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vinesqueen's Journal
 

Your changing body

I wrote this in response to this thread. http://lapbandtalk.com/showthread.php?t=14862 Kellie had written about being dissatisfied and bored after losing more than 60 pounds. She wants more, but isn't sure what is going on because she's changing so rapidly. ...   Romance is not just for the beginnning. Romance is for sustaining the relationship.   Okay, I can't talk about losing weight, and the changes it brings, but I think I can speak to the base issue.   Everyone gets bored occasionally, even I do. But the key is find something passionate. I'm not just talking sex, but passion for life.   Of course you are in a weird place right now, and of course you wouldn't know what you are doing, where you are going. You, my dear, are entering uncharted territory. You are physically changing dramatically, and with those physical changes come emotional changes. Instead of hating what is happening to you, instead of hating the changes, I think you need to fully embrace the new you. Celebrate because you are going where you wanted to go.   But it's hard to understand the why and how when you are right in the middle of the transformation. I think butterflys don't like it when they first change. They used to be one thing, and everyone around them knew what to expect, they knew what to expect as the catapiller. Becoming a butterfly means that they have a whole new skill set to learn, they must learn to fly, they must learn a new way to eat, they must learn a new way to interact with everyone around.   You have all this new found energy, that you are not used to having. Of course you want to shake things up because you now have enough energy to want something more, something different.   I think your needs go beyond the bedroom. I think right now you need a little apprication, because we all do. I think you need some extra TLC because you are changing so rapidly, and change can be very scary. But I think if you want more romance, you will need to be more romantic in turn. But only you and your husband can decide what is romantic for you. Latenight pic-nics under the stars, love notes, camping trips, dancing... all different.   Perhaps that's it! Dancing! I know that ballroom dancing is making a comeback bigtime, and for good reason. It's great excersize and romantic at the same time. It will give you a way to connect with your husband on an intimate level, that doesn't involve being naked, but rather on a different level that is just as important as sex.   But one thing I think is important here. You need to find something that you are passionate about that has nothing to do with sex. You need to channel this new energy you have into something constructive. I don't know if you have communtiy parks and recreation centers where you can go learn a new hobby like painting or ceramics or woodworking or soemthing like that. You might look at your working situation, maybe transfer to another group or take some classes that will further your career. (my career is one of my passions) Perhaps volunteer with an organization that you feel strongly about, the local animal shelter, homeless shelter, or battered woman's center. Get involved with politics or the local gardening club. Start a catering business where you only do children's parties. Buy a new video game....   Your husband and children cannot fulfill all your needs. I don't believe it is fair for you to ask them too either. You need to find something else you can focus on, something that gives you passion, or fires your smoldering passion __________________
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

1
lianna's Journal
 

Feb 13 & 14

Monday   b....protein shake l.....beef caldo, 4 chips and salsa d....blackened fish, salad, broccoli, .....later a poptart   Tuesday b....coffee 10:00 ran and got a taco on my conference, bacon and egg with bean...ate the tortilla l.....handful of almonds, some jerky, a piece of cheese d....steak, salad, asparagus.....I think I need a fill   My students brought me so much crap, but all I ate was 3 chocolate covered strawberries. I brought the rest home to John. Good thing I dont have much of a sweet tooth.
lianna

lianna

1
luvlif's Journal
 

2/14/06 240 my scale 247 on geiss

2.3cc in my band? per Powers... had .3cc + 1.00cc + 1.00cc? I thought I had .5cc more added it should be 1.5 cc/1.8cc whatever! I feel restriction! L:4 tbsp matzo ball soup & 3/4 cup stuffed derma 400cals D:Duh! I can only have liquids to-day.. it's soup to nite fish w spinach & horseradish (per Ms Mel)Joy , Kathy & Powers said I look good. Powers came up to me & shook hands w me. Mel said sometimes the restriction disappears after the 1st couple of weeks. Mel said not to eat if I'm not hungry. She said the Nutri would disagree but I should stick to 800 cals & not eat when not hungry. She said it's because I eat 800 & exercise that I lost 4 lbs she said "If you lose 1 lb a wk..that's 52lbs in a year.. most wt loss patients don't have any parience...they all want to loose it quickly, you have to give it 2 years." I told her "I'm serious about losing the wt this is not a dress rehersal for me... I also know if I eat 1500-1200 as per nutri I'll never lose wt. " Powers had to do my fill Mel couldn't find my port. He loved my saying @ the support group mtg "build a bridge & get over it" Mel said "what did they think they were on the Jerry Springer show?" Mel told me not everyone PBs when I told her it never happened to me. right now I feel restricted. He was v subdued to-day ... I didnt go to mgmnt mtg & it's Valentines day...I pissed @ him & he knows he's wrong, yesterday I asked him wordlessly in his office after sales mtg" So, this is your love for me?" With his eyes he said "ILY"
luvlif

