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Something very strange is happening to me

Okay, so this morning, I woke up, and (I know, TMI) I am in the middle of a raging peroid. Normally, during my monthly, I'll eat just about anything I can cram into my face, but this morning, I woke up and thought, God, a nice salad with some chicken would be delicious right now.   What in the hell.   I have read things in the past that note that your body craves what you put into it. Am I getting there? Am I finally at the point that I am starting to LOVE the foods that I am eating?   This is totally awesome.   I started thinking about oranges, and how delicious they are, and about grapefruit, and avacados, and all the stuff that is GOOD for you.   I was so excited.   On another note, this pissed me off. I got into a semi arguement with a full blow retard who happened to think that I was attacking her, which I wasnt. Maybe my words were a little harsh, but grow the fuck up, your sn is GEEZER SUE.   I am posting my response to her here, because I didnt want a full on flame in the forums, because thats sort of stupid. Shes in italics, I'm not.   I read your blog. What else do you have to do? And, since you are so capable of changing your life and overdoing on exercising...why the hell have ANY surgery?   Overdoing it? You mean, working out an hour a day, ONE HOUR, outside of the other TWENTY THREE that are available is overdoing it? You mean the rush I get after exercising, the way it makes my mood better all day long, thats a BAD thing?   You live on YOUR side of 200 pounds and YOUR side of band experience and YOUR side of 30 years old...and somehow think you know more than I do. Maybe, someday, you'll know half as much.   I never ever ever mentioned ONCE that I knew more than anyone else, but obviously, I THINK more than you do. Yes, I am over 200 pounds, YES, I am younger than 30. Great, fantastic. I'm going to hit my goal and have a LONG LIFE enjoying MY ACOMPLISHMENT. I had surgery in October with the UNDERSTANDING that it would be a process to lose this weight, and it wasnt a magical overnight pill.     And I don't have charcoal panties...I have VS undies on right now. Maybe someday you''ll be there, too.   Oh Sue, I doubt that you dont have to wear charcoal underwear, I doubt that you dont need spring drops in the toilet after you drop a bomb. What I did want to say is that not only will I be able to wear VS underwear soon, but men will actually WANT TO LOOK AT ME IN THEM. If you want to use age as a catalyst, then lets use age. If you want to be rude and mean, then lets be rude and mean, my GRANDMOTHER is your age.   Sue Sue, you get the big tugboat for BOOORRRINNNGGG.   In either case, my food intake is good, protein is strong. I am drinking a helluva lot of water. I am using the turbo jam workout tapes, still havent made it to the point where I dont feel self concious at the gym, but its coming, I can feel it. Down 2 pant sizes. I am excited to be alive today =)   -A  
Angelica

Angelica

4
 

Over and Over again

Would I be violating, if I grabbed me a handful?   hahaha, thats from an old rap song, and right now, the answer is No, you wouldnt be violating.   I read a post recently about poor eating and exercise due to stress in the personal life. It sort of hit home. My life has been sort of stressful for a while.   My roommate is techincally insane. Shes basically moved out of the apartment to live with her mother, but is still paying rent. She makes no sense to me. I dont have my own place in the apartment. I mostly stay holed up in my bedroom, even when shes not around. I hate that I pay for half an apartment, and theres no room for me, or my things. I hate that its always filthy, I hate that its always covered with toys, and other shit, old cereal bowls, blah blah blah. She stops off everyonce and a while to make a mess, bitch and me, tell me that I am her bestfriend, then she takes off again. So yeah, I gots to find a new place to live. Shes been more of a nusance than anything.   The funny thing is that she was the one who CONVINCED me to have this surgery. I agreed, she promised to look after me, and take me to the hospital and everything, and she didnt. Whatever, I guess its not important, I had the surgery for myself, not for her.   In either case, I have to find a new apartment to move into. I am not really sure where I am headed, somewhere cheap and a little questionable, or somewhere expensive and nice. I make decent money, so I dont know, I think I will probably go for affordable. I need some space, some freedom, I need to start my life over. I have been nothing but set backwards because of Roxy, and her bullshit. I just want this to be over. Moving out, thats going to be a little tricky. I dont want her ruining the very meager things that I do have.   Then of course, there is Steve. Let me introduce the players in this game. Raymond is my bestfriend, awesome dude, who is in love with Roxy, my roommate, not so awesome. Steve considers Ray to be his bestfriend.   Ray got me and Steve talking, and we sort of took it from there. I havent spent alot of time with the dude to be honest with you. Roxy starts in with Raymond bashing, telling me that Steve isnt really talking to me because Steve and I commuicate via instant messenger. Shes convinced that its Raymond is pretending to be Steve.   Basically, Roxy sees it like this; Steve cant be real because hes not attracted to fat girls. Because I'm not wicked smart, or charming, or incidentally funny. Because he couldnt possibly be interested in my brain?   Dont get me wrong, Steve knows about my surgery, and he knows about my weight. He was completely supportive. He was excited about me losing weight.   So, Roxy hurt Rays feelings, Steve got scared, and bolted, and I was sort of left standing alone in the middle of nowhere, being sad.   I miss Steve, I miss the shit out of Steve. He was sort of like an escape for me, he always was able to make me laugh, make me smile. He held my attention, he kept me focused. I WANTED to be a better person when he was around, just so he could see how awesome I was.   I dont know if thats the way he felt about me.   Anyway, apparently, this situation isnt over, because Raymond is going to talk to Steve about me, and see where things stand. I would love to date Steve, but at the same time, I am not going to throw myself at him. Men like to chase.   This discussion happens today, at lunchtime. I will not be present. I am so nervous. I just want the best possible outcome.   Beyond that, I have a little sister who is mentally deficent. Her mother is a junkie (we have the same father, differnet mothers) and I have been looking after her financially for the past few months. That is stressful on the budget.   Then of course, there is the idea that my brother is getting married shortly, and I have to shove my ass into a nice dress and look acceptable at the wedding in Boston.   Personal issues. Boooo personal issues.   How can you put all this aside, and just focus on the weight loss. How is that even possible. I am managing it the best way that I can. I'm still smoking, I cant quit, I know that my Dr said it caused errosion, I'm sorry. I'm so fing stressed out. I dont have an excuse for any of this   In fact, if I read this post, I would think, what an irresponsible person, she needs to get her life in order. Well, I am working on it. Give me a little time, a little pat on the back, and a little bit of love, I will make it. I promise.
Angelica

Angelica

3
 

So far, so good.

