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Love, Family, Weight, Hip Hop & Vegetarianism
 

I'm a Drug addict, I'm a loser

I really don't know why I am sabotaging my body. I know better, I really do. I was a drug addict before many years ago and was clean for a long time. However, over the last few months I have sniffed a few lines here and there and also have taken ectasy. I took FOUR ecstasy pills yesterday. I love the feeling of "feeling" different. I used to use food as my drug and now it seems I am getting cravings for other things too. I also have an OTC sleeping pill addition to. I sometimes have to take 4 tylenol pm's or equivelant to go to sleep at night. This overwhelming feeling of wanting to change my reality over boredom is REALLY, REALLY horrible. I pray for hours on end for forgiveness. I don't want to die. I have everything to live for, a great job, a WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL son & daughter. I love God. I know it is going against him to defile my body, but somehow, that is not enough. I have no self-control or will power, I will cave in a minute. The crazy thing about this is I have been exercising like a mad woman to "help my body". Just want to be a normal 34 year old woman. Why do I feel like I am still a 19 year old living in a 34 year old body? My son recently moved to live with my parents because he wants to finish high school in the town we are from. My daughter is in Pittsburgh with her biological mother (I am her step-mother) and I have nothing stopping me or helping me in my will power. No, it's not an every day thing, it is an every few weeks thing. But I DID do lines 2 weeks post op and I was so worried about hurting my band, but did that stop me? NO! I am such a mess. This took a lot to write this down and strip myself naked but I can't keep living a lie.
BeacheeGirl

BeacheeGirl

5
Meow=^..^='s Journal
 

I swear this month is just flying by...lol

Another week gone and I still have not wieghed..AUGGGG But I am trying to cut down on fats and salt... To eat healthier so to speak. I did 2 days of strength training, but my cardio is still sporatic at this point. Hopefully I will get time soon to get a schedual going. My blood sugars are great. I still have not been able to completely give up soda, which totally bites!!!! Last weekend Hubby and I measured me...LOL maybe tonight I will again measure to see if I have lost inches.   So I am now eating fish everyday. Only rice and squashs for starches. Many veggies and fruits. No salt (tomatos, tomato paste, tuna all salt free from Trader Joes) I got NSA chicken broth, still looking for beef and veggie broth. I bought rice noodles with no salt which I accually like better than pasta cuz it doesnt get soggy. I made chicken soup and the noodles were in it the whole night and the next day they were still there, LOL. I have found that I am not a huge fan of spagetti sqash, its kinda sweet for accual spagetti sauce. But I love butter nut squash, acorn and yams with brown sugar splenda...MMMMM No butter!!! We switched to rice milk, its ok, hubby didnt say he hated it. I have to really pry myself away from looking at the cereal cuz I know I would eat the whole box, I just wish I did not have to buy it. I bought organtic fruits, veggies and meat...LOL is that what it is called when not massed produced???? Whatever!!!! LOL and the meat does taste much better. I really never believed it, but now I have tryed it. I started a new eating regimine, but I find it difficult for me cuz I am not hungry, and sometimes forget.   B: 2 oz fish and 1/2 cup carb S: 2 oz fish and 1/2 cup low sugar fruit L: 2 oz fish or chicken breast and 1/2 cup carb and 1 cup vegg S: 2 oz fish and 1/2 cup low sugar fruit D: 2 oz fish or chicken breast or serlion and 1/2 cup carb and 1-2 cups vegg S: 2 oz fish and 1/2 cup low sugar fruit (optional)   I dont know how much I have lost, but my sugars are much lower now which is great!!! Instead of being at the borderline 120-130, they are 100-110 all the time, Wooo Hooo. So this is my life...lol I swear I have spent more time in the kitchen this last week than the last 3 years! I made Serlion Stew, Chicken Soup, Spagetti, Mahi Mahi. These 4 dishes lasted 1 week of food. Hubby just has to get used to leftovers, or go out to eat...LOL He notices the difference of the no salt foods, especially the tomatos. Whateva!!!!! Get used to it!
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

3
Ali's Musings and Meanderings...
 

Sunday got here again eh?

We went out for the day yesterday and it was a lonnnnnnnnnnnnng trip finally. We were out for 12hrs and travelling for 9 of them- poooft. So, I slept like a baby last night which was good because I was really, really tired. I had a mini lie-in this morning until 9:30am and felt good. Walked on treadmill and cooked Sunday lunch...chicken...and that's about it. Short and sweet today...oh yeah...peeked at scale and so far this week I'm like :biggrin1: :clap2: :biggrin1: :clap2: :biggrin1: Makes a change eh?
A1ikou

A1ikou

3
RKidder's Journal
 

Waiting, waiting....