luvlif

1
Julie*'s Journal
 

February 14

Today I am really hungry. I thought it was supposed to be easier by day 4 but not yet. I'm hanging in there but I think I might have to go to bed really early tonight. :notagree   I just hope that doing this liquid diet will help me to understand and control that initial hunger that I keep reading about that seems to happen a few days after the surgery. I wonder if the ppl who are hungriest are those who didn't have any sort of pre-op diet? I imagine that the hunger I feel now is the same hunger they feel post-op? Who knows but it is food for thought.   The thing I am worried about giving up the most is soda. I really love Diet Coke- I love the fizz. I figure that I am just going to be done with it and we won't have it in the house anymore. Mark said he'll drink it at work and won't care if it's at home or not. I am happy that Em and Myles won't see me drinking soda all of the time anymore. I'm not a very good role model for them in that aspect.   Julie
Julie*

Julie*

1
wendyr's Journal
 

February-4 months later

:decision: :decision: Well, it has been a little over 4 months since I have been banded and I have lost over 35 pounds since then:clap2: I just had my second fill on 1/28 and it has really gave me alot of restriction, I have just been able to take a couple bites of meat without being sick the past couple of days. Since the beginning of January I have started walking at the YMCA 2 to 3 times a week on the treadmill, walking and jogging. I think that has really increased my weight loss efforts.:eek: Plus it has cleared my mind. I started a new job a month before my surgery at a constuction site where we are building a 7 story hotel, I do all the office managing on the site. since I have lost over 35 pounds, I have noticed that I am getting alot of attention lately, which I love in a way, but I am also a little uncomfortable with. I have been married for almost 15 years and I love my husband very much. So I kind of feel guilty for enjoying all the attention I am getting at work. :noidea: I don't know if I completly trust myself if I were put in a situation. And that makes me mad about myself.:angry It kind of makes me want to sabatage my weightloss. Anyway, I may need to see a specialist about this one. I don't want to sabatage my weightloss because I feel healthier then ever. But the attention from one guy in particular worries me because he is attractive and I love the flirting. I know I am a horrible person. I had to talk about it somewhere though. There really is no one I can talk to about these feelings. I like to think that if I was actually in a situation to cheat that I wouldn't do it, but I also know how good the attention feels. My husband gives me attention but we are also very comfortable with just being laid back and not giving attention. we are intimant every week once or twice a week and it is satisfing, so you would think that would keep me from having bad thoughts about another guy. Unfortunently it doesn't:mad: I hate that about myself.
wendyr

wendyr

1
Fish Out of Water
 

In the begining....

Well, this is a great tool to keep track of things isn't it? I'm glad I found this site. I never thought about doing surgery before because I never thought I was that fat. But apparently I am, and I think I have really known that all along.   To top all that off, I live in Portugal where obesity is not such a widespread problem. I actually almost fell out of my chair laughing yesterday at a doctor’s appointment. See by law here, if you work then you’re entitled to insurance through the government. Nice right... but that also means that once a year they get to send you to a doctor and run all kinds of test. It was this doctor that I was seeing. She asked me....Do you have any health problems. And my response was, well, other then my weight, no. And she said, ohh right, but that’s a characteristic of your people right? :omg: She was saying it’s a characteristic of Americans to be fat. After I finished laughing, I thought. Gezz....   Any way, it was her that suggested I get lap band surgery and it wasn’t until then that I seriously considered doing it. It seems to make a huge difference when a doctor suggests it. My husband is against it, he doesn't think I'm that fat and he says surgery should be a last resort. Well, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I'm 25 and I have been fat since I was about 6. I've been on pretty much every diet you can think of. Sometimes I loose, some times I don't. But one thing that is guaranteed, I gain it back plus some. I'm currently 5'5 and 242lbs. I didn't even realize how fat I was getting because we weigh in kilos here and 110kilos doesn’t sound like much, until I converted it.   Well, I have an appt with the bariatric doctor on the 24th, so we will see what he has to say. I'm sure I qualify my bmi is 40.3 and I have headaches and other pains. Not to mention I can't find clothes here in my size :phanvan , I'm always asking my mom to send me stuff from the states, but that gets expensive.   Well, that's it for now. Hugs and butterflies for every one.
K@t

K@t

3
chameleon's Lap-Band Journal
 

what the hell am I up for...

