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Pfft to today.

So, the question for today, that I am making myself think of every time I make a decision is, 'Is this bringing me closer, or farther away from my goals'   Finding healthy food is really difficult these days. Its kind of insane, I mean, you go to a resturant, and you expect to find something that is at least half way decent, and everything is loaded down with fat and calories, and all that other bullshit. I'm just going to have to accept the fact that its going to be necessary for me to bring my lunch to work. Bleh. I hate the preperation that goes into it, the cleaning up after wards, bleh.   So I guess the goal is to try to stay as low carb as possible. I havent weighed myself in weeks. I'm not really worried about weighing myself either. Having said that, my clothes are looser, but not as loose as I would like them to be. I am exercising, and I am doing my best to stay right. Stay focused, worry about myself. The fact of the matter is that I am very rarely hungry. I eat because I guess like I feel I need too, but I dont. I feel slight hunger like once a day. I keep taking those stupid protein bullets, which arent the best things in the world, but I figure they probably taste better than most of the stuff out there, and at only 3 oz, they are really super easy to get down.   I also found this new stuff called muscle milk and oats, which has 30 grms of protein per serving. I dont know how they will taste, but I figure that food really isnt about deliciousness anymore. Its more about keeping me alive and making sure I hit all my dietary requirements. In fact, most of the time, food just seems like a huge hassle, I cant eat that, thats bad for me, too much sugar, too much this, too much that. Whats the point? Give me a small plate of chicken and vegetables, thats all I want At least then I know that I wont feel guilty.   Most of the time I hit up the mall food court, because we have a few healthfood places there, my bestie Ray can get pizza or whatever he wants, corpulus amounts of chinese food stacked on a plate, making everyone around us fatter and more miserable.   I dont want to be that person anymore. Food sucks. Its not a hobby, its not a past time, its something that was killing me. Even salad becomes a task for me, I dont want iceburg lettuce, I want real greens, whats the point of iceberg? Its useless, just water, give me something with some nutritional content, pls, kthx.   The truth is that I think I have hated food for a long time. I knew that food was the cause of me being miserable, I knew that my hands shoving it into my mouth had something to do with it too. I dont like it, I dont like eating it, I am just compelled to eat. I feel guilty the entire time I am eating, I feel guilty afterwards, and the guilt pushes me to just want to eat more. Its this stupid cycle that I just want to be free of. I'm just plain old sick and tired of all this bullshit. I have no patience left for even my own excuses.   So the question for today is, Is this bringing me closer, or moving me farther away from my goal?   I know that I need to up my protein consumption, because I have been adding small little forms of exercise into my daily routine. For instance, I smoke (I know, I dont need anyone's opinion, I smoke because I want too, get off my back) and everytime I go outside for a smoke, I circle our office building twice. Thats a half a mile. I normally go out for a smoke 2 or 3 times a day. In addition, I am working the power 90 everyday except Saturday (because the program says you have to take at least one day off) and if I can force myself out of bed in the morning, I plan on taking a nice 30 minute stroll on the treadmill before I start getting ready to go to work. This so far hasnt been successful. I normally get a late start, but I found this great alarm clock that releases this shreeking noises, and it has two wheels on the sides of it, it jumps off your night stand and wheels around, you have to catch the little bugger to shut it off.   This sounds like a fantastical idea to me It might actually get me up in the mornings. :notagree   -A
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Couch to 5K?

Hrm, this is going to be harder than i expected..   I decided that since i am over whatever was wrong with my stomach that I would start the Couch to 5K program today.   I made it 12 minutes.   Okay, I am not done, I am going to try this again later today. 25 minutes with NOT BEAT ME. But I was sweating like a pig There is a certain sense of elation, knowing that I can actually run if I put my mind to it, even if I was only for 3 minutes, its better than a kick in the ass. I feel awesome right now.   I am focused, I am ready, I am tired of being a fat girl.   Steve and I talked about my weight today, he did the awesome dude thing and told me it was fine with him, and that he wasnt worried about it, and he liked my boobs What fat girl doesnt have a nice rack? We talked about the surgery, hes had his own medical issues, so I am not worried about the scars or whatever, but its nice to know that someone supports me. When i told him about the Couch to 5k program, he told me he had faith in me.   I am turning into a pile of mush over this guy Hes completely awesome.   My bestie Ray introduced him to me, its sort of complicated, but Steve is so awesome, hes of the upmost of awesome. I feel sort of dewey and star stuck almost. I have been waiting for that nice guy forever. Maybe hes finally come my way? Everyone has their chance, right?   In any case, everything else is smooth sailing. I have cut down on the eating, stepped up the protein, and i got these gross Viactiv vitamins. My friend lied when she said they were like chocolate candies. LIES. they get stuck in my teeth, but its for the greater good, right?   Tomorrow is the power 90, and I will finish those last 13 minutes in my couch to 5k program today. I will.   -A
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Oh Gnoes!