I will be going to my first support meeting tomorrow after work. I will stay overnight in Portsmouth so that I can go to the appointments on Tuesday with: Bariatric Coordinator, PT/OT, Nutritionist and then the Psychologist. I received copies of letters that my doctors sent - very encouraging. Oh. and I know which surgeon will be doing my surgery...Dr. Looser. I'll feel better after I hear from the insurance companies...
RKidder

RKidder

1
jabajorek's Journal
 

update

I weighed this morning and I am down 35 pounds since surgery. I am so excited. I got my first fill on Monday and I am finally losing weight again. It is so wonderful.
jabajorek

jabajorek

1
Bettina's Journal
 

Going Crazy

:ermm Still haven't slept since last week...its killing me. But I know I will get it under control..still on for Tuesday's fitting. Discussed putting feathers on my mask with my sister (having a moment of insanity) she advised Rhinestones...LOL...I can always count on my sister to help me out of a funk. Ya ever hear anyone say that they would pinch you or stomp on your foot if you were saying that something hurts you? (you know ...my arm hurts...okay I'll stomp on your foot to make you forget about your arm....LOL) well, that is how I feel...the sleep apnea thing is making me forget that I was so ansy to get the banding! I had the strangest dream last night during one of my cat naps....I dreamt that the doctors office handed me this fancy envelope shaped like a pink pocketbook -even had a fancy handle on it, and I opened it up and it said that I was approved for surgery......LOL ! Maybe its a sign that I will def be approved...lol. (my sis would be proud of the pink pocketbook envelope...thats her speed, she is a total girly girl:cheer2: , I am more of the earthy one :hippie: ). I want to thank Teresita and MoOrLess for their comments of support to my last post....thanks so much you guys are great!!!!
Bettina

Bettina

3
The Confused Lap Bander
 

I'm admitting to the internet world.....

Well, I'm admitting to the internet world that I was banded on 7/10/6 by Dr. Jay Nirmal S. Jayaseelan, who I will refer to as Dr. Jay from now on. This took place in Dallas, TX.   Only 3 family members and 2 friends know that I have had the surgery. Took off a week from work and didn't tell anyone. Just didn't want to invite any criticisms. I been at my job for almost 3 years and my coworkers have seen my struggles with my weight. I've lost up to 70 lbs since I've been at my job and have gained back 80-85 lbs. I've been overweight and struggling with my weight since the 2nd grade and I'm now 33 years old. My starting weight pre surgery is 252.   The first time I applied for the surgery with my insurance over 7 months ago, I was declined and gave up. A couple of months ago, I contacted Dr. Jay's staff to see what we could do because I was considering just doing the self pay. The staff suggested that we try to resubmit the paper work and I just agreed to it. I had totally forgotten about it and one day when I was coming home, there in the mail was my approval letter. I was happy but was sure it was later going to come back that I was not really approved.   Scheduled the surgery, had the surgery without any complications and now I'm 2 weeks post op wondering where I'm headed. I'm still in shock I guess, it doesn't seem like anything was done. Sure, I have the few scares and slight discomfort, but I'm still eating what I want. I'm positive that my decision was the right decision, but there still is that uncertainty.
Watermelon

Watermelon

1
spoildrttnchld's Journal
 

I did it!!!!

Okay,   so this is a little late but better late then never I always say. So I had my surgery done on july 6th 2006 everything went great doc was wonderful.But I was dumb I felt like no pain after surgery and they told me that walking was a good thing after this operation so ok I will admit I did more than I should have but as I said I had like no pain..lol.. I woke up the next day and I flet like someone had tried to kill me in my sleep my legs hurt so bad that I could barely walk,:help: so when the doc's office called I told them what was going on the nurse then told me she was going to have my doc. call me right back and he did within like 5 mins. this place is awsome !   So when the doc. called me back he told me he wanted me to come to the office LIKE RIGHT NOW!!! So me and mom hop into the car we get to the doctors office and we are waiting to see dr. michaleson (my doctor) and while we are waiting the receptionist looks at me and says honey you look like you are in pain and I told her that I had just had my surgery the day before she kindda laughs a little bit and she says oh! She then tells me she remembers the day after her sugery too and she told me she felt my pain.. she told me heer story she has lost 143 pounds so far! that gave me so much hope and at that time I was wondering what I had done to my self.lol!! That is the cool thing about where I had my surgery done just about everyone there has had the surgery...which means great fountins of information in my way of thinking... ok well I'm going to end now.. P.S.I'm 2 weeks out and have lost 14 lbs. so far and feeling great I would do it all again in a heart beat.. and I should just tell everyone that I had to get a leg ultra-sound done on each leg just to rule out blood clots I had none thank god..   melia:)
spoildrttnchld