Hey, I am tired but I can't sleep...doesn't make sense! I was born in the wrong time zone I think. Anyway...work is crushing me, but it's ok. I just hate the stupid bs politics that I (we all) have to deal with day in and day out...I start fantasizing about saying shove it up your arse ya jackasses and just walking out....but then I've had that fantasy forever. Oh well, the other thing buggin me is my daughter. She is so stubborn and such a smartass that she will see me in my grave before she makes a move to reunite with me and the rest of the family...she's just amazing....I hope this is just a phase of extreme narcissim...is there such a thing? I can only gues that its because I am a marshmallow and I feel sorry for everyone and everything...that she has become exactly the opposite...closely related to sociopathy actually....kinda scarry too but not like she would kill anyone...just like she would rip their heart out and run over it...ummm....yes I do sound nutso...this is what kids do to unsuspecting parents sometimes! Ok enough of her...The work shop is the day after tommorow...and tommorow is my 42nd birthday...I find that hard to believe...I think I lost like ten or fifteen years somewhere...oh yeah they are buried in fat...maybe I will see them dripping off me soon...hope so! Ok I am rambling cuz I don't have much to say so nighty night!:faint:
chameleon

chameleon

2
csl12's Journal
 

I decided to stop Reading and start Writing

Today is the day.....I finally have made the decision to self pay and go to mexico :clap2: . I have researched and researched and I have come across two Doctors that seem to fit the bill literally. Of course money is only secondary to my decision but it is a factor. Dr. Kuri and Dr.Covarrubias are my two choices and from everything i have read and the people I have spoken with, I believe these are the Docs for me. I know that Dr. Kuri is in TJ, MX and package deal is 8995.00 vs. Covarrubias 8000.00. The difference between these guys comes down to this. Kuri offers 2 yrs of free fills and Cov. does not. Although Cov. includes airfare, hotel, surgery vs. Kuri does not pay for air fare but everything else. I dont know about all of you out there but Cov. has a Docpay which for those who have horrible credit like myself and would not qualify for a loan can put down a payment and then have automatic withdraw come out of acount. I will be calling Dr. Cov. tomorrow to find out the ligustics and so on and will go on from there. I really feel like this is all going to come true and that is scary but amazing.
csl12

csl12

2
lotsofkids's Journal
 

Feb 13th Surgical Appointment

I have previously completed the seminars and workshops ....Today I met with the Surgeon @ Cleveland Clinic. I just barely make the BMI requirement of 35...but hopefully with my strong apnea, I will get insurance approval. Now I need to go down the list of all the other checkups and bloodwork that is needed to be cleared for the next step.
lotsofkids

lotsofkids

2
liberty2003's Journal
 

02/13/2006 Damn Thyroid

Ok, so i woke up with a really bad cold. I kinda feel like i am getting Bronchius or an upper respitory infection..So i feel like crap as it is and i was sitting @ work and my doctor called. She was like i got your blood test back from when you went to urgent care the other day. I am increasing your thryoid medicine because its way to high again. She was like this is something that can't wait. We need to try to get this under control. She also sd that my WBC (white blook count) is elevated which means i have an infection. She even called in my prescription to the pharmacy because she was like this can't wait. She wants me back in 1-2 months and if it doesn't show some sort of it going down she wants me to get a thryoid scan...Like i don't have enought stuff to worry about..
liberty2003

liberty2003

1
Kim's Daily Food Log Journal
 

02/10/06 The day of Demise!!

