W Scot H's Blog

9 days to go...

I was getting nervous yesterday about the lack of contact from my surgeons office, so I gave a call to the Insurance coordinator there and she said things were going fine. I should have my approval any day now. I trust her assessment because she does this for her job. It makes me a bit less apprehensive about the timing. I now have appointments at the hospital and with the surgeon for pre op stuff first thing next week. Surgery is still planned for the 29th. I spent a lot of the rest of the day thinking about how vulnerable I am to addictions. My wife has been at her wits end with me and I really don't blame her. I have been difficult. I called the psychologist that did my bariatric evaluation. It was really strange when I talked to her in my evaluation. I have talked with so many different "shrinks" at the Veterans Administration that could not believe that I was not a smoking alcoholic. Many times they kept trying to get me to admit I drank or smoked so they could get an "easy fix" for a veteran. When I sat down with the new, non VA person, it felt like a watershed moment for me. I was able to actually discuss myself rather than what I considered a confrontation with all the VA whacks. I will still have to see the VA but I called the new person back and scheduled another session. I am really introverted today, so perhaps that is why I am having such a struggle writing today. I think I will close for now. Thanks for reading, I will be back.

W Scot Hayworth

October 21, 2015

So it starts

Hello, I am Scot, I am about 10 days from my surgery and wanted to start this log of my journey. I have undergone a psychological review, Dietary consult and had my initial Surgeons Meeting and consultation. I am now waiting for my Surgeon to schedule my Pre Op surgery appointment and have my Pre Op appointment with the hospital. This blog will be my way of talking about the crazy thoughts going through my head as I travel this... So this is real... I am really going to do this! (as long as my insurance don't get all stupid.) I have been overweight since I left the Military 18 years ago. I have diabetes, high blood pressure, and high Cholesterol. I have had Sleep Apnea most of my life (even when I was not overweight) but it has been exacerbated by my weight. My wife is scared to death that I am going to die soon. I guess what made me seek this out is that I am not ready to die. My family has a history of being a bit chunky but not to the same level as me. I teeter from 300 to 320 depending on my constant battle with weight gain. I attribute my weight gain from my experiences in the service. I don't blame the military, I did this to myself but, my military service did not help. Let me explain without going into too much detail. In Boot Camp, while the meals were somewhat balanced, they encouraged you to eat at breakneck speed. I learned how to scarf food at record pace. This habit is perpetuated all throughout my career because of commitments we have to our command, to the schedule work needing to be done, to emergent situations. Many times I would go to the galley and mess-decks to eat quickly and get back to work on something. always dreading the phone on the deck from ringing and being for me. If it was, it meant I cut my mealtime short. Exercise on a deployed ship is haphazard at best. PT in the service back then was not very directed or mandatory for a deploying unit. Physical readiness tests were held every year and it gradually got worse for me because I Think I was too dependent on directed exercise instead of self directed fitness. I became a workaholic and some things in your life suffer when you become so fixated at one facet of your life. I had a few incidents in the service that left me with PTSD, Anxiety and Depression. While it was easy to identify the depression and get that treated by the VA, it would be nearly 14 years later that I was diagnosed with the PTSD and Anxiety to receive the help I needed. I have been working with Psychologists and Psychiatrists on the PTSD and Anxiety issues and I have gotten them (somewhat) to a dull roar in my head. One of the factors of my weight gain has been identified as my use of food to dull and cover up the anxiety and stress I have on a daily basis. Once this dawned on me, I realized that this was a huge contributing factor of my Obesity. My wife has watched me grow since 2000 from the slightly pudgy man I was, to this gigantic bellied man that waddles when he walks. I know I have been discounted at work for my appearance, although I have proved my value time and time again. I need this to stop. It took nearly a year of my wife coaxing me to investigate the process and we finally have the means to cover the costs. I am 110% onboard with this process. I used to be a confident, charismatic, and healthy young man. I want to regain that confidence and health back so that I can begin to enjoy my life instead of constantly fighting my weight all the time. Is this surgery going to fix me?? Not likely on its own, I have no illusions that this surgery is going to be the magic process in which I regain my health. This surgery is a tool for me to use to win the fight against my obesity. the surgery will cause irrevocable changes to the way I live. I have been spending the last month and a half working on breaking habits and removing some of the most difficult issues from my diet. in 10 days, this will change drastically insomuch that the current things I am doing will need to be stopped and I will need to start taking care of me, feed myself correctly, listen to my body on such a different emotional level than I have ever needed to. This SCARES the hell out of me. If this process doesn't scare someone, then they need to sit down, read about the changes, and realize this is such a drastic change in their life. This isn't about going to get a tummy tuck or liposuction, This is a complete reworking of your digestive system. don't drink before or after meals. Eat SLOWLY. No Sugar. These actions are what I do all the time, and I have to stop. This is going to require drastic measures. I believe I am ready. Step one is making the Decision. I went to a seminar put on by my surgeons practice, and it was very informative. there was a full room of people. The one thing I noticed in the crowd that I felt like I was different than these people. I listened to the seminar and watched people around me. I felt like I was in a room full of people that felt it would be completely different than what the speaker was saying. I heard lots of scoffing from people that are in a worse position than I am. I know this isn't for everyone. But the sheer lack of consideration from some of these people. I had done about a week of research and I read a lot of stories, both good and bad. I think most people do read as much as they can about the procedures. Many of the people in the room seemed to have their opinions formed prior to the seminar. Many of them had false information that was corrected by the speaker (She was a saint dealing with a couple people there) I worry about one thing... delaying the surgery because of insurance. Insurance is the evil right now. I fear that is what is holding up my next appointments. We shall see over the next few days what happens. thanks for reading. I will be back.

W Scot Hayworth

October 19, 2015

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