So, today started with me hearing the first line to a song 'You better, crawl, on your knees, the next time, you say you love me.'   Sounds like the beginning to an awesome song right? It was, but it sort of got me thinking. How many times have I said this to myself, tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning, and how many times have I not been able to follow through? I should be (figuratively) crawling on my knees thanking my body for dealing with all the abuse I have put it through with all the bullshit food that I have eaten in my life.   In anycase, lets talk about the dude. Steve, Steven, Steve, Steve, Steve. He likes me now, the way I am now, he likes my brain. I want him to like everything else This, of course is completely selfish, I want to be that girl that drives the men nuts. For a while, (and I am only 25), I believed I could never ever be that girl. Ever. I would just have to accept that I was the smart fat girl, that funny girl, the one all the men want to spend their time with, the one that they dont want to share a bed with.   Well, take that, you jerks, because I am well on my way, and now you will not only have to deal with the fact that I'm funny, and smart, and good company, but I am going to be hella cute too =) You will not be able to resist me. hahaha, of course, I am trying to think this way, but fat girl mentality sort of stops me sometimes.   This brings me to my next point, the laws of attraction. Now, the interesting thing is this, I did not read the secret, PFFT. I will not read the secret, I will not even captalize the name of the book, and I will tell you why, its rehashed information. The bible talks about Laws of Attractions, positive visualization. People have been talking about it for HUNDREDS of years, probably longer. The yogis, priests, even in pagan texts from ireland there are references to it.   The secret is a rip off, wanna know what the secret is? Mind over matter. And thats exactly whats happening for me right now.   So, back to the subject at hand. Its been a little more than 2 months since the surgery. I will be honest and admit I hadnt started to work out up until 4 days ago. I started with the Power 90 DVDs, which are awesome, but the first time I did it, it made me so sore that for the next three days all I was able to do was treadmill time, this is okay with me, as I am spending 30-60 minutes on the treadmill at a time.   I am staying focused, taking my protien, and working out everyday. This will work. While I dont really feel like I have proper restriction yet, I do feel some, and I know that after my next fill, I will feel more.   As a side note, my port has been sore since I started the exercise. I think this is just because I am moving around more. I am not worried about the idea that my port has flipped because like I said, the Laws of Attraction do work, and I will not invite that type of thinking into my life.   More later   -A
Angelica

Angelica

3
 

urhm

I feel a general sense of not being well today.   I miss Steve, I miss the way things used to be. I miss the way he made me laugh, and how we wasted our time together. He said the kindest sweetest things, and then would be thrown off because I didnt expect him to say them. It was cute.   I need a smoke, but alas, no lighter, not alot of people that I work with smoke, I guess. Its my fault, really, I shouldnt have left the thing at home.   I feel like I have been robbed of an opprotunity.   I feel like it was taken away from my roommate. I feel like I will never be able to lose any weight with her around, I feel like I will never be able to breathe when shes around.   I feel like I got in way over my head with my roommate and now, after 2 years, my debt is paid. I can leave. We started this out as a 6 month thing, and now its been 2 years of me wasting my time. I feel like shes done nothing but taken from me   This of course, I know isnt true. Its not that all of her is bad, or that everything she does is evil, but she had a direct correlation to Steve and I deciding not to continue. I want to punch her in her fat mouth.   Its a totally perverted relationship, and I havent been able to speak this out loud before, because if I had, I would have had to immediately end the situation. I think shes in love with me. I know this sounds crazy. I really honestly thinks she wishes I were a man, she wishes she could marry me. This sounds arrogant, I realize, but, her actions, shes so terribly jealous, and mean spirited when it comes to men in my life.   Its so strange.   Compounded by the fact that she jokingly asked me to put her kids on my insurance at work, and call her and I life partners.   WTF
Angelica

Angelica

2
 

Pity Party Ova

So yeah   Its finally hit me. I realized, I read this board because the people here inspire me. I read the journals because I want to see what tips and tricks I can pick up.   Being lazy, at least for Angelica, is OVER.   The fact of the matter is this I MADE the RIGHT choice having the Lapband, now, am I willing to let it help me, or not. I dont know if I have lost any weight yet, I suppose I can check, because I am at work, and we have this really accurate scale in the mailroom.   All I know is that yesterday, I went to put on my work clothes, and was SO SICK AND TIRED of wearing the same thing that I tried on some jeans, and not only did they FIT, but they were BIG. So I tried the next size down (I have an entire Lane Bryant in my closet, no joke ) and THEY FIT. Thats a size 6 in Lane Bryant Sizes, I dont know how that translates to the regular sizes.   In anycase, I walked on air yesterday, and woke up today with a renewed vision.   I still miss Steve. Things are sort of up in the air right now, but the general consensious is that hes back with his exgirlfriend. Thats fine, shes trashy, and I am awesome. He will see the error of his ways, and I will be too busy for him.   Yeah, lowcarb, exercise isnt happening as often as it needs too, that I can and will correct. Today, the first day of my new life?   -A
Angelica