So ok, I fell, I was doing so good and then BAM!!! Fell Hard! Since I am being honest with myself I will notate everything I ate over the weekendand look up the calories for the next post. I am so upset with myself seeing that I am so close to wonderland. Back on the horse is where I need to be and the relaxed weekend eating has to be cut off until I am down under 200!!!   Friday:   Breakfast: 100 calorie pack of Cheese Nips: 100 calories Lunch: 1/2 chargrilled chicken sandwich from Chick fil a w/ low fat mayo and 1/2 order of small fries: 290 calories   HERE COMES THE DOWNFALL!! afterwork snack: 2 bites of cookie cake with frosting from the mall Dinner: Don Pablos: 7 huge chips with about 3/4 cup of salsa, 1 chicken fajita nacho ( actually one from the order, which came with 8) and then lots of extra cheese, chicken and sour cream that I nibbled on as my band would let me. Then a sopapilla(SP) for dessert. PLUS 1/4 glass of COKE!!: total: 1 billion calories, so I know preband I would have eaten a basket of chips, 2 bowls of hot sauce, the entore order of nachos and sopapillas with extra buttery rum sauce. But still Friday was only the beginning!   At least did 40 minutes on the Gazelle which burned off 400 calories!   Saturday: 02/11/06   Breakfast: 2 more bites of cookie cake with icing that was PB'd because for some reason I thought I could eat this when I first woke up???   Lunch: 1/2 childs cheeseburger from Whataburger, 1/2 french fries and ketchup. 400 calories   snack: Half of a piece of cookie cake with icing and a peanut butter bar from Mrs. Fields!!!! Probably a million calories.   Dinner: 1/2 roll with butter, 1/3 side salad with ranch dressing, cheese and croutons. 1/3 chicken fried steak sandwich with mayo and pickles!!! Probably a million calories.   At least I did 40 minutes on the Gazelle, this burned off 400 calories!!   Sunday: 02/12/06   Breakfast: none   Lunch: 4 bites fried onions in sauce, 10 bites chicken fried steak w/ cream gravy, 1/3 baked potato loaded, 10 bites side salad complete with ranch, cheese, croutons, eggs and tomatoes and sweet Tea~   snack: 15 peanut butter Hershy Kisses and a Dr. Pepper!!   Dinner: Back to Donny P's for 8 chips, 1/2 cup of salsa, 1 whole nacho and then nibbles of cheese and chicken from the top of the nachos, 2, count them 2 sopapillas with yummy buttery rum sauce! Then 1/2 of a coke!!!   Snack: 5 more peanut butter Hershy kisses!   SWEET PETE, NO EXERCISE SINCE I WAS SO MISERABLE FROM WHAT I ATE!! I just remembered before we went to dinner I hit the fridge with my leftover chicken fried steak and ate the breading and gravy off of it whilst standing in front of the fridge!   Now to today:   Monday: 02/14/06   The horror continues:   Breakfast: 10 Reese peanut butter cups!   Lunch: 1/2 childrens cheese burger, 1/2 childrens fries DIPPED IN MAYO!!! 8 oz of coke: 500 calories   snack: 10 more Reeses Peanut Butter Cups!   This is all I will eat today since I won't get home until 8:30 from work and have too much homework to worry about!   I will make it through valentines day and I will hit it hard again with no cheating!!   God I am really disgusted with myself at this point, how can I go so quickly back into fat girl eating mode!?? I know I would have eaten TONS more pre band, but I just feel disgusting!!! Time to nip it in the bud. Bad habits are so hard to break!
kimalicious

kimalicious

3
Heather Joy's Journal
 

I'm on Steroids!!

Ugh, steriods....lovely... Well, let me start from the beginning- Ive been having REALLY bad headaches/migraines. I went to the Dr. & he put me on a high dose of anti-inflammitories,which did NOTHING....so after crying the whole weekend I called my Dr back today & he put me on steroids-for 6 days. I hope to GOD this works because I am running out of energy(well,that ran out a loooooong time ago,so I guess patience & sanity is more the words Im looking for). *Crossing fingers* I`ll let ya'll know soon if Im feeling better!:help:
Heather Joy

Heather Joy

1
wendyr's Journal
 

October 6, 2005

Lapband Surgery Date was October 6, 2005, starting weight before pre-op was 230 pounds, surgery day weight was 222 pounds. Very nervous and questioning my decision. I was suppose to do all clear liquids for 7 days and I only did it for 3. My surgery was very successful though. I was up and walking that night because I made myself. I know from past surgerys that the quicker you move the faster you recover.   The week after my surgery was the toughest. Everyone was eating and I couldn't, I was really starting to regret my discision and mad at myself for going to this extreme to loose weight:confused: My port area was very sore and my shoulder was sore.
wendyr

wendyr

1
SKBishop78's Fight For Self Confidence
 

Day 5

I have lost 14 lbs...woo-hoo, however, I am sooooo hungry!!! I feel like I could eat a horse. I am excited, and everyone is trying hard to keep me on track!! I have alot of support at home, and at work. I was impressed that Michael (DH) actually read my whole diet plan for before and after surgery. It has been his first interest in my surgery so far. It made me feel good that he took interest in it, as long as he doesn't become a DR overnight and try to correct what I am doing, because he read my papers.:eek:
skbishop78

skbishop78

2
Julie*'s Journal
 

February 13

Well, I am losing weight with the pre-op diet so that is the good news right?   Actually, it's weird because I am really hungry but almost feeling like I am starting to let go of these demons that keep telling me I can't do this. I think it's because I am on day 3 of the liquids, haven't cheated once, and am feeling a bit proud of myself. It sure is a constant struggle and I hope it gets easier on day 4 but I have faith that I will do it. Plus, a real bonus would be to have the surgery 10 pounds (or so) lighter than I am now!   Otherwise, Mark and I are just trying to work out the logistics of the week. We mainly need help with the kids and getting them home and stuff. Thank God for family support. My parents are being amazing. My Mom even came to work today to have lunch with me and brought her own shake. :eek:
Julie*

