A little over two years now, deciding, preparing, saving and educating myself on the tool that will help me. I reached the most unhealthy, most depressing stage in my life. I can no longer let my body control me. I have to take charge.
I feel so, so tired. I have started by disclosing all my health issues with my family and friends. One of the hardest things for me to do is admit that I need help.
I bought a scale. It took me about six months to convince myself and three trips to the store to purchase it. I'm guessing there was denial. I didn't want to admit that I had reached the 300 mark.
I've gained six pounds after seeing the nutritionist for the four past months. I know what is good and what is bad. But I allow myself to eat. Lately my excuse has been that it will probably be one of the last times. I've stayed away from buffets, which were my downfalls, can't leave till my tummy hurts. I'm waiting for my niece to visit me later this month, so I can celebrate around the buffet table for the last time.
In two more weeks I start my pre-op testing so that my primary physician can release me. And my last nutrionist visit.
I haven't weighed in a couple of days, probably afraid of the results. I haven't been exercising this week and been eating pretty badly. I'm not eating a lot, it's just that the choices of what I'm eating isn't that good. I'll go weigh now. I'm scared... :phanvan 257.0 That's pretty much where I've been for the last 1 1/2. I wore a dress last night to Rent and I felt so fat. The band and my weight loss haven't been the way I thought it would be. Much slower. I know that I'm not doing all the things I should and probably have no right to complain but... I go to Vegas in 1 month and wish I could lose another 10 lbs before going. Oh well, we'll see.
I met with Dr Bonomo he actually said i was small!!! Now im 5'1" 204 that is not small to me but I know how to hide the negative and play up the positives. Even my PCP asked me why I was doing this. I told her this is the best thing for ME only I know my body/mind. Didnt help that my dad found out that I was doing this ...he freaked out on me. telling me that all these surgeries were not good and that I should just modify my lifestyle...sounds familiar huh. jeez
I'm drinking my water and eating my protien. I have a confession to make though. Since surgery I have not been up at night for the midnight munchies. Last night I was - I know its happening when it happens but its like being in a fog....
I get up to pee.
I go to the kitchen.
I open the fridge and look for something to satisfy me - I don't know if I am hungry, just compelled to eat something.
The voice in my head says "You don't need to eat right now. You should go back to bed" and yet, I keep looking. :hungry:
Fortunatley last night I didn't have anything screaming at me - no crab dip with ritz crackers, no pudding, no leftovers...So I didn't completely sabotage myself. I grabbed the only substitution which was a bag of Ruffles - plain, which I hate - ate two (chips not bags!) and went back to bed.
THANK GOD.
I know that my late night eating was out of control before surgery. It was one of my fears when considering surgery - how was I going to overcome this?
I wonder if its late night hunger - my swelling is gone and I know I'm now able to eat more than before (a week and a half ago) - but I am still limited to what I can eat at a time.
Is my body rebelling?
Crying out for calories?
Or is this a head thing?
I'm trying to keep portion control myself, but I am looking forward to my first fill - when its time. I'm still shrinking - though the scale hasn't changed - I can see the changes in my arms, my face, my legs, my belly so I'm not discouraged. I guess I'll see how I do in the coming weeks with this midnight battle.
Can't wait until Tuesday. I got an appointment with the Nutritionist at 4:00 PM and then I go to the LapBand Info Meeting at 6:00-8:00. Can't wait. Then all they will have to do is get the letter and fax info to my insurance. God I hope that the insurance doesn't deny my claim. I hope it goes thru without any delays and is approved.
This last Thursday was Cushie fun day for those of us who were down testing, (and Jaimie too!). So that meant Jamie, Monica and me, as well as my non-Cushie friend Traci.
We went and had girlie, girlie manicures and pedicures at a beauty college. What a treat that was... We were originally going to go to one place, but when we got there, we decided to try a different school.
One of the things I do to amuse myself is play "Hump or no Hump" where I try to figure out if someone has a hump, and if they do, do they have any other Cushie symptom... One of the women at the school, looked mightly suspicious to me, and I pointed her out to Jamie and Monica. Since Monica nad i were wearing short sleved shirts, our white stockings for our PICC lines were right there, out in public and everything. She wanted to know if we were in a club or something, so I opened my big mouth and blabbed all about Cushing's, and why we were in Portland.
