry and can't eat anything for the next two weeks or more depending on when my followup appointment is. Ugh. At least after tomorrow morning it shouldn't be too bad from what I've heard since my tummy will be so much smaller. I hope everyone's right. LOL! I'm just looking forward to more energy. That is the biggest thing because for the last week I have had zero energy. Anyway, short entry for now. Talk to you laters!
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
 

1 Week Away!

So, I just went for my final diet and exercise appointment April 3. I had gained 5 pounds in a month! I nearly died right there on the spot. The nurse practitioner I saw was not a happy camper and told me to be mindful and prepare in advance for trips and such. How do you prepare in advance for eating on a 4 hour one way trip?! 1.) I can't afford that much jerky!!! and 2.) The trip itself is very limited on the kinds of eating establishments along the particular route I had to take. My Nutritionist and Exercise guru on the other hand was actually not too upset. He said I was still under my starting weight and that I was actually doing pretty darned good despite the weight gain. He also noted that the weight gain could be the fact that I began bicycling again after several years and that I have probably developed some good thigh muscles, which would add weight in the short term and then help lose the weight in the long term. The fact that I've bicycled every weekend since I got my bike is awesome. The first two weekends pretty much did me in though!  The first Saturday that my and my family bicycled was a killer! We bicycled I don't know how far. I know it was over 5 miles...it had to be! By the time we got back to the car my legs no longer wanted to function and I literally collapsed in the grass next to the driveway because my leg literally could not hold my weight. So, naturally for me, I had an anxiety/panic attack wondering if I'd be able to get back up so I could drive us home. The next weekend it was just my youngest son and me. We rode 4 miles and took a rest halfway at subway for lunch. Then finished riding home. I had to walk up two hills that ride compared to the several the weekend before. Last weekend we (my boys and I) rode 7 miles! I was so proud!  Now, back to my appointment....I talked to my patient care coordinator before I left my final diet and excersise appointment to double check and make sure everything was ready to submit to Medicaid for approval. She said it should be about a week or two before we would hear anything back. Mind you this was Monday, April 3, 2017. On Friday, mind you this was only 4 days later, I got a call from my PCC. She asked if I was ready to schedule my surgery! I could not believe it! Already? They approved it that fast?! Others that I had talked to dealing with medicaid said that they had to wait a month to a month and a half! I felt so blessed! I still feel blessed. She asked if I'd have the money together by pre-op day. I asked her when that was. It's this Wednesday!  It doesn't seem possible!  THIS WEDNESDAY! I told her no problem. When can we get the surgery scheduled? Do you think we can have it done by the end of the month or the first week in May? She asked me "How does April 18 sound?"  April 18? APRIL 18!!! That's like less than 2 weeks away! I started crying and she was laughing cause i was so happy i was crying. Well, she thought it was happy tears, but in reality it was happy mixed with terrified tears.  OMG I was sitting here thinking I had at least another month to wrap my head around this (like 6 months hasn't been enough)  Now, I am so thoroughly excited! I start my mostly liquid diet tomorrow to begin shrinking my liver. 2 shakes a day and a regular meal. Gee, just like slim fast, but better! LOL! And next Monday it's all clear liquid. The only major bad part right now is no pain meds at all until after surgery because the pain management doctor hasn't been able to get a hold of my PCP to get my meds changed off the NSAIDs and the Wellbutrin I take (and doesn't help) for my depression. Since I have fibromyalgia (Yay! finally got a confirmed diagnosis a month ago! after 4 years of trying) So, I'm dealing with a lot of back nerve pain right now and will be until my doctors can get together on stuff. Joy. The waiting of the doctors that have everything to do with everything NOT pertaining to my weight loss. LOL I'm still excited though. And I'll trudge through the rest. Oh, and by the way, for all you non believers in the Heavens above...be careful what you ask/pray for because you just might get it. See, 4 years ago on April 18 I got a call that would change my life forever and lead me on a downward spiral that I'm actually still trying to crawl out of. I think I'm reaching the top most days, but it's still difficult on a lot of days. Anyway, April 23, 2013 my husband of 14 years committed suicide. This was actually one of the best things that could have happened. I know that's horrible to say, but to say that he was very sick at the time would be an understatement. So, I prayed a couple months ago that I could have my surgery on April 23 of this year. It would be a new birthday of sorts to borrow someone's phrase I saw today. It would be a reset day. The day that my life begins anew. New health. New happiness. New chances. New me. Well, I realized soon after that prayer was made that that would not be possible. April 23 is a Sunday. No surgeries that day. So I blew it off. No big deal. No matter what day my surgery ends up being, it will be a new beginning. Instead He answered my prayer by my surgery being scheduled on the anniversary of the day I got a fateful call that turned my world upside down. So, you see, He did grant my prayer. He just knew that the 18th would be a better "reset" day than the 23rd. 
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
 