Julie*

1
My Lapband Journal
 

Sister

My littlest sister who I have never been very close to and lives in colorado with none of her family and must like it that way, takes a surprising interest in my WLS.   She wants to be involved and I let her. She wants to pay for self and be there for me.   She is so releived and so happy for me.   I realize that she is alot like my dad, she can love you unconditionally, not needing some kids of relationship to care about her sister who fighting for her life in such poor health, getting treatment that is considered Do or DIe. She cant think of anything more important in her life than THIS.   Me and my loved ones who live near me dont think like this. Its not like I got cancer and going in for the cure but it could kill me.. I made myself so obese that I broke my body and had to get WLS. Yeah, its a new hope.. Another chance at a life. She is so happy I have this opportunity,   I feel like I dont deserve it.. SO its hard to feel good about..   Sometimes I think maybe I should of just died...   My sister thinks thats the stupidest thing she ever heard. She doesnt know.. She hasnt had to live with me in her life. She cant undertand how my kids or our other sister or I...could be so lax about it..   We are tired, we are affraid, we only know failure and trust nothing. No one wants to feel any kind of real hope cuz one more lost hope and we know its all over for me. No, NO one would say they dont care if I died.. But they all understand why I feel that way. Everyone will be alot better off without me being a burdon for the next 40 years. No one will ever leave me, they have too much loyalty..   ................   Well, I want my middle sister, or my cousin or my older daughter to go with me. They are the ones who I am most close to. Who know how to take care of me, who I feel safe with and get along with and comfortable and understand eachother..   My middle sister act like she dont care, my cousin has no money and my daughter shouldnt have to do this for me.   I am affraid of Mary seeing how pathetic I am, I am affraid she wont helo me right, I am worried I will embarrass her.. What if she totally regrets it?   I am right and she doesnt know how much help I need. I know its almost impossible to know unless you are familiar with the person. Once I asked her to help me up off the curb, the next time I did it myself and she said "see, you can do it"   Like its that simple. See, she doesn know me, she thinks I would ask for help off a curb just for fun.. LOLOLOLOO never.   She said "oh it cant be that bad" when it felt like hippos were dancing on my chest..   She didnt come to the hospital much but I didnt need her to.. But I know the others wouldnt have left if I begged them to.   I am glad she came. She is who I would choose over anyone now.   My middle sister would of been irritable and grumpy and I would of felt guilty for it. My cousin would of been a total dumb ass and it would of drove me bonkers trying to take care of her. My daughter would of been scared and lost about what was what.   THANK YOU to my littlest sister.. For being like dad and not like us.
Nykee

Nykee

1
My Lapband Journal
 

Almost there

I am all ready to get a gastric bypass with Emma patterson when I find out that I am Not going to get medicare like everyone said i was. I have to have medicade and WLS is excluded.   Well my only choice now is to self pay in mexico. I call a place and end up having so many problems on the phone that one day I get on line and just look up someone else. I dial   It was the Obesity Control center. A lady tells me all about the band. I had considered the band but decided Gb was a better idea. But now I was sold on the band. She gives me a date for less than 2 months away.   This is it.. I have a date. All my dreams are realized. FINALLY..   I become sullen. I dont want to be here.   I kinda check out. I dont research or find support or anything.   I feel guilty and wrong and pissed that I have to do this.   Hard to feel good about something that reminds you of your most extreem failures.   I loose the manditory 40 pounds pre op ... I am desperate because I just KNOW that if I dont get the band, i will not choose to be a burdon to this world anymore. I am ready to die.. Its DO or DIE   It was Feb 14th when I get on a plane for the first time.   I have a cashiers check for 9500$ (the cost of a trailer home for my family)
Nykee

