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When I thought I was gonna go CRAZY

And now my grandmama aint the only girl calling me BABBBY.   I love that song, I have had it stuck in my mind, this IS the good life.   I have started eating a little differently lately. My days normally go like this - Crab meat for breakfast, I know this is wierd, but its tasty, and its high in protein, LOW in calories.   Then I like to follow it up with a cottage cheese snack mid moring, a peice of fruit near lunchish. The fruit normally stays in the band longer that the crab meat or the cottage cheese, which is fine by me. Then after work, I normally have some chicken, or fish, with veggies.   I am happy, my body is starting to change again, I am living on my own, making changes. My friends and I have this saying, big shit poppin, and little shit stoppin. This makes so much sense to me. Why would I let myself be tempted by a taste, a tiny little pleasure when I can OVERALL be much happier? I dont want to hate myself anymore, I dont want to punish myself anymore. I just want to be happy. I want to rise above all the petty bs in my life, all the drama and the waterworks, and exist, be, express.   All the sudden, being Angelica is pretty awesome. I've never felt this way before about myself. I'm too good for bad food, I am too good to not keep up with myself and work out, I cant let myself waste away on a couch.   I have been contemplating making the decision of not dating until I lose my weight, and get alot closer to goal. I just am starting to think that maybe it would be the best thing to focus only on myself for a while. At the same time, I am LONELY. I dont really know how to reconcile the two feelings.   -A :thumbup:
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Why Skinny Girls are afraid of Fat Ones.

I got into a 'spirited debate' earlier today.   I have a co worker, shes beautiful. Shes got a beautiful body, and a beautiful face. Shes dumber than a bag of rocks. She wrecked a marriage of another co worker of mine. Shes 19.   No one knows about the surgery I had at work except for Jon, who is my bestie at work, and hes very supportive. Anyway, he also happens to be the one who got wrapped up in this pretty girl.   We we laughing, and joking around the other day, and he mentions this girl, and says she 'gets a free pass for being so pretty, think about it Angelica, shes never had to work as hard as you have'.   Ugh, so true.   In anycase, she and I get to talking, and apparently Jon has told her about my surgery. Fine, I am not ashamed of anything, to be really honest with you. I am happy about my surgery and the progress that I am making. Everything was fine until she said it 'Dont get skinnier than me!'.   Oh Bitch.   Its not ABOUT YOU. Its ABOUT ME. Right?   She then proceeds to tell me that I am going to be the total package, and that I shouldnt 'become a slut when I get skinny'   WTF?   At this point, she gets a concerned look on her face and says, Dont steal Jon from me.   ARGH.   Is that what she thinks, that Fat girls cant possibly be a threat now, even tho your boyfriend has said to be in the past, on many occasions that 'I'd sleep with you in a heartbeat', and 'if I want something to look at, I'll call someone else, I want to have an actual conversation, I will call you'.   This, this is why Skinny girls are afraid of fat girls.   Because they KNOW. They have full understanding that when we slim it down that not only will we appeal to people on a physical level, but all the hard work that we had to do, the sense of humor we had to develop, the intelligence, all of these things that we devloped from working hard, and not getting by scott free with anything.   I dont know is this is always true, if all men are this vapid and shallow, I mean, its a bad example, Jon did cheat on his very beautiful, very thin wife, so maybe he just doesnt get it. I hope all men arent like this.   All the sudden, these things are becoming realistic fears for me. I have been afraid and intimidated by men forever, now they want to interact with me. Now they smile at me in hallways, now they whisper to their friends when I walk by. Sometimes, being invisible like I used to be seems so much easier.   Its all a process, you know?   First, you have to say goodbye to your addiction to food, because your lifestyle HAS to change. you dont have a choice. Secondly, you battle other addictions that try to take its place, like liquor, other stupid things, then youre finally free, and youre working out, and youre doing better.   There are just so many things that I am afraid of these days.   -A :thumbup:
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Couch to 5K?

Hrm, this is going to be harder than i expected..   I decided that since i am over whatever was wrong with my stomach that I would start the Couch to 5K program today.   I made it 12 minutes.   Okay, I am not done, I am going to try this again later today. 25 minutes with NOT BEAT ME. But I was sweating like a pig There is a certain sense of elation, knowing that I can actually run if I put my mind to it, even if I was only for 3 minutes, its better than a kick in the ass. I feel awesome right now.   I am focused, I am ready, I am tired of being a fat girl.   Steve and I talked about my weight today, he did the awesome dude thing and told me it was fine with him, and that he wasnt worried about it, and he liked my boobs What fat girl doesnt have a nice rack? We talked about the surgery, hes had his own medical issues, so I am not worried about the scars or whatever, but its nice to know that someone supports me. When i told him about the Couch to 5k program, he told me he had faith in me.   I am turning into a pile of mush over this guy Hes completely awesome.   My bestie Ray introduced him to me, its sort of complicated, but Steve is so awesome, hes of the upmost of awesome. I feel sort of dewey and star stuck almost. I have been waiting for that nice guy forever. Maybe hes finally come my way? Everyone has their chance, right?   In any case, everything else is smooth sailing. I have cut down on the eating, stepped up the protein, and i got these gross Viactiv vitamins. My friend lied when she said they were like chocolate candies. LIES. they get stuck in my teeth, but its for the greater good, right?   Tomorrow is the power 90, and I will finish those last 13 minutes in my couch to 5k program today. I will.   -A
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Rehab and Restriction

mmm.. I got my fill on Friday. I am in heaven. Restriction is awesoommmeee. As of right now, I have 8 CCs in my 10 CC band, and I know I am only a few months along, but I needed the restriction. I am not going to worry about it.   I got some rough news on Friday, smoking causes errosion? WTF, WHY cigarettes, WHY, I LOVE YOU GUYS. I am going to have to give up on the smoking and thats some bullshit. I love cigarettes, I just do, they make me happy, i like smoking, its fun for me, I like the smell, I like the taste, lame sauce.   In other news, I have no dropped any weight since my last fill, which is why I asked the doctor (Dr Applebaum) to be aggressive with my fill. It was done in office without Floro, which is fine by me. I trust my doctor. My friend Ray came with me, because he didnt believe that they shove an instrument of death into you when they are giving fills. 'Little Poke' my ass Dr Applebaum.   So its sunday, and I can already tell my restriction is awesome. It might be a little tight, but I am not giving up this fill unless I start showing symptoms of the band being too tight.   I feel right at the right place, I can eat a jello cup (sugarfree) and it fills me up, I am kicking it on protein and liquids for right now, not a lot of solid foods, just because, I can, I guess. I dont feel the need to shovel food into my face. Restriction is awesome.:eek:   I really honestly believe I am on my way Fat girl no more. Its time to hit the treadmill.   -A
Angelica

Angelica

1
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