Angelica

2
 

Turbo Jam, and other random thoughts

Okay, so, as almost everyone I know, knows, I am terrible at dating.   Like, super bad.   I met this dude, online, okay, and hes got my myspace, so hes seen my pictures.. I dont know, I feel so self concious about being overweight. Having said that, I look a million times better than I did before, but I just, I want this guy to like me, and I guess that fat girl is creeping back into my head telling me that something is wrong with me.   Anyway, I have done well today, I had a soy protein shake this morning. I hate soy protein, its got this feel to it, like youre drinking sandy water. Smooth sandy water, but it works, and the shake is 25 grms of protein for 120 calories, and no carbs. Geez, it tastes like ass tho.   I did the turbo jam yesterday, and I just did the 'learn and burn' part of the tape, because thats what youre supposed to do for the first two days, GEEZ. That was TOUGH. I mean, hard. Today I woke up, and I was in such pain throughout my core and back, and its lasted all day. Today I am going to get some muscle milk to help deal with the pain from working out. Muscle milk is protein, but it also has an ingredient that calms the lactic acid from the exercise that you do, which means, no more soreness. (or less, anyway).   I am feeling a little lightheaded because I havent eaten yet, but I am not really hungry. Fighting head hunger has been the hardest part of this experiement for me. Its only about another hour and I get spung from work, so I will eat then, no harm, no foul.   Other than that, I do have something big going on, which is only big to me, I realize. I have been taking cymbalta for like, probably 18 months now, and my doctor has decided its time for a medication change, which I agree with. So slowly, I am coming off the cymbalta and moving to a patch. I started last week moving from 60 to 40MG, and as of yesterday, I am down to 30MG, next week, 20, then none for a week so that I can clear my system and move to the patch.   Its a big deal for me, as my anti depressants sometimes make me feel like a crack addict. I mean, you dont want to be around me when I dont have them..   In either case, I am sure it will be fine..   -A
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

One more time, celebration..

Musics got me feeling so free, one more time.   So, since its the slower part of the month at my job, I have taken to walking around the building in the morning. I am guesstimating that each circle around the building is half a mile, I think, I mean, the building is huge, but I guess I need a pedometer to really tell how far I am walking.   I build up a sweat, the first couple of days, it was only 2 laps around in the morning, and 2 at lunch. OKay, that was cool, but today I decided to step it up, and did 4 laps this morning, and I will do another 2 at lunch. It makes me feel fantastic. I really love it. I have read that exercising before you start your day is the best possible thing, because the exercise is more productive that way, and not to eat or take protein before you exercise because if you do, you'll only burn what you consumed. So I am trying to follow those two rules.   Work is getting hard, because I get bored, theres really nothing to do, my daily tasks are finished by about 8 in the morning (I get here at 7), and for the rest of the day, I am just sort of waiting for something to happen. I get bored, I want to eat, I want to go molest the snack machines in the break room for whatever I can find to eat, but i know that I shouldnt. Now that all my friends at work are telling me that I look like I am losing weight, I'm more apt not too, I sort of feel like alot of eyes are on me these days, so thats helping me stay in line.   I learned an interesting fact about the new dude, Armando, apparently (mind you, the dude is 6'3, hes tall) but apparently, he was close to 300 pounds, and lost 90 pounds so that he could join the military.   I think he has an indication that I am overweight, but I am not completely sure. I am going to have the discussion with him about it soon, and the surgery. I am nervous!   -A:angry:  
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a new goal set

Okay, so I went and got another fill, right?   Awesome, restriction. I can finally not eat a whole plate of food. My band is TIGHT in the mornings, which is fine. I'm not too worried about that.   Still chugging along with the crab meat breakfast. The protein sticks with me all day, on the plus side, on the negative side, all my co workers hate me because they say the crab meat stinks. It probably does. Sorry guys, doing this for me. I normally eat one packet, which is actually 3 servings, breaks down to 145 calories and 30 grms of protein, how can you beat that?   Then about 3 hours later, a peice of fruit, followed by a some baby carrots or something a few hours after that. Protein for dinner with some veggies.   This is the longest I have managed to be on a 'modified eating plan', which is what i am calling it, because if you say diet, I take off running in the other direction.   I have lost about 30 pounds. I have a new goal, I want to lose 40 more pounds by 4/22. I KNOW this is lofty, but I also know that I havent been giving this surgery or the lapband my all up until about 2 weeks ago. I wasnt ready to get rid of my friend. I miss food. How stupid, right?   Let me make this clear, I hate food. I hate being worried about it, I hate thinking about it. I hate feeling fat, I hate being fat, so I guess the question is, how far am I willing to go outside of my comfort zone to change it.   I woke up at 4:45 this morning. I had my alarm set to get up and work out. I had to lay in bed for a second and ask myself, how commited are YOU to your fitness goals? How badly do YOU want to lose this weight. How much does it mean to YOU?   So, I got my ass out of bed, and did the Power 90. I am not ready to join a gym yet, I am still too self concious. It makes me nervous, and I feel like most gyms are just meat markets for the skinny anyway. I know I should be able to ignore that, but I cant, not yet anyway, so I am going to continue working out at home until I have made my goal of 40 pounds by 4/22, then I will join a gym.   Lucky for me, I have my friend Ray who really supports me. My relationship with Ray is causing me alot of strife that hes not aware of, that I dont want to drag him into. Its kind of a running joke, everyone at work thinks he really likes me, and that he wants to date me. He says he does not, and I believe him. We are just super duper close. Besides, even if I DID want to date him, hes already slept with my exroommate and I dont do sloppy seconds.   In either case, I am worn out and tired today. I have my yearly employee evual today, and I dont really want to do it. I dont know if I am going to be getting a raise, I probably will. Its never much, but everything helps, right?   All and All, I feel very positive about my surgery, and I feel very positive about what direction I am headed in life.   I am a little worried about my situation with the anti depressants. I have been on cymbalta and wellbutrin for about a year and a half now. Its not working the way it used too. My doctor wants to move me to an antidepressant patch, its supposed to be really strong, which is great, but sometimes, anti depressants make me feel like a crack head. Its like, if I dont take it for a day, I get all dizzy and pissy and mean. Sometimes, I wish I had never started taking them at all. Having said that I know they are the major reason I have been able to hold down my job. So thank God for that.   -A :confused_smile:
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

No Air..