Closer

So, it's been a while since I've written anything. I totally needed to get on here and do that. I actually have a whopping 22 days until my final nutrition (Diet and Exercise) appointment before the clinic sends my paperwork into Medicaid for approval and schedules my surgery!!!!! 22 days and about a week later I'll be scheduled. It's getting so much closer so much more quickly than I could possibly imagine! Got the family's bikes ordered and they should be ready by next weekend, just in time for St Patty's Day. Being of Irish decent, this is a big deal for me. Can't wait to get my brisket and cabbage and carrots. I'm going to have my mashed cauliflower "potatoes" to go with. We're still shooting for the end of April, the beginnign of May for the surgery. I'm hoping that with the surgery along with the therapy I'm doing now, I'll be successful and be down to 175 by Christmas. That is my goal right now. Be no more than 190 by Christmas, but if I can make 175 by then, I'm going to be ecstatic! It's getting closer every day. So I think it's possible.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
 

New beginnings

Embarking on this journey of weighing less means a lot of things to me. It means, essentially, becoming a different person yet staying the same. It means starting a new lifestyle. It means getting healthy. It means letting go of things that are weighing me down mentally while getting rid of what's weighing me down physically. It means letting go of unrealistic ideas regarding relationships and accepting some relationships are only meant to be friendships and nothing more. It's realizing that people that I thought were ancient history, that I only think about once in a blue moon, have actually been thinking about me too. An uncommon relationship that spans the miles that was long gone remarkably resurfaced tonight. How strange that this person crossed my mind for the first time in months just a week or two ago. I haven't thought about him in a long time. And he messages me tonight. I wonder where this will lead. Will he be willing to do what he wasn't willing to all those years ago? Here's to new beginnings.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
 

Self Conscious in V.S.

Today was a big step for me in facing my anxieties around people. I haven't enjoyed going to the mall in years. My daughter needed some new jeans and so my mom and I went to JCP because that's where her favorite jeans are sold. I had every intention of only going into JCP and getting a pair of jeans and leaving again. Well, it turned out that they were having a hum dinger of a sale. There was a $72 dress that was marked down to $1.97. No, that isn't a typo. It really was only two dollars! (I ended up getting it for my daughter because it was adorable and happened to be her size.  My mom has needed new clothes forever and refuses to buy herself any based on the premise that she doesn't want to buy anything until she loses some weight or has a little bit more money or any other excuse she can come up with. I do not like to go out by myself unless it's to the nature trail over by the lake where I can hike down to the water and hide and write or read by myself without anyone tripping over me or anything like that. Or riding my bike without too many other people around. I just do not like being around people unless they are people I know well.  Before I took little girl back to school after her shots, I had to stop by the house to get my oldest some clothes since he really wasn't prepared for the temperature to be half of what it was yesterday. I ran in and told mom to get her arse in gear cause she was coming with me to run errands. She didn't want to be alone any more than I did today. For a totally different reason, but same feeling all the same. So, she got dressed and we got the clothes to the oldest and dropped off middle child. We then proceeded to run errands, eventually running to JCP. Since there were so many really cute tops for between $2 and $5, I had mom pick out a couple and I got those for her for Valentine's Day. She loved them, but said she needed a "nude" bra to wear with them because hers would show through the materials. I did the only thing I could...took her to Victoria Secret to get her a "nude" bra like her favorite. This meant traversing the dreaded mall. I hate the mall. There are way too many people at the mall. Poor mom though. I don't like the mall, so I walk kind of fast to get from one place to the next whenever I have to traverse the mall. Mom doesn't have as long of a stride as I do, so she ends up putting in 1.5-2 steps more than me whenever we're out together.  When we got to Victoria's Secret I (as always) fell in love with the majority of the bras and panties they have throughout the store. The problem with oooing and aaahing over those sexy undergarments is that it's embarrassing to get caught by one of their personnel that are the size of toothpicks when I'm the size of two of them put together. But while mom's trying on her bras what am I supposed to do? I wander around doing laps around the store muttering to myself "okay mom...hurry up. I'm ready to get out of here now". I can't wait until I am small enough to actually fit into some of these gorgeous underwear. I don't know when I'd be able to afford it again, but omg, I can't wait. I just wish that in the interim I didn't feel like people were laughing at me for even stepping foot in there. I wish I didn't feel like they were talking about me behind my back to their coworkers. I just wish I didn't feel like they were about to ask me what I was thinking by contaminating their store with my oversized presence. I kind of doubt anyone was actually thinking that, but that was how I was feeling. It's how I always feel when I go into one of those shops. I wonder if I'm going to feel the same once all the weight is gone. If I'll feel like an imposter when I go looking for things to wear from there.  Since I start therapy in two days, I really hope not. Time will only tell.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
 

I think so

When I started these entries I asked the question "Am I Ready For This?" At the time, I actually didn't know. I hoped I was. I thought I was. I think I finally know I am. Exercise is a daily thing now instead of just thinking about it. I may not be doing a lot right now (I managed to walk a mile and a half today and yesterday), but I'm getting there. It depends on where I walk and what my back is feeling like, but I'm getting there.  Today my two boys and I walked an upper neighborhood near our house selling chocolates for a fundraiser to fund his very last school trip in June after he graduates. Sold the whole box! I'm really proud of him. It took a lot for him to face his anxiety about talking to people. Some of the people were very funny, buying out all of one kind of chocolate bar. One family even knew my son's band director from when their daughters were in band. It was so awesome being able to walk the neighborhood with my boys and I kept thinking how much easier it's going to be once I lose the weight I want to lose.  I'm getting a bike (I hope) this week and will be able to start riding again and hopefully be able to work up to 30 miles. Except I'm figuring it will actually be 60 miles if I go the whole trail and back! Maybe mom's going to have to meet me up there with the bike rack! LOL! 
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