Turns out this woman had most of the Cushing's symptoms, but like a good girl listened to her docs when they told her that her only problem was the was fat and lazy Monica and Jaimie are WONDERFUL Cushing's Ambasadors, and they gave this gal all the contact information so she could lean more about Cushing's
After we were done with our Ambasador duties and our beautie treatments, we headed out to try to find someplace for lunch. After getting lost a few times, and not finding any restaurants that suited our needs, we finally found a Bosnian grocerie store with a deli. The food was DELISH! and we all swapped slices of our sandwiches. Everything was really yummy, well, I have to take everyone's word that the eggplant was yummy, but there you go on that. After we filled our tummies, we went grocerie shopping and bought all sorts of wonderful European treats. I got a spice mix that I'm going to try tonight, I have no idea what's in it, because none of the ingreedients are in English.
We had such a great time, Monica was out of her Low by this time, and I'm convinced that the Dex helped mitigate the worst of my Low that I swung into on Wednesday. (stupid cyclical grrr)
Yippee skippee, im down another pound. I was on #209 for almost a week. But today its officially 208! Yesterday during one of my many scale sessions (lol) I was at 207ish but I won't count that because it wasn't at that for long. Today I want to stay on track and eat healthy. I think I have a rib out of place so I don't think I'll do treadmil today. I want to eat something bad to reward myself.. some reward though if I end up gaining the precious pound I lost back! I won't reward myself with food anymore!
9:00 am Breakfast: Atkins + Unjury
12.00 pm Lunch: Chicken spread, 16 Kashi Crackers.
3:30 pm Snack: 2 SF pudding cups. Why did I feel the need to have 2???
6:00 pm Supper: Chicken and Broccoli.
Exercise: Walk with the family 1.5 miles.
Water: > 70 oz,
vitamins: Liquid multi, Calcium, Biotin
Goal: Treadmil tomorrow.
Hey, I'm back!
I have been lurking here and there for a while and thought I'd write in my journal and give an update.
I'm still hanging around 294...I gain and lose 2lbs in the last few days. Still the same old pattern, I lose huge (usually between 7-11lbs) seemingly overnight and then no matter what I do I can't lose another thing for two to three weeks. We all do our own things and this is the way its going for me.
11 days left to me 6mth anniversary. If I am lucky I can be down 90lbs(ish) by then and so I'm trying really hard to be the best I can be for the next 10 days or so. If I make 90lbs down then I have promised myself hubby will take me out to eat prawns (he doesnt know yet:kiss ). There is a place near the port that makes the most amazing shellfish dishes...
After the 6mth thing, it's a couple of weeks until the 2 weddings we have to go to. The dress I want to wear fits now (even round the hips) and I am so looking forward to dressing up in something I have never been able to wear before. I will take pictures and post them when the time comes.
That's all..I'll be back when I'm back.
I did NOT have the CSS like I thought I was going to, nor have I met Dr. D. There is a possiblilty that I will meet him tomorrow, but I'm not actually holding my breath. I don't know why I didn't have it after Dr. L said last Tuesday, and now I feel somewhat foolish for saying that Iwas going to have one.
I've had a great visit with a couple of Cushies who were in town! One of the husband is a hoot and a half, and My husband and I had a good time geeking out with him at Lunch. But poor cushie-wife was in a Low while I was Sky High...
I got really good at drawing my blood for the 32 hour draws, and my dear husband was ever so thankful he only had to play messenger service, not actually do the blood draws.
One thing I figured out is to make up all the packets for the tests as soon as I got my orders and supplies. It was VERY anoying trying to dig out everything for the 4 am draw, especailly since I'd made the kits ahead for earlier draws.
Hopefully I won't be doing another 32 hour test, but if I do, I'm prepaired.
The other thing I learned was to bring an insulated no-drip coffee cup. Being from Seattle I only have about 8 or 10 of these things about the house, and it was so much easier for my hubby to just take the cup filled with ice to the ER than to try to worry about an ice bucket and random ice going around those really sharp corners up the hill to OHSU. I think next time I will bring small baggies to put the tubes in when they go inside the insulated coffee cup.