Geez, I feel awesome today.   I read this forum pretty regularly. Probably on a daily basis, provided that work permits... Ive read so much, seen so many attitudes, seen alot of pain and hurt over being overweight, alot of triumph over losing weight...   I did something this week that I am proud of. My dating life, its bad. I started talking to an ex boyfriend of mine called Raul.. Raul, hes, difficult to describe. He possesses a brilliant criminal mind; and uses it to his advantage.   Hes involved with some sketchy things, most of which I am not fully aware of. He came back around, and started talking to me about how he liked me, and he wanted to see me, eventually I invited him to my new apartment, and we talked. He started persuing me really aggressively. I sort of went along for the ride, but started to realize that it was his actions, and some of the things he does to earn a living that will prevent me from being able to be with him.   He did offer me some really good advice on my current situation, and he did help me see a way out of my current situation. To me, his exploits are that taboo, because my father did the samething, so I just sort of learned to live with it, however, the more I begin to enjoy my life due to this weight loss, the more I smile, the more I find value in myself, I realize, I dont want to go down that path, and I dont want to be involved with someone who does.   I have always pictured myself to be somewhat of a mastermind as well. I'm a natural born leader, I keep my head above water always, and I have struggled in my life with doing the right thing. Its just like eating well when you have the band, its hard, but you do it, because you know the outcome is worth the small amount of inconveince for you.   my point is that I managed to stand up for myself, and tell him I wasnt interested, I broke it off. Hes steady telling me its because I cant handle a real relationship, that I cant deal with someone who truly cares about me. Maybe thats true right now, but its not the right time for me to dedicate myself to a man, I need to stay focused on myself, and keeping up with the progress I am making in my life. I dont want to hurt the dude, but I have to stay focused.   I went and had a fill under floro about 2 weeks ago. It was pretty awesome. I had never seen the floro screen before, the first fill I had had the screen pointing towards my back. My port is a little twisted, the doctor said, but easily accessible, so no real issue. My band is placed well, no slips, no nothing. It was a little loose, so my doctor added 1 cc, that brings me to 8.7 ccs in a AP band.   it was bizarre watching the swallow and how my stomach reacted. I really liked it, keeps pushing me towards a medical career, which honestly, would be pretty amazing for me. I think I would make an excellent nurse, or doctor. I will be ready to go back to school again soon, and knock it out of the park.   Anyway, I SAW what kind of restriction I had, which has really helped me understand the chewing and so on, so forth. Should you have a fill under floro, you should ask your doctor to watch the screens, its really incredible.   I have been doing well, and I know I am losing weight because I can see it, but I havent weighed myself, because I dont do it unless I am at the Doctors office, but I might invest in a nice scale soonish.   I feel good today, life is good =)   -A
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Chemical Imbalance

So, a wobbler.. Whats a wobbler, a wobbler is when Angelica loses her mind, and sort of falls into a world of HIGH anxiety and depression.   I guess most people would call this a fat day?   Lets break it down like this, I have lost about 5-7 lbs for every month that I have had the band (today is my 6 month anniversay, btw)   Okay, so 30-35 lbs. In 6 months.. I am TRYING to be patient. I have gotten my fills, but I havent eaten the correct foods, I havent eaten the correct portions. I havent been exercizing like I know that I should. I have been sort of trying to skirt out of the fact that I have a band.   Since the last fill, under floro, thats not so much an option anymore, either it goes down, or it comes up, I'm adjusting to learning to eat small amounts, and chewing the shit out of everything. I feel like I am losing weight, but I dont own a scale, and the tape measure that i keep in my bathroom aint reading any different from last week.   Frustrated.   I mean, I get it, I am not doing the right things, this is MY fault. I dont run like I should, I have to eat well now, but thats just because its a physical imposibility to eat poorly anymore. (meaning portion size)   To top that off, I am going on a trip to NM with my mom, (road trip, aweesoommmee) and my mother has decided she would like to take me to get a haircut at this swanky place, I just feel fat and stupid and slow and generally like a shitty person today.   Christ, I'll even cheat MYSELF, how could I not cheat someone else, the fundamentals of Angelica are off, bad. I feel like an asshole generally.   Ugh, this is going to get better, but I'm having a wobbler today.   -A
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Oh Gnoes!

:bandit   Yesterday, I got sick.   I mean, sick like a dog.   It started early in the morning, my bestfriend (aka, the bestie) Ray came to pick me up for work, and my stomach hurt, at first, i was freaking out, holy shit, my band has slipped, I dont feel right. So i get ready, and I manage to get into the car, and about half way to work, Ray looks at me and says, 'you cant go to work, youre sick, youre going home'.   At this point, I'm sort of freaking out. My mother makes a big deal out of everything. Shes got me halfway convinced that this band is going to tie off my stomach and choke me to death She supports the decision, and as much as I explain it, she doesnt understand it. I think its a mental block.   So I get home, and lay down, and by this time, I am having INTENSE stomach cramps. i mean really bad. i do not have any gas, I am not using the bathroom, I am flipping out, so i do what I do best, i sleep   From about 9 in the morning until 3, I have the worst unrestful sleep ever. Then Ray comes back to the house to generally harrass me and make me laugh. At this point, my stomach is like, look broad, go poop.   The reign of terror begins.   I am using the restroom like every 20 minutes. I start to feel better, sleep more, get some soup in me, and things today seem alright. I do feel like my stomach is swollen. So I will take it easy for the next few days, kick it on full liquids, and just try to help my stomach relax.   Is there such thing as a 24 hour stomach bug?   Other than that, my head is BUMPIN and I am hella dizzy. This is a side effect of not taking the Cymbalta yesterday and probably a little bit because I couldnt take the vitamin. I <3 my Cymbalta. I know that some people dont like it, but its made a huge difference in my life. Its not like a typical anti depressant. It doesnt really give me a case of the 'zombies' it makes me focused, and helps me stay on target. I like it alot. Besides the dizzies, it never does me wrong.   In any case, I am HUNGRY today. I have a doctors appointment on the 11th, so that should be good, I am ready for my fill   -A
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Why Skinny Girls are afraid of Fat Ones.