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Activity

As S Day quickly approaches, I start thinking about all the things that I'll be able to do again that I can't do now without difficulty. I can't bicycle very far anymore. I can't hike anymore without having to take a break every 10 steps it seems. I can't mountain climb because I can't lift my body up with my own legs because I weigh too much. I can't run without feeling like collapsing 10 feet from the beginning of where I start. I can't fast dance even one song without my lungs feeling like my lungs are going to explode. I can't ride most rollercoasters. I don't fit in the seats. I'll never forget how embarrassed I was when my oldest was about 2 years old and my husband and I went to six flags over Texas with him and I wanted to ride the Superman ride and was turned away because I was too fat to fit in the seat and bring the restraining arms down far enough to buckle it.  After April and some hard work, I'll be able to ride that rollercoaster. I'll be able to rock climb again. I'll be able to hike through Devil's Den and go spelunking and actually fit through some of the smaller crevices in the cave. I'll be able to probably leave my kids in the dust while hiking to the cave. I'll be able to bicycle, hopefully with relative ease, from Fayetteville to Bentonville. A 30 mile bicycle ride. Along with a size 9, that is my goal. To be able to ride the Square to Square trail next year and be in a size 9 for the first time in my entire life (including childhood). When I was a kid I wore a size 6X for a long time. I don't remember any other size until size 12. So, a size 9 would be totally amazing.  There are so many activities that I'm looking forward to doing both again and for the first time that my surgery will help me achieve.  I can't wait!
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
 

Psych Eval today

Psych evals are notoriously stressful things to get through  during the pre-op phase of preparation for S-Day. (Surgery Day). Today was no exception for me. Thankfully, there wasn't an appointment time. I just had to be at an office over an hour away from my clinic and home somewhere between 8am and 12pm. The lady that got things set up was really nice. She filled out a piece of paper and led me into an adjoining room next to her where there were three desks, one of which held a computer, and three filing cabinets, a pencil holder full of sharpened pencils, and a scantron sheet with 576 T/F bubbles on it along with a book full of questions that belonged to those 576 answer bubbles.  I start the test and the nice lady knocks on the closed door, comes in, and tells me that there's a slight problem. The psychologist is supposed to interview me after I finish the test, but he has to leave and it's unknown when he will be back. So I may have to finish the test and schedule another appointment to see the psychologist. I'm going "oh great!  I drive over an hour to get here and now I may have to come back!". But I just played the part of a deranged penguin and continued to fill in bubbles while smiling and nodding my head while responding "That's okay". So totally not okay, but can I say that? no. She apologizes and leaves. A couple of minutes later she returns and lets me know that the psychologist is going to meet with me before he leaves. "Yay! I don't have to come back another day!" She leaves again and comes back a few minutes later to take me to the psychologist. He talked to me for about 20 minutes asking generally about my medical history, both physical and mental and lets me know he'll fax his okay to my Dr. tomorrow. It takes me another 2 hours to finish taking that written test. I'm just curious if that test tells the same thing the last one of those I took told. Hmmm...can't wait to find that one out.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

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Thank yous and I'm sorrys

To say I've been in a dark and depressing mood the past few days is a mild understatement.  Okay, a major understatement! People I thought were friends haven't been there for me when I needed them the most. And perfect strangers reached out, not knowing me at all and sending words of encouragement. To those strangers, I thank you. Your kindness means the world to me.  Mostly I'm sorry I got as dark as I did. I really am trying to see someone about it, but like my "friends", they said they can't see me right now. Oh wells! I'll see them a week from tomorrow, probably bouncing off the walls happy.  I'm doing okay now, though. I got back on the wagon today. I have a goal to lose at least another 10 pounds by April 22. I also decided that is going to be my goal date for surgery. I know that this date is highly contingent upon my surgeon, but I am praying that this will be my day to shine. Well, I'm rarely shining right after surgery, but you know what I mean. See, a little background history about me. I met my husband on February 5, 1995. We went on our very first date on February 14 of the same year and became a couple four days later until April 11, 2013. When I was telling my new therapist about him during my intake I lost count of how many times she said "He had some serious mental problems". I already knew that and it was the reason I filed for divorce because he wouldn't get help for those problems. He committed suicide on April 22, 2013 after he got the divorce papers. Left a message for me on Facebook that read in his status "Til Death Do Us Part". To say that's messed with me over the years is another major understatement.  Therefore, I think having my surgery on April 22 would be a perfect way to begin again. To put my fat and him behind me once and for all. For me. For my kids. For us. As a kind stranger told me, it's time to let go of the past. And that's exactly what I intend to do. God Bless and Protect you always.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