Tuesday I had lunch with a cured Cushie and her cousin, and I could feel myself spinning up faster and faster. I know that I must have appeared to be a speed freak, or a coke-head as fast as I was talking, and as tangental as I was. They are absoluet dolls, and it was helpful for me to know that they had a darn good idea of what was happening.
So, I go up early for my 2:30 appointment at the clinic and I'm suddenly spun WAY out of control. Patty at the front desk wanted me to fill out the "why are you here" paper work, and I couldn't figure out what the heck I was there for. I couldn't think, I couldn't concentrate, and I think I wrote down something like "I'm here for cushing's but my brian won't work anymore, help" So I get back to the room, and my blood pressure is the highest it has ever been in my entire life, I'm crying, and I can't stop moving! I couldn't stop pacing, shaking my hands and head at the same time. I was a freaking out, and not having a good time at all. Chris had me do an imediate draw, but I had to have her help because I was so frenetic. I explained that I've been like this before. Or at least I tried to explain that.
Frenetic is the only word for how I felt for close to three terrible hours.
Chris had me draw my blood at 3, 4 and 5 o'clock. I'd done one at Noon, and then the regularly scheduled one at 8. I can only hope and pray that they cought something. Chris wanted to know if I've ever done that before, and yes, all the gods and goddesses help me, I've been that way before. I finally started to calm down a few minutes to 5, but I was still mighty spun High.
So, Wednesday, I started the Dex. Before I started, my back hurt so bad, I was pretty sure the crash was on it's way. My husband and I decided that we would kill some time by taking a drive up to Mount Hood, but by the time we got to the Village of Government Camp, an hour or so after I took the first dose of Dex, I crashed as hard as I was afraid I was going to. For about 4 hours I was completely out of it, with a few dips back to lucididy. Or what I thought was lucidity. My brain would work, but it was too much effort to say more than a few words. I don't think I've ever sat still that long before, not moving a muscle.
He called Dr. L, but my symptoms were bad enough to need to go to the ER, but that I needed to be watched. Since I'm staying with my friend here, who's mom just happens to be a nurse, Mike make the call to go to their house early. He had to half carry me to the Mom's bed, where I slept for several more hours.
Then Bing! I wake up! I'm alert and my entire body functions just like it is supposed to.
But, being on the Dex, I don't have the BRUTAL headaches that normally accompany such a crash. That was significant, all by it's lonesome. Dr. L told my husband that the dex would make things better. Or make me feel better, anyway. I don't know if there is a difference there.
I was really afraid that I was going to crash as hard as I ended up doing. I knew that as High as I was, my Low would be that low. But the amazing thing is that I didn't have the headaches or the back flank pain I normally get when I crash. I know I said that before, but I wanted to repeat myself because it was so significant.
Since I've been on the Dex, I feel GREAT! I mean really wonderful. There have even been times where the washing-maching noise in my head has completely stopped! It's been amazing to have that noise shut off, even if it's only for a few hours at a time.
I don't know what to expect tomorrow when Chris shoots me full of that stuff to see if I suppress or not. I don't know if it is going to call the head-aches that the Dex has been able to put off. I just don't know.
But one thing I am going to do is ask for a prescription for Dex! It makes me feel.. like a normal person. Like I've been able to strike a wonderful balance between that High and Low. These last couple of days have felt nothing like when I Swing up High from my Low, because I know what those feel like. These last couple of days I have felt like I think Normal is supposed to feel like (except the part where I have to get up at 1 AM to take the dex or the 4 am Potty trips.... I'm pretty sure that Normal doesn't include those
The last time I did the dex test, it didn't seem to have any affect on me. Nothing that I could detect anyway.
But oh mamma! What a difference this time! I feel absolutely great on it. I think partly because I was headed for a land-me-in-the-ER crash, and this time, while I did have an extended period of "extreme weakness" I haven't had the terrible headacke that I normally do.
How terrible to have a normal headache. Sorry, but that's just odd to say that. To be like that.
After the Terrible High I was on Tuesday, this crash should have been just as bad, but since I've been on the Dex, no headache! No brutal back ache!