I got into a 'spirited debate' earlier today.   I have a co worker, shes beautiful. Shes got a beautiful body, and a beautiful face. Shes dumber than a bag of rocks. She wrecked a marriage of another co worker of mine. Shes 19.   No one knows about the surgery I had at work except for Jon, who is my bestie at work, and hes very supportive. Anyway, he also happens to be the one who got wrapped up in this pretty girl.   We we laughing, and joking around the other day, and he mentions this girl, and says she 'gets a free pass for being so pretty, think about it Angelica, shes never had to work as hard as you have'.   Ugh, so true.   In anycase, she and I get to talking, and apparently Jon has told her about my surgery. Fine, I am not ashamed of anything, to be really honest with you. I am happy about my surgery and the progress that I am making. Everything was fine until she said it 'Dont get skinnier than me!'.   Oh Bitch.   Its not ABOUT YOU. Its ABOUT ME. Right?   She then proceeds to tell me that I am going to be the total package, and that I shouldnt 'become a slut when I get skinny'   WTF?   At this point, she gets a concerned look on her face and says, Dont steal Jon from me.   ARGH.   Is that what she thinks, that Fat girls cant possibly be a threat now, even tho your boyfriend has said to be in the past, on many occasions that 'I'd sleep with you in a heartbeat', and 'if I want something to look at, I'll call someone else, I want to have an actual conversation, I will call you'.   This, this is why Skinny girls are afraid of fat girls.   Because they KNOW. They have full understanding that when we slim it down that not only will we appeal to people on a physical level, but all the hard work that we had to do, the sense of humor we had to develop, the intelligence, all of these things that we devloped from working hard, and not getting by scott free with anything.   I dont know is this is always true, if all men are this vapid and shallow, I mean, its a bad example, Jon did cheat on his very beautiful, very thin wife, so maybe he just doesnt get it. I hope all men arent like this.   All the sudden, these things are becoming realistic fears for me. I have been afraid and intimidated by men forever, now they want to interact with me. Now they smile at me in hallways, now they whisper to their friends when I walk by. Sometimes, being invisible like I used to be seems so much easier.   Its all a process, you know?   First, you have to say goodbye to your addiction to food, because your lifestyle HAS to change. you dont have a choice. Secondly, you battle other addictions that try to take its place, like liquor, other stupid things, then youre finally free, and youre working out, and youre doing better.   There are just so many things that I am afraid of these days.   -A :thumbup:
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Couch to 5K?

Hrm, this is going to be harder than i expected..   I decided that since i am over whatever was wrong with my stomach that I would start the Couch to 5K program today.   I made it 12 minutes.   Okay, I am not done, I am going to try this again later today. 25 minutes with NOT BEAT ME. But I was sweating like a pig There is a certain sense of elation, knowing that I can actually run if I put my mind to it, even if I was only for 3 minutes, its better than a kick in the ass. I feel awesome right now.   I am focused, I am ready, I am tired of being a fat girl.   Steve and I talked about my weight today, he did the awesome dude thing and told me it was fine with him, and that he wasnt worried about it, and he liked my boobs What fat girl doesnt have a nice rack? We talked about the surgery, hes had his own medical issues, so I am not worried about the scars or whatever, but its nice to know that someone supports me. When i told him about the Couch to 5k program, he told me he had faith in me.   I am turning into a pile of mush over this guy Hes completely awesome.   My bestie Ray introduced him to me, its sort of complicated, but Steve is so awesome, hes of the upmost of awesome. I feel sort of dewey and star stuck almost. I have been waiting for that nice guy forever. Maybe hes finally come my way? Everyone has their chance, right?   In any case, everything else is smooth sailing. I have cut down on the eating, stepped up the protein, and i got these gross Viactiv vitamins. My friend lied when she said they were like chocolate candies. LIES. they get stuck in my teeth, but its for the greater good, right?   Tomorrow is the power 90, and I will finish those last 13 minutes in my couch to 5k program today. I will.   -A
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Holidays, Family, and Other BS

Okay, so, I am Jewish, right? My dads side of the family is catholic, my moms side is Jewish.   Well, some of my aunts have been 'born again' Christains, which is fine, but Easter is a big deal to you guys!   Anyhow, so we got together for Easter celebrations because we dont want to leave anyone out, that isnt nice. My family jumped on my case so bad. 'Why arent you losing weight faster', 'Youre still fat', Why did you have a sugery when you couldnt lose weight faster, 'Are you supposed to eat that', 'Dont vomit on me'   Stupid stuff   Ignorant stuff, so since half of my family is being kind, and inviting people to an Easter celebration when we dont do the whole Easter thing, I decided that I would drop some knowledge on some people.   No, I will NOT lose as much weight as a Gastric Bypass patient as quickly as they will. Yes, I STILL have to diet, no this ISNT the easy way out.   I was defensive. I am the tallest woman on that side of my family, and the heaviest. My entire family is under 5'4. They are all blonde, and cute, and have big blue eyes.   Angelica is 5'6, shes got really pretty green eyes, brown hair, and a giant gutt.   God, I hate this gutt.   I wish I had a different body type sometimes, all though I realize, I was lucky to get what I have. I have thinner legs, and no butt, but my upper torso is huge, and I have a hanging pannus. The pannus isnt TOO big, in fact, its getting smaller, but still. I dont like it, its gross.   What I have been noticing is that every morning, when I crawl out of bed, I am happy to look at myself in the mirror, I SEE a difference. I am so excited. I am so glad I had this surgery. My friend Priscilla is considering having the surgery as well. I made a commitment to her that I would go to all of her appointments and wait for her so she wouldnt be scared.   I have noticed that sweet jesus is it difficult to get back on the straight and narrow when you cheat.   Alot of people say that your body craves what you put into it, and I slipped up and ate some crap when my peroid came around, and that just totally messed me up. Now I am struggling to retain some control. I can do this. I CAN do this.   My mother also said something the other day that made me want to scream. She said 'I think the reason your belly looks bigger is because the rest of you is getting smaller and its like an optical illusion'   THANKS MOM.   All of me is getting smaller! I'm excited about my next fill, its a month from now, but I have nice restriction now.   Just gotta eat better foods. Better foods, gotta get back on the right track, maybe going grocery shopping would be a good idea?   -A   :thumbup:
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Help me out, Please.