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Darkness

What do you do when the darkness seems to engulf you?   February is always a really hard month for me and right now, looking out my window at the grey sky and the bare trees and remembering the good and the bad of the last 21 years, all I want to do is curl into a little, itty bitty, teeny tiny ball under my covers and hide. I want to go to that place in my mind that seems to hold me as a happy prisoner. A beautiful place that never rains, the sky are always blue with white puffy clouds (you know the kind that you can imagine pictures out of). A crystal blue pond with a full willow tree that you can sit beneath and take in all the beauty around you while you peak through the many branches.   Yesterday was the 21st anniversary of the first time I met my husband of over 14 years. We went on our first date that Valentine's Day. We became a couple four days later when I stole his fedora in the lobby outside my college French class. 18 years later I found out that he was not the person I thought he was. I realized he had multiple mental health issues that he refused to seek help for along with some that I didn't find out about until after I had filed for divorce. The day that he got the divorce papers, he decided that he couldn't live without me and our children. He committed suicide that day in April 4 years ago.   Despite the things he did, the problems he had, I never stopped loving him. Most of his family doesn't realize this or believe this. It's taken years to be in the presence of his mother without getting a look that says "You're a pariah and should be exterminated".   When the darkness engulfs me, as it is today, I just don't care. About close to anything. I don't care what I look like. I don't care what I eat. I could eat everything or I could eat nothing. I'm trying so hard to be conscientious of this today. So hard. My back is hurting and my shoulders are burning because of the weather, but I'm in a place where it doesn't matter right now. All that matters is that I'm alone with my thoughts, my memories - both good and bad. The memories of our first date together where he met me in the student union with a glass filled with hershey kisses and tied with a red ribbon. The memories of the last time I ever saw him alive where I had a glimmer of hope that he would get the mental help he needed and that we could at least still be friends and not enemies. And then all the memories in between.   I want to eat right now. I want to bake, actually. I want to bake decadent chocolate cupcakes. I want to bake chocolate chip cookies. I want to bake pear and apple tarts. I want to bake anything and everything because when I'm baking I can disappear. I can dive into a recipe and tweak it, perfect it, change the flavor and add to it. And everything else doesn't matter anymore. A lot of times I will come out of the kitchen and my major depressive episode at the same time like baking just wipes the depression away. Other times it's like getting drunk where the pain goes away while you're in that state only to find it right back where you left it after you're sober. I have a feeling that today is the latter day. And until I get through February 18 I don't see it getting a whole lot better. Good thing I'm seeing my therapist Thursday.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

2
 

Superbowl munchies

So, mom and I watched the most awesome Super Bowl game I've seen in years! She was rooting for the Falcons. Therefore, I HAD to root for the Patriots. I couldn't believe they just HAD to wait until halfway through the 4th quarter to get their head in the game! But omg! To see the very first overtime in Super Bowl history and some of the insanely miraculous plays that were made was the best. Especially to be able to share it with my mom. Still can't believe they came back from a 25 point deficit to win the game in overtime all in the last 10 minutes of the final quarter! It was awesome.   With all the excitement though I wanted munchies sooooo bad! I wanted chips and dip or popcorn or anything to actually crunch just like the ball players on the field. I am sitting here writing this and watching the local news and still crave something to crunch. Craving cookies. Craving chocolate milk. Craving chocolate chips, Wow. And my clinic just had a commercial on as if to give me a visual reminder of why i'm not going to the kitchen for any of those things. A reminder why I didn't cave in to any of those cravings that I had during the game. I am trying so hard to be conscious of the mental hungries and the actual physical hungries. I actually succeeded today. I'm proud of myself. I even skipped the mashed potatoes at supper! Cheesy Ranch Red Skin Mashed Potatoes no less! Yay me!   Telling the difference between the mental and physical hungries is one of the hardest parts of this weight loss surgery prep. I'm getting there, but the trek has been slow going. I started this journey in November and I'm still not there. I think I'll get there. No. I know i'll get there. I have to. " """"""""""""""""
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
 

Addictions

Addictions come in all sorts of forms. The most common forms of addiction people think of are drugs and alcohol. And those are both, obviously, bad. There's other addictions too though. There's addictions to soda pop, bread, pasta, cookies, cakes and other pastries, food in general. I think most people that have gotten to "OMG I have to do something about my weight or I'm going to die" have some form of food addiction. I've been realizing, albeit way too slowly, that I am addicted to sugar. I may even be addicted to food in general. I was at the grocery store with my mom today and at the checkout are the candies. Reese's, Twix, Butterfingers, York Peppermint Patty, M&Ms...the list goes on and on. I nearly cried because I wanted some (and I really didn't care which one either) chocolate yumminess (that usually isn't all that yummy after I eat it) so badly.   I am so glad I am going to be going to a therapist starting on Thursday. I HAVE GOT to get this crap under control before my surgery. I should already be at least 20 pounds down by now and I think I'm the same weight I was last month. I'm awful about not logging any meal that isn't good for me. I'll log all the ones that are right on track though. I don't even understand why I want the stuff. It doesn't taste good most of the time and then I feel all kinds of guilty after I eat it. Other times I'm just so depressed that I couldn't give a rats patootie what I eat, so I don't eat what I'm supposed to. Like tonight mom bought pizza for dinner. I could have run over here to my house and gotten the leftover chicken and broccoli from the other night. No carbs hardly at all. I could have been a good girl, but no. I just didn't care. I was tired, hungry, and depressed and so I ended up eating two pieces of pizza, a cheesy bread stick with marinara sauce, and a chocolate chip cookie since I figured I'd already blown the whole meal anyway. Now I'm just tired and even more depressed.   How do you fight an addiction to food? I'm scared that I'm going to go from one extreme to the other. Going from a see food diet to a no food diet. I guess that's something for the therapist to deal with, huh? I hate this. I'm going to bed. Night night.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
 