Nykee

1
My Lapband Journal
 

Fill in info on way to band

I get a new doctor and he does not treats me fair.   He agrees to give me ultram for back pain, I dont have to lose weight.   And pretty much I dont.   He checks me for diabeties and I have it.   HUMMM I wonder why that witch never checked it.???   With this doctor, I have a new phobia called NEVEr tell the doctor your in pain. Hide it at all costs.   There would be days at the doctors where I would get this pain in my back and sit and hold it forever and if the nurse asked if I was ok I would say "oh my back is hurting alittle" no big deal" and when alone I would go crazy and then i would walk as normally to my car as possible and then collapse and cry my head off and go home and be bedridden for two days..   I said enough to keep the untram, but no more.   I was scared to death of being dismissed and ridiculed and NOT cared for again. This was very stupid. I fell alot and I got hurt alot and I hid it all.     I become more and more crippled and gained weight.   I end up unable to work and sent to the jobs program in the welfare system.   I am scared. I am trying to hide the fact that I am in excrusiating pain. It was like the most important thing to be.. to hide my pain and problems. I couldnt stand anyone seeing me as a loser, a fat cripple, a broken women. I rather suffer than show it. (now I show it, I dont care)   Well they noticed. They sent me to the voc doctor again and she told them I was disabled and not to make me do anything.   They made me apply for SSI   This day was the worst day of my life.   I didnt want to apply for disabilty. I didny know what it was and I didnt want to. All I knew is that I SURE AND THE HELL WASNT to be one to get disabilty.   I was completely bent, couldnt think of a single job i could do. At this point even sitting in chairs wasnt possible for very long. I was disabled. I was.   But to apply for disability is admitting your the ultimate failer... My fat brought me to this point and it was too hard to admit that.   This was the most depressed I have ever been.   No one made me do anything..I was 'awainting disabilty"   I became 400 pounds in this meaningless existance   THEN.. ANOTHER Lesson.. The DISABILY thing became My chance at life and weight loss again..   I had to get the dissability, to get the back pay, to pay for the gastric bypass.. TO GET OFF OF disabilty.     It was a plan.. BUT it took a long long time.   About 5 years.   In the meantime my doctor left and I got assigned Dr. MOORE and he was so cruel to me that his nurse turned him in, people called me, I testified on the phone and then i was notified that he had been reprimanded.   Becasue of this I got a special doctor at a fancy clinic.   He checked my back right away and I was herniated and had sciatica and he said it was like that a long time.   YEAH, ever since I QUIT school and began to complain to my doctors. WHY DID NO ONE EVER CHECK MY BACK?? Sheesh   So yeah.. 5 years, cuz I had shabby doctors..   I rememebr times when I wished the SSi would NOT go through, so I would get MORE money when it went through the next time...   I needed at leaste 15,000   Well i found out that medicare would cover my gastric bypass and all I had to do was wait. Find doctors and go to all the pre stuff.. so I did
Nykee

Nykee

1
My Lapband Journal
 

An Angel and the Crisis

Soo..   One day I am sent to a vocational doctor.. and I take the chance to run by her my proposal for ultram and how It will help me get my life back and lose weight and such,   She thinks its a GREAT idea. But she cant prescibe them due to the ins rules.   She has examined me thoughoughly.. she has talked to me and touched and checked me more at that time than my regular doctor ever did.   I tell her what my doctor has done. I cry knowing she will never give them to me.   She said, You let me take care of that, She gave me a referrall and said to take it to my doctors. It said that I was severely limited in mobility and that she reccomends me to have 6 ultram a day"   I did.. She laughed at it, like it was fake or something. GRRRRR   I got her to contact the voc doctor and she came back with a two page fax and a scowl on her face.   She was pissed.. She was out for my blood and this is what she said.   "OK.. YOu are getting what you want. I hope your happy now that you got your way"   "6 ultram a day? I DONT THINK SO... you can have 4 a day"   "you will have to come in every two weeks to pick up your prescription from this office, it cannot be called into the pharmacy" (not true, that was her rule)   "I want to see you every two weeks as well.. I want to see the look on your face"   Suddenly..   I had to come in every two weeks and weigh myself.   I HAD TO LOOSE 10 pounds a month OR ELSE I would NOT get anymore pills. I had to bring in a journal of the food I ate for the week"   "YOU think this pill will save your life and make you super women.. then proove it.. IFyour twice as active as you claim to be than the weight should fall off. "   "I need proof that this pill is working for you. I refuse to prescribe it for pain. I am prescribing it for you to lose weight. IF it fails to end in weight loss than I will not prescribe these to you ever again"   "ITs all up to you now. You wanted them, you have convinced yourself and lets see you try to convince me"   "If you keep up the loss of 10 pounds a month, I will continue to give them to you.. IF NOT.. THEY ARE GONE!"   "I dont want you to blame me either... dont come crying to me, this is your chance.. May i suggest you try the prism diet, I lost 15 pounds and it was really hard but if I can do it, you can do it"   CRAZY BITCH comparing a 130 pound women to a 350 pound one.   Needless to say... I was obsessed with loosing the weight..   I didnt care as much about loosing weight as I cared about being mobile and normal again. But I had to push hard to lose the 5 pounds every two weeks. It was so stressfull to have your life hangin in the balance contingent on weather you lose weight when you failed all your life to lose.   First month easy. She loved to make fun of my journals.   second month I was down by one pound and she let it slide. WHEW   Third month..I lost 7 pounds the first half and in the second half I was in a major car crash and couldnt walk for a week..   I didnt lose the weight and I gained 2 pounds, making my loss neggative by 6 pounds. I couldnt exersize as I had been.   She said the car crash was an excuse. (I had proof, it was bad, I was black and blue all over my stomach and legs and shoulddres)   I had lost 25 pounds in three months.. slow and steady.. And she yanked me.   I was devestated.   So.. I saught another doctor and when I did, she told them I was a drug seeker. I had refused to sign narcotic release forms and I didnt comply with perscribed care.   I had NEVEr had any pills cept ultram and I only got them twice a month and on my periods (I had only once every 2 to 3 months) I had never claimed to loose them, never asked for more. I HAD NOT DONE ANYTHIGN at all, that could possibly show drug seeking. She had NEVER asked me to sign anything. And not complying with care is NOT loosing 25 pounds in three months?   New doctors did not care about getting facts and proof, they automatically got this look and belevied her on her word. I was humiliated and felt so wronged   THEN SHe sends me a certified letter saying she is releasing me from her care becasue I got agressive with her and I treated her nursing staff rudely and I didnt comply with care. The next report used the words Abusive instead of aggressive.   I never yelled, I never left my seat, I didnt motion at her, I didnt slam a door, I didnt stomp, alll I ever did was cry and try to explain myslef. I always felt inferiour and affraid of her.. I was in no way rude to the nurses. I was always nice. They took me to weigh my self and I would chit chat about how I hoped I made the weight.   I had to go into crisis counseling after this. I was affraid of finding a doctor and I was crippled again.   NOW I am back to the WLS story.
Nykee