Issues, Issues, Issues. Food, I hate food, I love food. Food is the worst abusive boyfriend I have ever had. Albeit the longest boyfriend I have ever had. My band is tight, I have GOOD RESTRICTION. I can’t stop myself from eating until the food is gone, or until I am uncomfortable. If it’s in front of me, I have to eat it. I have resolved that I should get the food away from my face whist I am trying to make this change. In order to do that, I do a variety of things. If I am eating at my desk at work, and there’s more food than I should eat, I pour water or tea over the remaining food, and throw it away (don’t ask, yes, I have to ruin it before I throw it away). When I first had my band, I didn’t have these issues, I wasn’t tight enough to have them, I could eat however I liked, and I didn’t lose a lot of weight. I still haven’t lost a lot of weight, but I am trying my hardest to make the best choices when it comes to food. Since the tightening of the band, (I am now at 5.7 CC in a 10 CC AP band) I have started drinking. A lot. Like, every night, and if I don’t drink every night, I am thinking about drinking every night. Drinking has caused me to make some very stupid mistakes, and hurt myself even further. I don’t understand, is it not knowing your self worth that makes you want to hurt yourself, why do we sabotage ourselves? I just want to be free of all these addictions, and be able to breathe again. I can’t quit smoking, I can’t quit eating, I can’t quit any of it. Sometimes, I wish I could just go on disability and live in a nut house for a few weeks to help myself center again. I feel an emotional distance from God, from my family, from my friends. I make incredibly stupid choices sometimes. I feel out of control. Its strange, to honestly consider joining one of these programs to get your life straight. Having said that, I do have a good job with good insurance and an understanding boss. I have all of those things. If I feel like its necessary, why don’t I JUST DO IT. Mostly because of the social stigma, maybe it’s that it will make me feel like a failure. I don’t want to drink anymore. Sometimes, I think, okay, maybe I just need some talk therapy, sometimes, I think, okay, maybe I should detox my body and go on a 30 day juice fast to connect with God. Sometimes I think I just lack will power and I need to knuckle up and deal with it. The fact is that I NEED help, and that’s the most important thing. I guess today I will be making an appointment with a talk therapist. Maybe I just need to go to the freaking support group meetings that the WLS clinic offers. Christ, I feel completely confused and totally out of my element.
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Pfft to today.

So, the question for today, that I am making myself think of every time I make a decision is, 'Is this bringing me closer, or farther away from my goals'   Finding healthy food is really difficult these days. Its kind of insane, I mean, you go to a resturant, and you expect to find something that is at least half way decent, and everything is loaded down with fat and calories, and all that other bullshit. I'm just going to have to accept the fact that its going to be necessary for me to bring my lunch to work. Bleh. I hate the preperation that goes into it, the cleaning up after wards, bleh.   So I guess the goal is to try to stay as low carb as possible. I havent weighed myself in weeks. I'm not really worried about weighing myself either. Having said that, my clothes are looser, but not as loose as I would like them to be. I am exercising, and I am doing my best to stay right. Stay focused, worry about myself. The fact of the matter is that I am very rarely hungry. I eat because I guess like I feel I need too, but I dont. I feel slight hunger like once a day. I keep taking those stupid protein bullets, which arent the best things in the world, but I figure they probably taste better than most of the stuff out there, and at only 3 oz, they are really super easy to get down.   I also found this new stuff called muscle milk and oats, which has 30 grms of protein per serving. I dont know how they will taste, but I figure that food really isnt about deliciousness anymore. Its more about keeping me alive and making sure I hit all my dietary requirements. In fact, most of the time, food just seems like a huge hassle, I cant eat that, thats bad for me, too much sugar, too much this, too much that. Whats the point? Give me a small plate of chicken and vegetables, thats all I want At least then I know that I wont feel guilty.   Most of the time I hit up the mall food court, because we have a few healthfood places there, my bestie Ray can get pizza or whatever he wants, corpulus amounts of chinese food stacked on a plate, making everyone around us fatter and more miserable.   I dont want to be that person anymore. Food sucks. Its not a hobby, its not a past time, its something that was killing me. Even salad becomes a task for me, I dont want iceburg lettuce, I want real greens, whats the point of iceberg? Its useless, just water, give me something with some nutritional content, pls, kthx.   The truth is that I think I have hated food for a long time. I knew that food was the cause of me being miserable, I knew that my hands shoving it into my mouth had something to do with it too. I dont like it, I dont like eating it, I am just compelled to eat. I feel guilty the entire time I am eating, I feel guilty afterwards, and the guilt pushes me to just want to eat more. Its this stupid cycle that I just want to be free of. I'm just plain old sick and tired of all this bullshit. I have no patience left for even my own excuses.   So the question for today is, Is this bringing me closer, or moving me farther away from my goal?   I know that I need to up my protein consumption, because I have been adding small little forms of exercise into my daily routine. For instance, I smoke (I know, I dont need anyone's opinion, I smoke because I want too, get off my back) and everytime I go outside for a smoke, I circle our office building twice. Thats a half a mile. I normally go out for a smoke 2 or 3 times a day. In addition, I am working the power 90 everyday except Saturday (because the program says you have to take at least one day off) and if I can force myself out of bed in the morning, I plan on taking a nice 30 minute stroll on the treadmill before I start getting ready to go to work. This so far hasnt been successful. I normally get a late start, but I found this great alarm clock that releases this shreeking noises, and it has two wheels on the sides of it, it jumps off your night stand and wheels around, you have to catch the little bugger to shut it off.   This sounds like a fantastical idea to me It might actually get me up in the mornings. :notagree   -A
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Today