Addictions

Addictions come in all sorts of forms. The most common forms of addiction people think of are drugs and alcohol. And those are both, obviously, bad. There's other addictions too though. There's addictions to soda pop, bread, pasta, cookies, cakes and other pastries, food in general. I think most people that have gotten to "OMG I have to do something about my weight or I'm going to die" have some form of food addiction. I've been realizing, albeit way too slowly, that I am addicted to sugar. I may even be addicted to food in general. I was at the grocery store with my mom today and at the checkout are the candies. Reese's, Twix, Butterfingers, York Peppermint Patty, M&Ms...the list goes on and on. I nearly cried because I wanted some (and I really didn't care which one either) chocolate yumminess (that usually isn't all that yummy after I eat it) so badly.   I am so glad I am going to be going to a therapist starting on Thursday. I HAVE GOT to get this crap under control before my surgery. I should already be at least 20 pounds down by now and I think I'm the same weight I was last month. I'm awful about not logging any meal that isn't good for me. I'll log all the ones that are right on track though. I don't even understand why I want the stuff. It doesn't taste good most of the time and then I feel all kinds of guilty after I eat it. Other times I'm just so depressed that I couldn't give a rats patootie what I eat, so I don't eat what I'm supposed to. Like tonight mom bought pizza for dinner. I could have run over here to my house and gotten the leftover chicken and broccoli from the other night. No carbs hardly at all. I could have been a good girl, but no. I just didn't care. I was tired, hungry, and depressed and so I ended up eating two pieces of pizza, a cheesy bread stick with marinara sauce, and a chocolate chip cookie since I figured I'd already blown the whole meal anyway. Now I'm just tired and even more depressed.   How do you fight an addiction to food? I'm scared that I'm going to go from one extreme to the other. Going from a see food diet to a no food diet. I guess that's something for the therapist to deal with, huh? I hate this. I'm going to bed. Night night.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
 

Addictions

Addictions come in all sorts of forms. The most common forms of addiction people think of are drugs and alcohol. And those are both, obviously, bad. There's other addictions too though. There's addictions to soda pop, bread, pasta, cookies, cakes and other pastries, food in general. I think most people that have gotten to "OMG I have to do something about my weight or I'm going to die" have some form of food addiction. I've been realizing, albeit way too slowly, that I am addicted to sugar. I may even be addicted to food in general. I was at the grocery store with my mom today and at the checkout are the candies. Reese's, Twix, Butterfingers, York Peppermint Patty, M&Ms...the list goes on and on. I nearly cried because I wanted some (and I really didn't care which one either) chocolate yumminess (that usually isn't all that yummy after I eat it) so badly.   I am so glad I am going to be going to a therapist starting on Thursday. I HAVE GOT to get this crap under control before my surgery. I should already be at least 20 pounds down by now and I think I'm the same weight I was last month. I'm awful about not logging any meal that isn't good for me. I'll log all the ones that are right on track though. I don't even understand why I want the stuff. It doesn't taste good most of the time and then I feel all kinds of guilty after I eat it. Other times I'm just so depressed that I couldn't give a rats patootie what I eat, so I don't eat what I'm supposed to. Like tonight mom bought pizza for dinner. I could have run over here to my house and gotten the leftover chicken and broccoli from the other night. No carbs hardly at all. I could have been a good girl, but no. I just didn't care. I was tired, hungry, and depressed and so I ended up eating two pieces of pizza, a cheesy bread stick with marinara sauce, and a chocolate chip cookie since I figured I'd already blown the whole meal anyway. Now I'm just tired and even more depressed.   How do you fight an addiction to food? I'm scared that I'm going to go from one extreme to the other. Going from a see food diet to a no food diet. I guess that's something for the therapist to deal with, huh? I hate this. I'm going to bed. Night night.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
 

Addictions

Addictions come in all sorts of forms. The most common forms of addiction people think of are drugs and alcohol. And those are both, obviously, bad. There's other addictions too though. There's addictions to soda pop, bread, pasta, cookies, cakes and other pastries, food in general. I think most people that have gotten to "OMG I have to do something about my weight or I'm going to die" have some form of food addiction. I've been realizing, albeit way too slowly, that I am addicted to sugar. I may even be addicted to food in general. I was at the grocery store with my mom today and at the checkout are the candies. Reese's, Twix, Butterfingers, York Peppermint Patty, M&Ms...the list goes on and on. I nearly cried because I wanted some (and I really didn't care which one either) chocolate yumminess (that usually isn't all that yummy after I eat it) so badly.   I am so glad I am going to be going to a therapist starting on Thursday. I HAVE GOT to get this crap under control before my surgery. I should already be at least 20 pounds down by now and I think I'm the same weight I was last month. I'm awful about not logging any meal that isn't good for me. I'll log all the ones that are right on track though. I don't even understand why I want the stuff. It doesn't taste good most of the time and then I feel all kinds of guilty after I eat it. Other times I'm just so depressed that I couldn't give a rats patootie what I eat, so I don't eat what I'm supposed to. Like tonight mom bought pizza for dinner. I could have run over here to my house and gotten the leftover chicken and broccoli from the other night. No carbs hardly at all. I could have been a good girl, but no. I just didn't care. I was tired, hungry, and depressed and so I ended up eating two pieces of pizza, a cheesy bread stick with marinara sauce, and a chocolate chip cookie since I figured I'd already blown the whole meal anyway. Now I'm just tired and even more depressed.   How do you fight an addiction to food? I'm scared that I'm going to go from one extreme to the other. Going from a see food diet to a no food diet. I guess that's something for the therapist to deal with, huh? I hate this. I'm going to bed. Night night.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
 