Nykee

1
My Lapband Journal
 

Second Hope. Ultram

I learned to NEVER give up hope.   There are things in life you may not even know exist that can help you.   Recall I had come to the conclusion about a year before that I could never lose weight on my own cuz My body was in so much pain that excersize was out and life was just too hard. I couldnt do it when it was alot easier. I had NEVEr admitted defeat about anything before. I had to. Once I did it became alot easier to live with myself.   So.. It happened by acident:   I had been givin some ULTRAM (non narcotic pain pills) for my menstral pains (obgyn) and soon found my self able to be more physically mobile. I realized I was being all mobile cuz my body didnt hurt.   It was a magical day. I was sorting laundry, washing it, drying it.. as if I hadnt just spent the last year Sitting on top of it for three hours, sorting as I sat. And having the kids put the loads in.   I discovered PAIN pills, and how if your body hurts and you releive that body of hurt, it functions better.. (I swear it was like finding the meaning to life)   I could clean the house, feed the animals, park myself, check the mail, wash my hair...etc etc. I COULD ALSO get some excersize in and focus on my health not on my exhastion and blinding pain.   I HAD HOPE AGAIN.. I was alive again. I was SAVED!     NOt so fast:   My doctor was a fucking cunt from hell who I wish I could confront and humiliate to this day. (all the reasons why will NOT be covered in here)   I told her a million times in the past I had constant pain mostly in my back. NOw, I told her how the pills (prescribed by a gyno) had releived that pain and that I would like to have some more for every day please.   She laughed in my face. (OH god if you could see the faces she made!)   She said I was too "euphoric" about my new found mobility and ability to LIVE a real life. She said narcotic Pills are not prescribed to make people feel happy about their life. She said "cocain makes people feel good, should they do it?"   I told her I didnt feel high at all, I knew what high feels like, I wasnt euphoric, If I ever became euphoric I would report to her.. I was willing to start on a low dose.   I tried to get her to understand that I WANTED THE PILLS TO RELEIVE THE PAIN IN MY BACK AND BODY.. and BECAUSE that pain was releived, I was able to be my normal happy self. IT WAS NOT the drug making me happy.. SHEESH   Finally she says "there is nothing wrong with you.. your obese and your out of shape and your simply having aches and pains and if you would drink more water, excersize and take care of your self, You will feel alot better."   She said the way I referred to it as getting my life back showed that I was overly sinsitive and dramatic and extreemly emotional. She also said this is the cause of my pain. That If I had a more possitive and brighter look out on life, I wouldnt have the pain I THink I have.   (the thought of her checking my back or doing any kind of research at all to see where my pain was coming from.. was not discussed or thought of by me..I just didnt think of it. If I had I would of asked her to check me out, she should of done that nayway)   When she normally said these things, I felt belittled and I shut down. BUT nOW, MY LIFE was at stake. So I tried to show her why I knew those things werent true. I knew what pain was and how to listen to my body. I was NOT stupid!   I explained that I had left a crackwhore mom and quit a very bad life of crime and perversion and addictions.. I made a life for myself and my children from age 16, I graduated high school in the top ten, I went on to get my AA and then moved all alone to get my BA.. and I had walked through floods to get the kids to daycare, and worked any shit job i could find, I raised really good kids and I never ever left them, I have lived in my car with my kids for two weeks JUST so we didnt miss any school, and I walked 40 blocks sometimes when my car broke down to college and back rather than risk doing poorly or missing school. I told her how I excelled in every job, I was teachers aid and the next year made a preschool teacher (unheard of for a student) I then taught the incoming students on how to be with the kids and I AM the one who came up with the curriculum after taking a 500 level class..and it was used for the two years I was there. I was trained and became cetified to provide foster care to kids 12 to 21 (though I never took them up on it) The agency pratically begged me to write a proposal so they could open a much needed teen parent home.. I got on at Rape crisis and soon I had the key to the office and the pager for weeks at a time when the rule was no more than 48 hours and it was cuz I outshined and prooved myself to be better than most. Much more. I never had a man taking care of me, and no parents and didnt need friends either. My kids were in every sport, I was room mother. I did special needs child care, I organized city block garage sales, I threw parties for the college housing kids,     Those things above were VERY hard for me. I was young, alone, mom of three, poor and obese.   