I am not quite as mental, and I feel alot better.   Didnt over eat, didnt drink last night.   I am headed in the right direction.   Addiction, at least for me, is about instant gratification. How do you work weight loss into instant gratification, how do I become addicted to being a health nut?   This is going to be my new task.   Called a therapist, have an appointment on Friday. Its gonna be good.   Today, the road seems so much clearer.   -A   :biggrin:
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Rehab and Restriction

mmm.. I got my fill on Friday. I am in heaven. Restriction is awesoommmeee. As of right now, I have 8 CCs in my 10 CC band, and I know I am only a few months along, but I needed the restriction. I am not going to worry about it.   I got some rough news on Friday, smoking causes errosion? WTF, WHY cigarettes, WHY, I LOVE YOU GUYS. I am going to have to give up on the smoking and thats some bullshit. I love cigarettes, I just do, they make me happy, i like smoking, its fun for me, I like the smell, I like the taste, lame sauce.   In other news, I have no dropped any weight since my last fill, which is why I asked the doctor (Dr Applebaum) to be aggressive with my fill. It was done in office without Floro, which is fine by me. I trust my doctor. My friend Ray came with me, because he didnt believe that they shove an instrument of death into you when they are giving fills. 'Little Poke' my ass Dr Applebaum.   So its sunday, and I can already tell my restriction is awesome. It might be a little tight, but I am not giving up this fill unless I start showing symptoms of the band being too tight.   I feel right at the right place, I can eat a jello cup (sugarfree) and it fills me up, I am kicking it on protein and liquids for right now, not a lot of solid foods, just because, I can, I guess. I dont feel the need to shovel food into my face. Restriction is awesome.:eek:   I really honestly believe I am on my way Fat girl no more. Its time to hit the treadmill.   -A
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

She hit the floor

Hoo boy, its been a busy month, my dears.   So, I got over all the crying and whining, and moved out of my previous apartment. Steve still hasnt come back around. Its alright. If he does, we might have another go at it, I dont know. We will see how it goes.   Just as a side note, its really super hard to move at 1 in the morning when its raining and colllllddd.   I got it done, some of the personal relationships in my life are sort of skewed right now. Obviously, my relationship with my exroommate are strained. I felt so guilty, dropping the moving out bomb on her when her grandfather had passed away only a few days before. I HAD to do it. I couldnt be stuck anymore, you know?   In any case, work has become strained as of late. There have been layoffs, and my boss is coming into town next week. I'm a little nervous about it. I dont think I will get fired, but its safe to say that I have slacked off, at the very least, last year. I have been applying for other jobs, and have a nice lead on a very good job with a huge company. The pay would almost double what I make, and it will be very similar to what I do now. I am going to make the move if the opprotunity is presented to me.   My life feels l ike its coming together since I moved into my new apartment, mind you, its been less than a week, but who cares. I upgraded, bought myself a new bed with my income tax money. Now its time to find someone to share it with.   My bestie ray and I have been having a hard time too. I feel like I have this new found independence, and it seems like hes always trying to tell me what to do! AND he almost burnt my carpet in the new apartment yesterday. Hes annoying the shit out of me, and I am doing the same back to him, so I will just try to keep things under control.   My mother is a little annoyed with me, I've been borrowing money as of late. Shes a little grumpy about it, but she never says no, so I guess its not so bad, I need to get some stability so that I dont have to borrow this money from her.   Now, then, for the weight loss plan.   I have lost another pant size. I dont know how that equates, because I refuse to weigh myself, but my fill is tomorrow, so I will know very soon. I feel some restriction. I need some more. Keep focused, stay ahead, and never ever let them see you sweat kiddo.
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

baby, I'm back

=)   Okay, so, things are good. Lets play catchup:   I got a boyfriend, he moved in, we're in love, things are awesome. Hes HUGE. Like six foot four, makes me feel safe, makes me feel SMALL. He told me I was tiny the other day =) His name is Raul, and I had dated him before, but it fell apart for various reasons, and now its back on. I'm happy.   My bestie ray and I arent besties anymore. He did something really vile, and I cant talk about it, because I am still moving through the stages of dealing with it. Once I own it and its mine, I will be more willing to discuss.   I still have issues, but my fill is strong, and my band is helping me. I have lost about 50-55 lbs (I never weigh myself) and i am down to a size 20 in jeans, and like a 14/16 in tops. I have a small butt, and thin legs, but that big stupid gut. I hate it =( I am moving along steadily. I just keep eating better, and fixing my attitude, and I feel like I am doing well, its been 10 months, almost, I'd like to lose a total of 75 lbs the first year and 50-65 the second year. I feel like its a feasible realisitic goal. I learned that you dont always have to rush everything.   I've got to look up the prices of tailors, I need to have my pants tailored, so that I can actually fit into them. The legs of my pants are so big and sloppy, but the waist fits. Its sort of a cycle I guess. I will have them tailored.   I am still plugging away at the same job. Its fine. Its not fantastic, but my insurance company is going to pay for my skin removal after I lose 100 pounds, and I am having my accessory breast tissue (side boobs, hot pockets, little bunches of grossness in my armpits) and my pannus removed hopefully in January after six months. My first consult with the plastic surgeon is on the 26th, and I am exicted and nervous. Its so hard to work out, because I get this terrible rash on the pannus, and on top of that, its always flip flopping everywhere like a dead fish.   Gross.   Chop that shit off.   I'm sick now, with something in my lungs, its hideous. I have been sick since last Monday, but the doctor told me it was viral bronchitis and I couldnt take any antibiotics for it.   The truth is, I dont know if I want to take antibiotics anymore because I feel like my body needs to stand up for itself   I stopped smoking, which i know is part of the reason why I am STILL sick. I know that your lungs move all sorts of gross stuff up when you quit smoking, and I expect to be sick for a while, so I am just trying to grin and bear it, because smoking is really kinda lame. I never realized how much I stunk. :w00t:   -A   :tt2:
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Sugar Crash?