Obstacles

Today was an awesome, albeit a dietetic frustration, day. Mom and I went out today. She had a couple of Dr. appointments and since she pretty much refuses to wear her prescription glasses ("I can see the big stuff" she says) I drive her around on a regular basis (much to the chagrin of my nerves).   I get home from taking the oldest to school (the boy refuses to get a drivers license!) and decide to unload some of the articles from my mom's storage locker that I've had in my trunk for the last week. Freezing my arse off I gave up on that idea pretty fast. By this time I decide to go inside and warm up, maybe get some hot tea, and make breakfast. I was thinking my usual 2 eggs, sunny side up with a cup of greek yogurt. Lots of protein! Yeah...that didn't happen because I had just started to get the stuff together to do that when mom asks what I'm doing - we have to leave in 15 minutes for the Dr. "But that's this afternoon!" "Dr. Mike is this afternoon. This morning I have to see Emily" I'm thinking "well, poop. I don't even have time to make a shake before we leave" (and my tummy has already been growling for an hour. Oh joy. We Get her to the Dr. and don't get out of there until almost 11:30. It's lunch time! Ok, mom, where to eat? "How's Panera or Olive Garden sound?" Well, considering the last time I ate at Olive Garden I could find something that I could eat, but it cost a bloody fortune for a lunch menu (which we found out later was actually put in the computer as a dinner item) and I had gas so bad it hurt, I chose Panera. Surely there's something at Panera I could eat without compromising my diet too badly. Then I saw it...New England Clam Chowder. My favorite soup in the world aside of Olive Garden's Zupa Toscana. So I decided on a half Chicken Caesar Salad and a cup of soup for lunch with an apple (which I gave to mom). Big, big, huge mistake all the way around. The salad tasted okay, but it ended up causing pain in my gut. The soup...well, I could only get down two bites it was so icky. Have you ever had potatoes in soup that you can tell they've been frozen by the way they mush when you bite into them and remind you of really nasty instant mashed potatoes that weren't really mixed all that well? That's what these potatoes were like. Eww. My clam chowder tastes like a gourmet chef prepared it compared to what this was today. Thankfully, the lack of desirability for me to eat that soup saved me major amounts of caloric intake for lunch.   Not even an hour and a half later, mom states she needs something to satiate her sweet tooth. I managed to put that one off until almost 3. She wanted either TCBY or Olive Garden. I knew TCBY had a greek frozen yogurt so I went there and had half of their little cup of the Greek Honey Vanilla yogurt topped with a spoonful of chopped pecans. Nothing else fancy. It actually ended up pretty yummy. I was surprised. Lots of protein again. Yay me! Mom and I are having our yogurts when she asks what we're having for dinner. Doe in the headlights look greeted this question. I have no clue. We forgot to take anything out to defrost and we aren't going to feel like cooking and cleaning after this. I agreed, but what to do for dinner? Mom's suggestions....#1 on the list - Spaghetti. #2 on the list - Macaroni topped with baked beans #3 on the list - Lasagna (are you starting to see a pattern here?) So I went with #3 and let her know that I had leftovers from last night that I could heat up to eat while they had that. When we went to the grocer, though, I ended up finding this Healthy Choice Steamers Chicken & Broccoli Alfredo and Oikos Lemon Meringue yogurt. OMG! both were so yummy!!! I could so totally see getting some spaghetti squash and pouring that over it! Speaking of Spaghetti squash! This truly is the best way I have found to cook spaghetti squash! It makes the strands actually LOOK like spaghetti! It's amazing, truly! After I put all of what I ate today into My Fitness Pal (MFP) I found out that I actually made my protein goal! 77 grams of protein taken in today and that's before my cheese slice that I have before bed, which will up my total to 80+ grams today. I could actually see myself hitting 100 grams if I had had my eggs and yogurt this morning. That amazed me.   What also amazed me was all the things I WANTED to eat today. The San Fransisco sourdough bread mom bought today...the Reeses Peanut Butter Cups at the checkout at the grocery....All the pastries at Panera and the bakery...the clam chowder that I ultimately caved in on (but was thankfully thwarted of because of the taste of it)...the lasagna that the rest of the family had along with the garlic Texas toast...the Hershey Kiss Thumbprint cookies mom bought because the family just HAD to have a sweet treat. (I'm really glad she hid those because I really did go looking for them after dinner because they looked SO good!) I swear I was like a recovering alcoholic that was thrown into a bar! I'm truly addicted to sweets. Not candy, per se, but mostly pastries and cookies and stuff like that. Though even seeing the open bag of chocolate chips in the pantry is a massive temptation to grab a handful to eat by themselves. Do they have sugar eaters anonymous or something like that? "Hi, My name is Alex and I'm addicted to sugar" I am, too. And milk. OMG I think I would die if I couldn't have milk anymore.   So, that's my discovery for today...I'm addicted to sugar. I wonder what I'll discover about myself tomorrow?
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
 