I told her that I bust my ass everyday, I have been for a long time. I told her that I dont feel happy unless I am exhausted and feeling my efforts and find it unsettling to lay around and relax. I told her I am not affraid of pain. I kinda thrived on it.   I told her that I go 100% almost every day and it barely covers the basics. She snorted at that.   Didnt tell her: (I have fallen, passed out and bruised myself at times because its not in me to quit, It makes me feel like shit. So i go too far. I happend to have developed a habit of self abuse. BUT its not abuse if you like it!)   I know doctors dont like it when you go on and on (protest too much) BUT I NEEDED her to stop assuming I was some obese lazy loser who didnt know anything. My degree was in psychology. I KNEW plenty.   Still she refused.. asking me "what are you doing now"   "I HAD TO QUIT SCHOOL cuz of the pain.. I can hardly manage my day"   Scoffed..           I tried one more thing..   That IF my pain wasnt really real, that the pain pills wouldnt have that affect.. and if I was depressed and lazy and unmotivated ... HOW and WHY would I suddenly start doing all the things I always did before I got the pain. I would still choose to sit around and be lazy and whine if that was true.   She said that narcotics are very powerful drugs that fool the brain and give you a high that can make you do all kinds of things..   I told her I think If that was happeneing I would like do stupid things like druggies do.. BUt I happen to do the things I did before like laundry and the yard and wash the car (things I had stopped doin)   She never really heard me and just said what she thought anyway. This was not one appointment. This was many over several months   ....     I refused to give up.   I got the ultram for my cramps once a month and thus I had some to experiment with.. I found out that I never got euphoric, that I only needed like two pills and That they did indeed make me whole again. I saved some to take to camping and BAM, I was doing ALL the camp things I used to love but had to stop cuz of pain. I prooved it to myself over and over that I was NOT lazy and depressed.   I made the mistake and told her this and she said I was misusing the pills and she was going to talk to my gyno about that.   So here is some back story on the gyno.. this doctor (the cunt) had dicked me around for almost two years.. I had extreme menstral pain and begged for help. Somehow she held me off for that long. I was never gave a pap and she was giving me depo and said I was lucky to get that cuz it did help alittle. ONE day after expelling a ruber chunk the size of a deck of cards, I refused to let her dissmiss me. She threw her hands up and said "GO TO A specialist, THATS all I can tell yOU" She was mocking me.. BUT I DID GO   The obgyn specialist, listened to me for half an hour, told me I had some problems to take care of and look into and gave me the ultram for pain. (I have had two ablations and soon to have a hysterectomy)   NOW my doctor is threatning to call the obgyn.   BUT, I had a nice conversation with the gyno about how my doctor said there were NO pills for menstral releif but anitinflamitories.. The gyno said ultram is used all the time. That I had symptoms of menstral diseases and would need a pap. She realizes I never had one in the two years and she asks me why and I said I didint know.. she explained it was highly irregular and she was shocked. I said my doctor never brought it up until she told me to see a specialist. She was nice to me and wanted to help me.   Well the obgyn left practice and I had to turn to my doctor for the pills for my period and she refused, calling them narcotics and NOT for mentral pain.   I told her that the obgyn said ultram IS for cramps (used all the time) and that she should doube check. And NOT a narcotic   She wasnt saying that she didnt want to give them to me. She was saying that THEY WERE NOT prescribed for cramps. Ummm.. Can she proove it. One of them is wrong.   So she faxed the file.. and came in laughing at me that there was NO history of me ever having ultram and that the obgyn had said I was a basket case and needed therapy to get over my fear of a pap smear. I told her I needed to schedule a pap.... and she said she didnt do them.   I learned later that basetcase was mY words, and that my doctor had told the obgyn that I had refused paps.. NO I never! I wouldnt refuse, I wasnt that bold. had she told be about them I would of had one. SHe didnt tell me. Plus I found out she DID do paps all along.   Well all I had to do is calll the obgyn offices and ask for another obgyn to look in my file and see what I was prescribed and please call it in.. It was done in 10 mimutes.. (she had lied again about not seeing it in the file, he had seen it jut fine)   She wasnt happy once I prooved it to her and she had no excuse to deny me.. It was only 15 pills. like 5 aday for 3 days..   I needed them every day.
Nykee

Nykee

1

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