I wonder if I'll be able to talk them into giving me a precription for it to take home.
It is wonderful to not live on peracets for half the time. Just wonderful.
Anyway, sorry for such a long post.
I prolly won't post again until Saturday. I'm still in Portland at my friend's place. Hopefully I'll be able to leave mid-afternoon. If it gets much later than 3 pm I'll have to stay another night because I cannot see in the dark. When you can't see in the dark, you dont' get to drive in the dark. :faint:
My scale said 214 today. I have increased my time at the gym to 1 1/2 hours. I am getting addicted to exercise. I guess that really isnt a problem. In the back on my mind I wonder will I keep it up.
I was able to eat mushies yesterday and even a whole banana today.
Food intake much better.
200 here I come!
Well, no leftward tendencies. That's good. I was not a good bandster yesterday. My mom & I went out to dinner at Chili's. NOT a good idea. I ordered the chicken crispers and fries. I did do one good thing: I asked for a to-go box as soon as the food arrived. I figured I'd only eat half and save the rest for lunch today. Yeah, that didn't quite happen. The half that I brought home with me I ate a few hours later. I looked up the nutrition info. online and just:faint: . I still burned more calories than I ate but it is a bad precedent.
I have been walking, at least 1 mile a night. I got a cheap pedometer at Wal-mart and I've been keeping track of everything on Fitday. That is one handy website. Next week my 20 lb. lifting restriction expires, so I think I should start looking into gyms.
I am really looking forward to this Sunday. A few of us from LBT are getting together at the White Rock Skate Center in Dallas. If anyone wants to join we'll be there at 1pm. Should be lots of fun.
White Rock Skate Center
10055 Shoreview Road 214-341-6660
sweetsue: Thanks for the comments:o . I'm glad its been of use to you, I try.
OK. YESTERDAY I WEIGHED IN AT " 193 " ... BUT THERE ARE THOSE DAMN FLUCTUATING 2LBS. BUT AS ALWAYS... I TAKE THE LOWEST WEIGHT, I GO UP A COUPLE BUT I STILL COUNT MY LOWEST. HA. IM DOWN 41LBS W/ 22 MORE TO GO. WOWZEE WOWZEE WOOZEE. -R
I noticed that I am walking faster today, almost back to normal pace. Soon, LOL, I will be able to keep up with my husband again.
I had an interesting NSV today that I think has nothing to do with weight loss, so to speak, and everything to do with my "new found" positive feelings about myself. For the past two years I haven't really had a good positive image of myself. I lost my long straight blonde hair to chemotherapy. I was over weight even then, but I had my pretty hair to help me keep a positive image about myself. With that gone, it has been hard. Not to mention that my hair came back extremely curly! Everyone tells me how much they love my curly hair, but I just absolutely hate it, and I really mean ~~~loathe it! I guess this not so good feeling about myself has put me into the mousy quite type category, which I have never been in until this year.
Well obviously looking at my numbers, I haven't lost much weight. I have been taking pictures and I can see slight differences because I myself know where I feel lighter so I can see those changes in the pictures. However, my husband really can't see any visible changes. So, I know this isn't happening because I showed up to work looking "thinner". Well here goes my NSV.... There is a very handsome man that sits just a few cubicles down from me. I have been walking past him since January, ever since I returned to work after my chemotherapy. He has not once ever turned his head, acknowledged my existance, looked up from his computer screen at me or anything of the sort. I even had to discuss something work related with him and he talked to me while he looked at his computer screen. So, I have walked by his desk countless times and never a reaction. These last few days, I have been talking about this "natural high" that I am feeling. Well, my natural high must be radiating, because everytime I pass this guy now, he glances up. He even said "good morning" to me in the kitchen. Interesting perspective into how positive or negative feelings about yourself can change a situation.
Morning Scale: 212 (up +1)
Food today:
cup of coffee black w/ 1 equal
Breakfast - ham and swiss cheese, about 3oz total
Lunch - 3oz of Red Snapper and 4 pieces of yukka
protein snack -
Dinner - 1/3 of a La Madeleine chicken, broccoli tomato crepe. Calories 416, fat 21g, net carb 31g, protein 22g.