spoildrttnchld

3
avilla's Journal
 

Im Still Doing It

OK, per my scales I am at 22.5 lbs loss...I am just so excited...But I know that my drs scales are different so for a complete and correct weigh in I will have to wait till the 4th when I go to the Dr...But as long as mine are going down I know that I am losing and thats wonderful...The last few days its been coming off 2 lbs at a time and I hope that it continues to be this way for a long long time cuz I am just loving it...I know that it will slow down for a while for my body to catch up...But I saw my mother today and she said she could tell that I had lost quite a bit of weight and that made me absolutely smile too...I am going to continue with my 30 minute heavy duty work outs and see how it does me before I go in on the 4th...I am happy that I am not going to have to hang my head in shame or still be at the same weight as my last visit...I know that can be devestating...My mother actually has a friend at work that has lost quiet a bit of weight and she is going to be sending me some of her clothes, only down side is that they wont fit me yet but I have something to strive for...They are size 18/20 and I havent been in 18's since high school...With as tall as I am and as big as my bones are my mother says that I start to look sick and too skinny if I get to 16's, but I would like to wear a 16-18 (thats my goal)...I started out 2 years ago in 32's then lost almost 50 lbs on the southbeach diet then gained back a couple but never got near where I was...I can put on the 32's and wear them very very loose and they look like clown pants...So, when I got my lapband I was in 26 pants and 26/28 shirts bit I usually buy bigger shirts cuz I like them baggy to hang and cover my bootie...I am just blabbering on cuz I am excited
avilla

avilla

1
LittleBird's Journal
 

Day 3 - my purple bikini

Its early today but I want to write anyway-   its hot - really hot for my area - yesterday 94 (we are usually 74 this time of year). I put on my bright purple bikini and went for a swim in the 4 foot pool (the above ground pool for my kids). Since I was at home and no one could see me, I didn't have a problem wearing that suit - but I did think - It won't be long and I might actually ENJOY wearing a bathing suit. Whoohoo.   Switched to an Atkins shake for breakfast instead of a scrambled egg - well ok - 2 scrambled eggs. I think the shake is better for me. I'm doing ok - acutally always did on Atkins because its not calorie restriction, just carb restriction and I can usually handle that for a while. With less than 4 weeks to surgery, I think I'll be fine.   I know I shouldn't but I weighed this morning - my scale is screwy - one of those that you can set to 0, weigh, and step off and suddenly its no longer at 0 - so I never get reliable results. Either way, I don't think I've lost any yet. I feel confident I'll be able to drop the 12 lbs before surgery though.   I've made an effort to drink more water - with the heat its even more important and I know it will help with the weight loss.
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
Vince Campisi's Journal
 

My Life after Getting a lap band.

Yesterday I underwnet the lap band procedure. It was performed laproscopically at Morristown Memorial Hospital by Dr. Abkin. I arrived at the hospital at 5:30AM, was in the operating room at 7:30 AM and was back in the recovery room at 9:00 AM. I was discharged and sent home at 1:00 PM.   There was some discomfort but nothing that could not be described as tolerable once I received some pain medication. After the lengthy preparation process which took several months from the time I first went to a introductory session hosted by Advanced Laproscopic Surgeons, I am amazed that the procedure and hospital stay takes so little time.   It has been a little over 24 hours since the operation. I am comfortable with the exception of the gasses in my stomach. I understand they pump Co2 in to the stomach cavity during the operation and it will take several days to expel the gas that is trapped in there. I slept fairly well last night, i did take one pain pill and also slept with my cpap machine that helped me breathe better. I had to sleep on my back instead of on my side as I usually do because of the pain when I rolled on to my side.   I am drinking liquids and when I took my medications including the vitamin supplements I looked at the handful of pills and thought these wont all fit in my new upper stomach pouch. I haen't had any solid food for the last 3 days and I can't say that I feel hungry. Well today as they say is the beginning of the rest of my life. I keep thinking I should have done this long ago, it may have prevented some of the medical problems which caused me to have this procedure done.   :mad: Vince C.
Vince Campisi

Vince Campisi

2
3loves's Journal
 

Exercise

YMCA Orientation: 7-18-06   Workout 7-20 Treadmill 10 min speed 2.6 Bike 5 min   Workout 7-21 Treadmill 10 min speed 2.8 - 3.0 Bike 7 min   Workout 7-22 Treadmill 15 min speed 2.7 Elliptical 2 min hurt my knees   Workout 7-25 Treadmill 15 min speed 2.6 Bike 10 min   Workout 7-27 Treadmill 15 min speed 2.8 Bike 10 min Workout 8-1 Threadmill 15 min speed 2.6 Bike 10 min Workout 8-10 Threadmill 15 min speed 2.7 Bike 15 min
3loves