Okay, so I havent eaten any sugar lately. By lately, I mean, probably for a week, I have been eating really well, fruits, veggies, chicken, and fish.   so today, I figured, some variety, I will have celery with peanut butter.   Oh mistake.   about 10 minutes after I ate it, I crashed, meaning, i could hardly keep my eyes open. I ended up taking a lunch, which I normally dont do at work, (I just eat at my desk, since my meals are so small) and having to go take a nap in the car for an hour! I couldnt believe it.   Even AFTER the nap, I was still out of it and exausted, and so I ate my little tuna fish cup (I found these recently, they are 2.8 ounces of tuna, 80 calories, 19 grms of protein) and I felt alot better and was able to keep my eyes open.   Needless to say, I will not be eating peanut butter again at work. I couldnt believe how tired I was.   Today, in total, I have had 2 tuna cups, 80 cal each, 38 grms of protein one grapefruit 4 strawberries about 2 tblspoons of peanut butter and one stick of celery.   When I look at this, I realize the calories are really low, but I feel good eating this way. I know later today I will be slightly thrown off, because I am going to have bbq brisket for dinner.   I am trying to stay away from everything white, having said that, I still really love eating my fruits, and I dont plan on giving them up. I know, the whole thing about the fruit and how you have to be careful with it. I am not really too worried about it at this point.   Also, I have been adding juices into my diet. I have a Jack LaLanie juicer, which is awesome, I love it. So with that, I am making myself this juice cocktail called 'Green lemonaide'   Its not the best tasting thing in the world to be honest with you, but its jam packed with nutrients, and good for you stuffs.   Green Lemonaide   1 head of green leaf lettuce (whatever kind, just not iceburg, I normally use romaine) 3 stalks of kale 2 stalks of celery 1 lemon (this kills the bitterness of raw kale) 1 or two apples (for sweetness)   I juice that all up and end up with about 24 OZ of liquid, to which I add a soy protein packet (25 grms of protein) and have that for breakfast/lunch, because its alot of juice and sort of difficult to get down.   In addition to that, I also take 6 spirula tabs a day (super food) 1 multivitamin 3 omega 3's, 3 super fiber tabs (if I skip the fiber tabs, I can eat a helluva lot more than if I take them) and 2 cranberry capsuls (this is for urinary tract health, I tend to get a lot of urinary tract infections, so this helps alot)   I realize this sounds like ALOT of vitamins, and it is, actually, but taking this cocktail of vitamins plus my daily antidepressant, and avoiding sugar seems to put my moods in a more even keel. I have more energy, and eat ALOT less. I am happy with it.   I am also fairly happy with my restriction, but the more weight i lose, the more I look forward to my visit to the surgeon to have my next fill. Over all, I feel like I am finally getting this bandster thing right, I feel healthy, my skin looks better, my eyes are brighter, and my nails and hair are growing at an incredible rate.   -A  
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Where every step I took in faith betrayed me.

Things are swimming, my dears.   Starting low carb, its sort of strange, but I figure its like, the best idea for someone who hasnt reached complete restriction. You get the protein you need, right?   So its only day one, hour 4. I am itching for a fix :redface:   I have started the day out with crab meat, which is nice, 45 calories per serving, and 10 grms of Protein. Head Hunger is killing me. I just keep shoving food into my face. So, we are back to the question that I now have to ask myself everytime I am about to put something in my mouth. 'Is this really going to carry me closer to my goals, or farther away'. I have been doing well with the fast food thing, and that is pretty much working itself out of my life. Now I am struggling with the overeating, and the portion control that I know I will have the next time I get my fill. I can feel it, but its still difficult. I figure that since the low carb diet kinda kills your appetite, this might be perfect until I reach my sweet spot.   The low carb diet sort of works like this, and I know this because I have been on one for quite sometime on and off.   I have found the quickest way to jump start MY weight loss is to do something that they call 'Meat and Eggs' over at Lowcarb.ca. Basically, youre eating just that, meat and eggs for the first few days, you really shouldnt take it longer than 5, and you take your vitamins, and drink only water. This does something for getting rid of something that is harmful to you, except I cannot remeber all the details.   THEN, I like to take it straight into induction. I will note that normally when I do the meat and egg thing, I lose like 10-15 pounds in 3 days, which is likely all water anyway, so pfft. I work vegetables into my diet, and like to hover there for months at about 30 - 40 carbs a day, then carb creeeeep sets in on me, and I forget just how many carbs I am consuming, and the whole thing starts again, EXCEPT, this time, leave the carb creep off the end of the story.   I am focused, I have an incredible person in my life who believes I am worth this, so I am going to believe it too. I am going to give this an honest to God effort, and stop messing around and playing around with my life.   Yeah, I am a little frustrated with myself today but thats besides the point.   -A
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Fills, fills, fills

So, the last time I went to go see my doctor, about 9 days ago, I told them something was right about my fill, I could basically eat whatever I wanted too, and my doctor said, 'I dont want to make you TOO tight, so we're going to do the next one under floro.   That happens on Friday.   I feel a little disenchanted with the band, but I understand its just growing (more like shrinking) pains.   I started eating differently last week. A friend of mine wanted to 'go raw' and see how it felt for a few days.   So I did, I started eating only raw foods, meaning, nuts, vegetables, fruits, making real juices in my juicer, coming up wtih creative ways to eat them, I did that for 4 days, after which, I decided that I would have a few 'free days'.   The four days, I was bouncy, happy, my skin was better, and I felt like I dropped some weight, the 3 subsequent days, I did not feel that way. My only concern with raw eating is the idea that I am not finding a way to get the protein I need, so I am trying to figure out how to work that into a raw food diet, I might just have to buy some protein powder and throw it into my green machine juice that I make every morning.   I am back on raw as of today, and wil be until saturday, when I will go off of raw for two days again. We will see how it works, its a very VERY interesting experiement.   -A
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Never

That song, love like this. Okay - I like it, and I realize, and my music snob friends tell me all the time that I listen to shitty music, I get that. But that new Natasha Beddingfield song is awesome.   Okay, so the weight loss, shea, well. Look, I'm fuckin up. I realize that, and I feel like shit about it. I'm TIRED of feeling guilty. My life has to change.   So, for the past two days, I have drug myself out of bed on time, I have worked out. I havent done the Power 90 yet, because I have to clean my room :redface: But I will do that tonight to be prepared. My life is going to change. Realizing that my eating habits were formed over a life time, and will take more than 3 months to fix and change, I am taking this one day at a time. Slow and steady wins the race, I am motivated to write down the things I eat so that I can keep track of them, I keep striving for a perfect day.
Angelica

Angelica

1
 

Addictive

'My ups, my downs, my high and my lows?'   My situation with Steve is over. Its a long drawn out explination, I am pretty much, well, its not a good day for me.   I'm taking this one day at a time. One day. One hour, ten minutes at a time.   Having gotten the bad news out of the way, the good news is that both my mother and I were promoted, which is funny, we dont work in the same industry, but we are both going to have to do alot more travel.   2 minutes at a time   I had an egg and a sausage patty for breakfast.   -A
Angelica

Angelica

1
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