Today is another day

Today is cold, dreary, grey...the kind of day that would normally make me want to stay in bed and forget about the world because weather like this depresses me major. But not today. It's really hard to be depressed when the shower I took this morning was the BEST shower I have taken in over a year!!!!   Yes, the best shower in over a year. Why, you ask? What made this shower better than any other shower in the history of showers?   I didn't cry!   Yeah, I know that sounds weird, but let me give you a little bit of background on my showers over the past couple of years. My skin is hypersensitive. Like, clothes hurt hypersensitive. No, I don't live in a nudist colony so I don't have to wear clothes. But I don't like wearing clothes because they hurt. I do it...obviously, but even if I could get by without wearing clothes all the time, I wouldn't. I don't like what I look like. I'd rather deal with the pain of the clothes on my skin than the pain of grossing people out with what was under my clothes. I've always loved showers. I'd spend close to an hour in the shower if I could get by with it. (enough hot water and all that jazz). But that changed about 4 years ago. The water from the shower head gradually began hurting more and more until about a year and a half ago (maybe it's been two years now) showers began hurting so bad that I would cry every time I took a shower. Since I'm not a major masochist, I took to taking showers only once a week or so, washing my hair every other day in between by hanging my head over the side of the tub and using the handheld shower head. I missed my long, hot showers that relaxed my aching muscles. I missed the feeling of the water running down my back.   Today was the first time in so...Soooo long that when I finally got the courage up to put my back under the falling water I didn't realize for at least a minute that I wasn't in tears from the pain. It was the mild annoyance of long ago. The kind of mild annoyance that is easy to ignore. When I used my loofa to clean my skin, it didn't feel like I was washing myself with course sand paper! Afterwards I could brush my hair without going 'Ow!' every other stroke! I don't know if this miracle is going to last beyond today, but I am so grateful for the reprieve (if even only for a day).
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
 