Excersize: None
I read someones journal (Moorless) and she mentioned this time of year your body wants to put on extra weight for the winter, and I am so feeling that today. Im craving starchy fatty foods! I will not succumb to its pull however, instead I will journal .. and exercise!
7:30 am Breakfast: Atkins + Unjury.
1:00 pm Lunch: LQ Swedish Meatballs, a couple bites of left over taco meat.
5:00 pm Snack: SF chocolate pudding.
7:00 pm Supper: 1/2 a steak grilled, 3/4 cup potatoes, 1/2 cup green beans.
Vitamins: 2 Tbs. multi, 1 Calcium, 1500 mcg biotin.
Exercise: 15 Min 3mph 5% incline, 10 Min. 3.3mph 5% incline, 5 Min. 4 mph 0% incline.
Water: >70 oz.
I just got done exercising too! Yippee, I really pushed myself today. When I got on the scale it said 207.6... then later I weighed myself it said 209. Grr tomorrow if it says anything below 209 Im changing my ticker immediately. 209:fencing:207
Goal: I kept the calories to about 1000 today. I exercised pretty hard for my abilitys. I really hope Im down at least a few ounces tomorrow!! Oh well at least im getting toned everytime I exercise.. that counts for a lot. So my goal for tomorrow is to exercise and no ice cream.
Well Im finally banded, and I cant believe it. I am three days post op as of today. It was a lot more painful than I expected it to be, but I can tolerate a lot of pain so I was up and hangin out and going to the bathroom. Everyone was shocked at my progress
I didnt do well on the pre-opt diet, but not horrible either,s o my liver was fine, and I had lost 1.2 pounds.
Now, Imd oing the liquid diet like a friggen champ. Its going tob e difficult so I will be looking forward to chatting with people.
Today is rough. For two days i have done amazing, perhaps too good because I don't think I have gotten my calories in. Today though it's all I can do not to drive to Martinez restraunt and get me dinner togo. I will not do it though, that's why I have taken to typing to get my mind off of it. Dinner is in the oven. I've worked out for two days, I feel good about that but I am finding out that it's harder today. I really don't want to go. We shall see how I feel after dinner. It's funny, I had no problem with food until I get home from work. Then my mind is free to wander. Doing well with keeping the snackable foods out of my apartment. The only thing easy to get is fruit so hopefully i'll turn to that instead of 5 (35 calorie popsicles) or 2 servings of lite chips and cheese *yumm that sounds so good right now. I really wish I didn't have this obsession with food but at least I can control it better now that I have the band. Not only does it help me eat less, but also i've come so far that it's my motivation to keep going. I can make it through tonight...I can make it through tonight. :hungry: :hungry: :hungry: :hungry: :hungry: :hungry: :hungry: :hungry: :hungry: :faint: :faint: :faint: :faint: :faint: :faint: :faint:
Hi!! This is my firstest every entry, and I'm not even sure I can or will want to write further.. It's just that I think I really need motivation, because things have been only so-so since my surgery 12th of June. :think I just thought along with people who have been going thru the same thing, it might be easier...
Anyway, just wanted to say hey before I get more serious.
Hey:clap2:
It feels wierd when I lay flat on my back. I'm sure its my port in there - but its such a wierd sensation. I'm afraid to poke around and feel my port - I'm afriad it will hurt. My scars are healing up though and almost all of the glue is gone.
DH is sad to see my boobs and butt shrinking.
I was putting lotion on my hands yesterday and I realized even my hands feel different - I can feel my knuckles more than before. It's strange because I never thought about fat hands - my ring is still tight and I haven't lost any more pounds yet, but my body FEELS different every day.
I didn't walk last night - was TIRED after work and dinner.
Had 4 oz. of tuna for breakfast. Felt very different to be eating tuna while the guys were munching on doughnuts and pastry.
I'm literally almost crying reading this. Mostly because I'mon this pre-op diet and these last two days have been difficult... but also because I needed this! Thank you! Congrats! And a BIG congrats on quitting smoking a second time! It was hard enough to do it once... So - when I say BIG congrats... I mean BIIIIIG congrats! ❤️
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