:bandit   Yesterday, I got sick.   I mean, sick like a dog.   It started early in the morning, my bestfriend (aka, the bestie) Ray came to pick me up for work, and my stomach hurt, at first, i was freaking out, holy shit, my band has slipped, I dont feel right. So i get ready, and I manage to get into the car, and about half way to work, Ray looks at me and says, 'you cant go to work, youre sick, youre going home'.   At this point, I'm sort of freaking out. My mother makes a big deal out of everything. Shes got me halfway convinced that this band is going to tie off my stomach and choke me to death She supports the decision, and as much as I explain it, she doesnt understand it. I think its a mental block.   So I get home, and lay down, and by this time, I am having INTENSE stomach cramps. i mean really bad. i do not have any gas, I am not using the bathroom, I am flipping out, so i do what I do best, i sleep   From about 9 in the morning until 3, I have the worst unrestful sleep ever. Then Ray comes back to the house to generally harrass me and make me laugh. At this point, my stomach is like, look broad, go poop.   The reign of terror begins.   I am using the restroom like every 20 minutes. I start to feel better, sleep more, get some soup in me, and things today seem alright. I do feel like my stomach is swollen. So I will take it easy for the next few days, kick it on full liquids, and just try to help my stomach relax.   Is there such thing as a 24 hour stomach bug?   Other than that, my head is BUMPIN and I am hella dizzy. This is a side effect of not taking the Cymbalta yesterday and probably a little bit because I couldnt take the vitamin. I <3 my Cymbalta. I know that some people dont like it, but its made a huge difference in my life. Its not like a typical anti depressant. It doesnt really give me a case of the 'zombies' it makes me focused, and helps me stay on target. I like it alot. Besides the dizzies, it never does me wrong.   In any case, I am HUNGRY today. I have a doctors appointment on the 11th, so that should be good, I am ready for my fill   -A
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

So far, so good.

So, today started with me hearing the first line to a song 'You better, crawl, on your knees, the next time, you say you love me.'   Sounds like the beginning to an awesome song right? It was, but it sort of got me thinking. How many times have I said this to myself, tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning, and how many times have I not been able to follow through? I should be (figuratively) crawling on my knees thanking my body for dealing with all the abuse I have put it through with all the bullshit food that I have eaten in my life.   In anycase, lets talk about the dude. Steve, Steven, Steve, Steve, Steve. He likes me now, the way I am now, he likes my brain. I want him to like everything else This, of course is completely selfish, I want to be that girl that drives the men nuts. For a while, (and I am only 25), I believed I could never ever be that girl. Ever. I would just have to accept that I was the smart fat girl, that funny girl, the one all the men want to spend their time with, the one that they dont want to share a bed with.   Well, take that, you jerks, because I am well on my way, and now you will not only have to deal with the fact that I'm funny, and smart, and good company, but I am going to be hella cute too =) You will not be able to resist me. hahaha, of course, I am trying to think this way, but fat girl mentality sort of stops me sometimes.   This brings me to my next point, the laws of attraction. Now, the interesting thing is this, I did not read the secret, PFFT. I will not read the secret, I will not even captalize the name of the book, and I will tell you why, its rehashed information. The bible talks about Laws of Attractions, positive visualization. People have been talking about it for HUNDREDS of years, probably longer. The yogis, priests, even in pagan texts from ireland there are references to it.   The secret is a rip off, wanna know what the secret is? Mind over matter. And thats exactly whats happening for me right now.   So, back to the subject at hand. Its been a little more than 2 months since the surgery. I will be honest and admit I hadnt started to work out up until 4 days ago. I started with the Power 90 DVDs, which are awesome, but the first time I did it, it made me so sore that for the next three days all I was able to do was treadmill time, this is okay with me, as I am spending 30-60 minutes on the treadmill at a time.   I am staying focused, taking my protien, and working out everyday. This will work. While I dont really feel like I have proper restriction yet, I do feel some, and I know that after my next fill, I will feel more.   As a side note, my port has been sore since I started the exercise. I think this is just because I am moving around more. I am not worried about the idea that my port has flipped because like I said, the Laws of Attraction do work, and I will not invite that type of thinking into my life.   More later   -A
Angelica

Angelica

3
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