3loves

1
Telly's Journal
 

Daily Food & Exercise Entry

07/21/2006 Food Today B - Isopure Protein Shake
S - Light Dannon Yogurt Drink
L - Half of spinich salad, onions, nipple tomatoes, 3 slices of chicken deli meat, 1 slice of American cheese, Asian Sesame dressing with a few dashes of Tabasco Habanero sauce
S - Spiru-tein Protein Shake
D - The other half of spinich salad
S- Light Dannon Yogurt Drink before bedtime
Drank 64fl oz of water or more today Exercise Today 3 miles on the home treadmill 400 crunches 1.5 hour frolicking in the YMCA pool - did some water aerobics while daughter played, not enough to break a sweat
Telly

Telly

3
luvlif's Journal
 

7/21

IF I WALK EVERYDAY 400 CALS, I SHED 19 LBS FROM CALORIES BURNT. I NEED TO SHED 11LBS MONTHLY TO REACH GOAL
luvlif

luvlif

1
luvlif's Journal
 

7/21

DO I WANT TO BE A THINNER FAT PERSON? OR DO I WANT TO BE A THIN PERSON? I WANT TO BE A THIN PERSON 155LBS.
luvlif

luvlif

1
LittleBird's Journal
 

Day 2 - real people!

I had the wonderful opportunity to go to a very local support group yesterday - just a couple of miles from the house! I called my primary Dr. today to make sure I'm "good to go". She's on vacation, wouldn't you know it, but the RN is going to have her call me when she gets back next week. The RN at the support group said it was a good idea to rule out anything that might present complications BEFORE going to Mexico. It's good advice and something I wouldn't have thought of on my own.   I'm very excited to have a support group of real live and in person people to ask questions of, meet, and talk to. Hubby went with me as well and I think it helped put him at ease.   I started the low carb yummy Atkins diet (I'm being a little sarcastic as I was on the diet for a year and I am no longer fond of all those greens daily) for real yesterday to help with my pre-op weight loss. I'd like to lose 12 lbs as that is 5% of my total body weight. I figure anything I lose now will just get me that much closer to my goal after the surgery.   I talked to my step mom yesterday - who is a nurse - and she didn't give me the ration of shit my dad did. I know they are both just worried about me and want me to be "ok" but they aren't in my flesh and I hate feeling like I have to justify my decision to them. The conversation went ok - she said half of her coworkers (at the hospital) have had the surgery. She also said she thinks the ones who have the best success use high end liquid multi vitamins including B. I'll have to check that out.
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
Charlif761's Journal
 

Working on the Chain Gang...

Well, it took me an entire week and a few days to find 10 minutes to slip away and make some calls to sort out the procedure for being evaluated for the LAP band, and to find out if insurance pays. I am so bl9oody busy at work that I cannot manage to stop to breathe, much less make phone calls.....But, ok, I MADE myself do it day before yesterday.....   HOORAH!!!! My insurance company will pay 100% if I make it through the consults. THey gave me the name of the clinic that I needed to call to get a form sent to me. Once i have it, I have to go to my "huisarts" (house doctor) and haave him fill it in...   I am sure it goes something like this:     Name: Blubber Butt Height: Too short for her weight Weight: Too mcuh for her height Bodyfat: Broke the caliper Recommendation: SAVE THE WHALE!!!!!!!!!!!!   lol KIDDING guys!!!!   Anyway, once he fills it in, I have to send it back to the clinic, wait for the surgeon to evaluate and then they contact me to make an appointment for a consultation. If he/she approves the LAP band, I have to go to some other place for a series of counseling sessions and health assessments (they want to make sure I won't die in curgery or have comlications). After that...who knows. It is a process that they say takes 6 months or less. I could be having my last FAT CHRISTMAS this year!!!!! woopiee!!!   I feel like I am working on a chain gang.....................
Charlif761

Charlif761

1
My Journey
 

Why didn't I realize?

I was sharing old photos with my boyfriend today...We sat down to look at pictures from when I lived in Germany from about seven years ago. I was about 15/16 at that time. When I sat with him to share the photos I simply thought that I was sharing with him the sights that I saw while I was in Germany, I got more than that....I saw how I looked back then and it hurt...it hurt because I thought that I was so FAT :mad: back then. I was so hard on myself, and thought that I was so f***n ugly and fat...at about 150 pounds...I also suffered from bulemia. I would be so exstatic to be that weight again...now at 270m lbs. I really wish that I had realized...
Veggestyle

Veggestyle

2

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