Am I ready for this?!...Take 2

Am I ready for this?! ......No. ..... Yes. ..... Maybe. ....Wait. What was the question?   Am I ready for what? ... This blog that isn't a blog (in my opinion), but a journal of what is going on in this journey called life? Life itself? This weight loss surgery that I am desperately attempting to prepare for?   This blog I'm definitely not ready for, but I'm going to do it anyway because maybe by getting over some of my fears, I'll be able to conquer others and hopefully inspire other people to conquer their own inner chicken. Yes, I said inner chicken. It was something that I heard at my youngest son's poetry slam a few months ago and it just stuck with me. Why be afraid of writing a blog? Ummm...because I'm not a very good writer? Because...people can be downright cruel? Because I may be judged for writing what I write? There's a number of things that would make my inner chicken quiver in its boots. (Yes, my inner chicken wears big, heavy, poop kickers! and those poop kickers regularly kick my big behind)   Life itself? Who the heck is ready for life itself? Why the heck do you think babies come into this world kicking and screaming? They want back in!!! They are screaming "Put me back in! Put me BACK IN! This place is cold, and loud, and bright, and scary! Put me back where it's quiet, and warm, and comfy, and safe." Some babies grow out of that. Those are the ones that grow into little dare devils. The ones that will give their mothers figurative heart attacks by climbing to the tallest point (quite literally) of the playground where mommy can't reach them and sit down to seemingly ponder the world around them. Yes. This is what my oldest did to me when he was three. He was the one that came a little over a month early (though he tried for 2 months early). Didn't make a sound when he was born. (scared the crap out of me because I thought he was born dead or something) Made up for that fact profusely later (as evidenced in Blockbuster video where he screamed so loud and long that the entire place came running to find out what I was doing to the poor child). And now wants to go into the Navy after he graduates high school in a few months. And now my middle child, my little girl, is wanting to go to a college prep school so she can be a veterinarian at the ripe old age of 12 and the youngest of my 3 big brood is about to start middle school, leaving behind the last remnants of elementary school that I'll have to deal with forever. Am I ready for life itself? NOOOO!!! Put me back in! PUT ME BACK IN!!!!! I'M NOT READY!!!! Yeah, that's going to happen. .... NOT!   Am I ready for this weight loss surgery that I'm desperately trying to prepare for? Yes. Unequivocally Yes. Without a shadow of a doubt I am ready for this. I know I'm ready. I think I'm ready. Am I ready? You know...I hope so. It's scary. Not the surgery itself. I'm not scared about that. This surgery will be number 14 in a long line of surgeries. Everything from my first surgery at age 5 to remove rectal polyps to having my tonsils and adenoids out the day before I turned 6 to a complete hysterectomy a little over 3 years ago because of major pain I was having in my gut that turned out to be IBS. So I'm no stranger to having surgery. What I'm scared of is not succeeding yet again.   I went on my first actual Dr. supervised diet at the age of 9. I've been yo-yo dieting ever since. Over 30 years of yo-yo dieting. I've tried everything it seems like. I've tried Advocare, Herbalife, Atkins, Cabbage soup, the diabetes diet, Alli, Phenergan, Slim fast, weight watchers...lots of different diets. It was after I stepped on the scale at the Dr. office in July of 2013 and it read 310 pounds that I finally had had enough of this mess. I haven't been below 200 pounds in 18 years. (i was 198 when I got pregnant with my oldest son who will be 18 in a few months). As soon as I left the Dr. I went directly to Best Buy and bought a FitBit and an Aria scale. Best money I had spent in years. I actually got down to 246 pounds in about a years time. But as with all the other times, I gained again. This time topping out at 286. I stayed there for several months. In August 2016, after a physical therapy session, I saw a flyer for a weight loss surgery seminar that the hospital was hosting. It got me thinking about weight loss surgery again for, like, the millionth time in the past 20 years. But I already knew where I wanted to go. The thing was convincing the one person who would talk me out of it just like she had every other time that I thought about it...my mom. I didn't have to worry anymore about my husband forbidding it as he had for years because he had died in 2013. So the issue was how to get mom to realize that this was going to be the best option for me. One of the local hospitals was hosting a seminar soon. I would take her to it. I had already talked to the nice people at Roller Weight Loss and had already watched their online seminar and had made up my mind that was where I wanted to go for my surgery, but mom wouldn't watch the seminar. But she would go to the seminar being hosted a couple towns over. Two weeks later, after we left the seminar, my mom looked at me and said, "You have to have this surgery. I don't want to lose you." And that was that. After I got the money together for the registration fee for Roller (my birthday present from me to me last year) I scheduled my first appointment. Unfortunately, that appointment couldn't be until November 4.   November 4 came faster than I imagined it would. That day felt like i was put through the proverbial wringer. Fasting blood work, nutrition appointment, EKG, breathing test, H-Pylori test (that was a first. Had never heard of that one before), chest x-rays, OMG! This was absolutely insane. Though, I was grateful that they were being so thorough with my care. They don't want to take anything to chance. So, now, I'm getting ready for my fourth Diet and Exercise appointment on February 6. Less than a week away. Then I have March and April Appointments to get through and then I will be scheduled to have surgery within a few weeks of that last appointment.   Easy breezy rice and cheezy, right? Yeah, not for me. No. See, I haven't lost much weight since that first month. I think I've lost 14 pounds since November 4. And it's entirely my fault! Over the past few weeks I've been doing a lot of thinking about WHY I haven't stuck with my pre-op diet. Don't I want to lose weight? Don't I want to see my future grand babies? Don't I want to see my daughter graduate veterinary school? Don't I want to see my little squirt graduate high school? YES!!! I want all those things! So what's the big deal? What's my major malfunction preventing me from getting what I want? My head is majorly screwed up. That's my major malfunction. So, I decided to do something about it. I went back to the therapist yesterday. I did it. I finally kicked my inner chicken back. My inner chicken is still there. Yes, it is. But for this, it's backed off. I'll be going every week and a half to get help with my major depression and anxiety disorders. To get help with pain management that has me in tears often because of my upper back pain. To get help conquering my personal demons that prevent me from getting a good night's sleep most nights.   Why haven't I gone sooner you might ask. Well, it's a deep subject. I went to several after my husband committed suicide in 2013. I only found one that began to help. Then I was fired from a job I had had for nearly 15 years because i was always sick and hadn't put in a 40 hour work week in almost a year, thus losing me my insurance and the therapist that was beginning to help. Then I tried the only therapy place that Medicaid would cover. That ended up being a total disaster. You know, seeing someone maybe once a month if you're lucky when you don't want to be on the face of the earth anymore doesn't help a whole heck of a lot. So, March 15, 2014 I stopped going to that place. Stopped getting help of any kind. Tried to find a boyfriend. Found a good friend that helped as much as he could. Now, I help him at his shop when I can, but I barely hear from him. It makes me really sad. And I went back to that unhelpful place yesterday because I realized that I can't do this by myself. And I can't lean on my mom for everything because she has her own personal demons to fight and she leans on me to battle those and I'm afraid (scared to death really) that she's developing dementia like my Grams did.   The lady I met yesterday I like. And the funniest, most ironic thing possible happened. I found out that she is in the pre-op stages of getting the same surgery I'm getting through the same clinic that I'm going through. My new therapist is going through the same thing I am as far as bariatric surgery goes. Crazy, right?! I'm trying to understand why I do the things I do. Why it is that EVERY SINGLE Blessed time that i am going good on a diet (I've lost a ton of weight, people notice and compliment me, I'm getting into smaller clothes) I just stop. Just. Flat. Stop. It makes no sense to me. Not even a penny of sense. Why do I jeopardize every diet? Why do I always blame it on someone else? It's someone else that's sabotaging me. Not me. I know that to be a cart full of bologna. But it's what I do. And I want to know why. I mean I know I'm scared of not knowing what I'm going to look like afterwards. I know I'm scared of having to change practically every aspect of myself (the way I dress, the way I eat, the way I organize things, the way I plan things) And that, I think would be scary for anyone, let alone someone with anxiety issues and major depression amongst several other things.   That is why I'm starting this journal of sorts, this blog. To chronicle these steps I'm going to be taking to a new me. Hopefully, by the end of it all, I will be able to see someone in the mirror that I'm proud of being. Someone that I'm not ashamed of. Someone who is able to stand up and take charge of her life, goals, and new dreams. Someone who can kick her inner chicken and its poop kickers to the curb, pluck it, and have it for dinner!   God and Heaven Bless and Protect you always.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

1

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